Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bachelor Ben Episode 2: Scotch For Next Bachelor!

Scotch for next Bachelor! Any takers!? You can apply at the Sonoma Petsmart. Tryouts are being held next Saturday. Wear your favorite dog collar and bring a chew toy in case you get bored competing with all those other bitches.

Episode 2 of Prince Pinot of Bachelorville did not disappoint! And with three "Too Good to be Trues" what in the world do we have in story for us on this little Benny Boo Fairy Tale?!

Last but not least, somewhere a lonely little Weatherman is wondering whether a stage 5 clinger is anything like a category 6 a-hole. Just sayin'!

Check out my Bachelor Giveaways at the bottom of this recap...


Blakely vs. Courtney. Take your pick!



The boots and tiny shorts look must be in. Okay...

Apparently it was a 5/10.00 sale on striped shirts down at the local STRIPES R US BARN!

And a 10/20.00 sale on tank tops at Old Navy!


Boob Bustin' Rompers. My eyes!

The 80s style iron-on-shirt. Not so much!

This blond wig. Burn it please!

Earring Garlands.


Ben is from Sonoma. Sonoma!

Kacie twirled a baton as a kid.

Blakely's tatas are her "Blessings."

Courtney knows two phrases. "I'm a model" and "Winning!"

Courtney's a deflater.

Blakely's a Scorpio.

Scotch is Ben's son. Who knew!?

Lindzi wears dirt for make-up. So not sexy!

Life is a constant battle for nervous wreck Jenna!


"She's kind of annoying." -COURTNEY ON KACIE

"I'm not here to go on a date with 11 other girls." -BLAKELY

"We got lots of jugs!" -JACLYN

"Ben gave the first impression rose to the one person I had the worst first impression of." -COURTNEY

"I think the horse got the first impression rose." -COURTNEY

"What do you get when you cross a Gingerbread Man with a Hooker? Blakely!" -SAMANTHA

"Ben is the best looking sheep I've ever seen!" -JENNIFER

"I want that rose!" -BLAKELY

"I usually win. Winning! Winnnnning!" -COURTNEY

"He wants to kiiiissss me!" -COURTNEY

"How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" -COURTNEY

"Blakely is super fakely!" -JACLYN

"Is this too good to be true?" -BEN

"I'm not that kind of girl." -SAMANTHA

"It's like a war out there!" -COURTNEY

"She's a stage five clinger." -JACLYN

"Uuuuh, let's not put that on the candle!" -FIRE MARSHALL BEN

"I'm not like a girl if that makes any sense." -JENNA (No. No it doesn't...)

"Motorboat!" -JACLYN

"Blakely's friggin' toxic." -KACIE

"I don't want a horse face in my face." -JACLYN

"Ladies. Ben. This is the final rose tonight. When you're ready." -HARRISONCREST


Kacie and Ben

Memorable Moments:

A piano duet between Ben-toven and Kacie. Eh...

Lots of HA HA HAs!

It takes 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop! HA HA HA!

A shopping trip in a candy store. Yum!

She teaches him how to stir the pot. Or something like that...

A baton twirling parade of two.

Watching home movies of themselves as kids. Awe!


Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, Jaclyn, Lucy and the Charlie Brown Gang, and Ben

Memorable Moments:

It's a play! Written by the BEST playwrights in the land! And they're kids. Ha Ha.

Lucy and the Charlie Brown gang audition the girls.

Did little Lucy just ask Nicki for a SEXY dance!? Um...okay...

Did little Linus just ask "Jugs" Blakely to jog in slow motion!? WTH? Where did they get these kids!?

Goofy Jenna wanted Ben to see her in a new light. What brilliant stra-tee-gery!

A gingerbread man with jugs? For reals!

Prince Pinot of Bachelorville sounds just like a kids play. Totally!

What happens when a Prince kisses an ASS? What happens?! I must have missed it...

Monica Dragon got to blow Ben's wool off with a kazoo. Or something like that...

Ben dropped his sheep clothes and then slayed the dragon. And all was well that ended well. I think that's how it happened...

Samantha hides out in a toilet. Blakely bawls with the luggage set. Jenna gets her snot all over a bed. Fun times!


Courtney, Scotch, and Ben

Memorable Moments:

BEN: "She's a model. Me likey!"

Was anyone else hoping Scotch might whiz on Courtney!? Because that would be Totally Winning!

Howling in the woods. Classic!

Bundling the little man. So cuuuute!

She just likes driving around with him. He wonders if she's too good to be true...

Scotch interrupts their kissing. Love it!

A woodland feast for Prince Pino & Winning Courtney! AHA!

COURTNEY: "You have a WINNING personality."


Kacie, Blakely, Courtney, Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey, Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Brittney


Jenna and Shawn

JENNA: Shocked. Sick! These girls are good distracters! I will now put a spell on you all with my wicked wizard wand! Bwahahahahaha!


It takes 3 licks to get to the middle of a giant Tootsie Pop. So says Ben! (BEN)

Nothing says romance like a Kermit the Frog lunchbox! (KACIE)

Candy stores always have batons handy in case you need to twirl something! (KACIE)

A two person parade is a whole lot more fun with a baton. Or while drunk. Or both! (KACIE AND BEN)

Hopeless romantics need not apply to the hot mess that is The Bachelor. (KACIE)

There's nothing more embarrassing than home movies of bare butts on a first date! (KACIE AND BEN)

Kids make the cheesiest playwrights! (LUCY & THE CHARLIE BROWN GANG)

Sometimes kids are the best judges of character. Like that Gingerbread Hooker Blakely! (LUCY & THE CHARLIE BROWN GANG)

There's a Chippendale in every sheep's clothing! Not a wolf. A Chippendale! WHO knew!? (BEN)

A kiss on the cheek means he's just not that into you. (RACHEL)

When people hide in dirty toilet stalls to avoid you, you just might be a Bachelor Villain! (BLAKELY)

Women are jealous witches! (SAMANTHA)

There's nothing that sparks a date rose faster than a big set of tatas! (BLAKELY)

Admitting you wear dirt for make up and drive a Diesel truck is strangely ballsy. (LINDZI)

When you say you're not that kind of girl. You are that kind of girl! (SAMANTHA)

If you're throwing flammable blankies on candles, you might just be Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! (JENNA)

When he gives you a second chance and you can't put together a coherent sentence after showing off your pyromaniac side, you are soooo not getting rosed my dear! (JENNA)

Hold the phone! Should Alf's Nose really be calling out someone for being a horse face!? Just sayin'... (JACLYN)

When you need to have a good cry, the luggage room is the bomb! (BLAKELY)

Cobblestone isn't easy to navigate in 5" sexy heels ladies! (THE LADIES)


I'm giving away some Bachelor theme swag here at the Blog for the next several weeks :) Items from the Cafe Press shop like buttons, necklaces, totes and shirts! To be entered into this week's contest, you must leave a comment on the Blog with your name and I'll announce a winner next Monday night on show night following my live twittering. Tell me what you think of this season of The Bachelor :)



LibraLady said...

I love this blog. I never cease to laugh out loud when I read it. Jenn, you have one amazingly snarky sense of humor, girl.

The Girl In The Red Heels said...

Thanks LibraLady! It's a fun guilty pleasure to write this Blog :)

Pamela said...

Who can resist this train wreck of a show? Our Chris Harrison sure is laying low. Even he can't stand to watch! Keep up your good work. Makes the 2 hours worth it.