Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Bachelor Ben Episode 5 - It'll Blow Your Panties Off! Or Something Like That...

Harrisoncrest sporting his best Welcome to Vieques, Puerto Rico shirt, welcomes Ben's harem to a week of dates, baseball, and skinny dipping on the Emily vs. Courtney Show. Courtney's performance this episode? I give it 3 Cocoa Puffs and a fruitloop. For reals! Let's tune in...

THE ANNOYING LIST

Not to be outdone by Courtney, Emily tries to challenge her in some kind of weird facial expressions war!

THINGS THAT WERE HOT

Tank Tops! It was a 10/$5.00 sale at the Tank Top Barn!

Apparently tropical dresses were a big hit at the TROPICAL ISLAND DRESS BARN! They come in packs of 5 and 10!

THINGS THAT WERE NOT HOT

The Be Nice Shirt. On her, isn't that kind of an oxymoron?!

These scrunch face looks. Not so much!

The Ricky Ricardo. OH NO! Please never again!

What's with the old-man suspenders Benny Boo!?

This look!

The spiffy castaway rolled up pants tux? Where's Wilson when you need him!?

WINE TASTINGLY CHEESY FUN FACTS


Ben can say cat in Spanish.

Ben wants a BIG wedding!

Lindzi thinks baseball diamonds are way better than sparkly ones. We think she's been eating too much dirt and her mind is a bit hazy!

Elyse is sick of being single!

Courtney likes to be in her birthday suit as much as possible. Um...Okay...

HE SAID/SHE SAID

"She's still on my shit list...You wronged me...You better check yourself bitch!" -COURTNEY ON EMILY

"Nothing can rain on this parade." NICKI

"It's raining gatos." -BEN

"I feel like I've got a little bit of Latin Swagger. Si Senor!" -BEN

"I want my second chance at a fairy tale." -NICKI

"Who knew that strippers could play baseball!?" -COURTNEY ON BLAKELY

"BITCHES! COME ON!" -KACIE

"There's no crying in baseball. Come on. Rub some dirt in it. Walk it off!" -COURTNEY

"Team Blue. A bunch of cry babies. All the way home on the bus. BOO HOO HOO HOO." -COURTNEY

"I can only handle so many more group dates before my head just pops off." -COURTNEY

"OH MY GAWWWWD!" - SNOOKELYSE

"Courtney is a piece of $#*!" -KACIE

"I'd rather get him in the ocean and go skinny dipping than get that rose." -COURTNEY

"Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out." -COURTNEY ON ELYSE

"Blew my panties off!" -COURTNEY

"I don't know if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before? Could be fun..." -COURTNEY

"After the date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore!" -COURTNEY

"Courtney and I shared an intimate moment and right now I feel kind of crappy about what happened..." -STORM HORSE

"Little do they know Ben and I have this secret..." -COURTNEY

"A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do!" -COURTNEY

"She sucks! Ha Ha Ha!" -COURTNEY ON EMILY

"Ladies. Ben. This is the final rose tonight. When you're ready." -HARRISONCREST

NICKI, TACOS Y TEQUILA POR TU!
Or something like that in Spanish...


Nicki and Ben

Memorable Moments:

Nicki brings out the 3 year old in Ben. Is that good or bad?

Oh lookie! Piragues. Snow cones!?

Oh man, it's raining on their piragues!

Nicki doesn't think anything can rain on her parade. Apparently she hasn't met Hurricane Courtney yet...

Oh noooo, put that back on the rack mister!

Ben's idea of authentic Puerto Rico is...Ricky Ricardo!

They watch a wedding. Could this be a sign? Or not...

They chat about marriage over wine while lounging in a GIANT basket!

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie, Emily, Rachel, Casey, Jamie, Blakely and Ben

Memorable Moments:

Dammit! Where's our jewelry Ben!!?

Baseball camp. Awesome!

Gigantes what?!

Sports bring out the bitchy competitive side of Kacie!

Jennifer enthralls us with some "Hey Batter Batter Swing" chit chat. Gag!

Red team wins. Blue team bawls. It wasn't a pretty sight...

Courtney is obsessed with getting Ben's pants off for a midnight swim! Gag!

LET'S FIND LOVE SOMEWHERE PRIVATE...

Elyse and Ben

Memorable Moments:

That's a big yacht!

Being with Benny Boo is magical. Awe!

Let's jump overboard! Commence the cliche underwater cam shots!

Cheers to the best dressed couple on the beach. If you don't count the rolled up tuxedo pants part...

She gave up her job. She missed her friend's wedding. Not for nothing...er..for nothing! Buh bye!



Cue haunting melody by David Gray...


Ben tosses that rose into the sea. Dude, the tide's gonna just keep bringing it right back at you. You're better off burning the darn thing!

SKINNY DIPPING WITH A MODEL 101


Surprise him by skulking on the stairs near his hotel room!

Offer him a night cap of vino so you can get him drunk!

Offer to draw him a bath or share some lotion from your pocket for a massage...



I don't know why but this reminds me of this scene from Tommy Boy--Imagine if it had gone this way for Courtney instead...

Drag him to the beach and offer to rock his world!

Remind him you're only going to be in Puerto Rico once! Because apparently you can't skinny dip anywhere else...

Have a totally intellectual discussion about skivvies vs. going commando!

Oh what the hell, let the ocean breeze blow your panties off!

Go for it. Rock his world...cause you're WINNING!

GETTING ROSED

Nicki, Kacie, Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey, Blakely, and Emily.

LEAVING BROKEN HEARTED +
A FEW LOVELY PARTING SHOTS


ELYSE: "Whaaat did I do wrong!?"

JENNIFER: "What...did...I...SNIFF SNIFF...DO...SNIFF SNIFF...Wrong?!...GASP...GASP...Whaaaa!" Get this hyperventilating woman a paper bag stat!

THINGS WE LEARNED
FROM BACHELOR BEN
EPISODE 5

Just cause you wear a Be Nice t-shirt, doesn't mean you can't be a bitch too. (COURTNEY)

Never let anything, even rain, rain on your parade! (NICKI)

If you get stuck in the rain, you can finagle a spiffy shopping trip out of your handlers! (NICKI & BEN)

Nothing says Puerto Rico like the Ricky Ricardo look! (BEN)

Clothes don't give you Latin swagger. But being LATIN does! (BEN)

Opening up about your past can score you a rose! (NICKI)

Teasing girls with diamonds and delivering a baseball diamond is kind of a bummer dude! (BEN)

Winners get helicopter rides! (RED TEAM)

There's no crying in baseball. Unless you're Jennifer! (JENNIFER)

When you want a guy you just have to make bold moves! (COURTNEY)

The tropics can be hell on naturally curly hair! (KACIE)

Being on the water can really change your feelings for each other. Or something philosophical like that... (BEN)

When you want him to be honest with you, you gotta be prepared for a world of hurt! (ELYSE)

Just because you get a one-on-one doesn't mean you're safe..." (ELYSE)

WHO knew!? Apparently when another girl gets sent home, it can blow your panties off! (COURTNEY)

Skinny dipping with a model can be fun! (BEN & COURTNEY)

You can confuse The Bachelor by chirping like a bird. (COURTNEY)

Rocking his world can have consequences... (COURTNEY)

Guilt can be a bitch! (STORM HORSE)

When you apologize for knocking his woman and then knock his woman some more, you might just be on the chopping block! (EMILY)

When you've been encouraged to tread lightly, drop it and be careful, you might as well pack your bags on this show! (EMILY)

Jenn:)

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