Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bachelor Ben Begins: Let's Share a Tampon...Or NOT!

Do you have what it takes to be the next Bachelor?

Can you be a salt-of-the-earth kinda guy?!

Drive a manly tractor?!

Haul wood one-handed!?

Kayak shirtless?

Show off your artsy fartsy side?

Brood over railings!?

If so, you too can be our next Bachelor!

Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night cat fights a la The Bachelor. Will there be scandals and drama??? It's the 10th anniversary of the Bachelor and I remember watching the first one back in 2002 with that dorky Bachelor Alex. Been hooked ever since on this crazy adventure. I mean, when you put 25 women in a house with flowing alcohol and a hot bachelor to fight over, there's just gonna be a lot of whiny witches! Could this be the most dramatic season of the bachelor ever? It's on!

Since our little Benny Boo is once again ready to find love, we were introduced to these AMAZING or BEAUTIFUL (depending on which drinking game you're playing) women: Mediator Rachel, Who? Erika, Baconater Amber B., Who? Elyse, Little Neurotic Carrie Bradshaw Jenna, I'm a Model Courtney, Disease Sleuth Emily, I'm More Than Just A Pageant Girl Samantha, Who? Casey S., Cow Balls Amber T., Derby Hat Holly, Dramaless Jamie, Who? Shira, Monica's Honey Blakely, Grandma's Little Girl Brittney, Texas Nicki, Don't Forget Your Lines Dianna, Who? Jennifer, I'm A Dork Lyndsie, Miss Thang Anna, HA HA HA Monica, Who? Jaclyn, Soccer Mom Shawn, Perky Kacie B., and War Horse/Dark Horse Lindzi.

THE HANDY BACHELOR
DATING GUIDE:


HOW TO IMPRESS HIM:


Tell him he's guilty! Of being SEXY! Holla!

Tell him you're going to make him sweat a little bit...

Call him Cutie Pie and play with his hair.

Admitting you're a dork is always the first step...

Call him Benjamin.

HOW NOT TO IMPRESS HIM &/OR APPEAR STALKERISH:

Don't flub your lines. You know like his famous line from Bachette Ashley: Good Things End Badly, er you mean, Good Things Don't End Unless They End Badly. Or whatever Dude! Like Duh!

Tell him you know everything about wine and then confess you're clueless! And he can be your teacher! Because he really doesn't have anything else to do or anything...

HOW TO CONFUSE HIM:

Talk about being a student of epidemiology - the study of diseases. Um, what!?

Talk accounting numbers. 1190 what!? Huh!?

STUNTS THAT GRAB HIS ATTENTION:

Letting him meet Grandma Sheryl. Awe!

Reciting a poem with a British accent.

Slugging him in the arm like a linebacker. Ouch!

Riding in on War Horse! There wasn't a dry eye in the room...

Make him BEN-d it like Beckham with a little driveway soccer match!

STUNTS THAT JUST PLAIN STINK:

Hand sanitizer and Binaca before a kiss. Where's the flu shot and the drug test kit while you're at it lady?!

Forgetting your spiffy pick up line and laughing nervously instead. Boring!

Doing a meet & greet flyby. Um. Okay...

Blindfolding him and making him eat sour candy!

Gangsta rappin' about infectious disease yo! On no, please not ever again!

It's called The Bachelor for a reason. Lipstick Lesbians need not apply...

CHEESY FUN FACTS:


Horses are Lindzi's ZEN.

Lindzi still carries around break up texts on her iPhone.

Amber loves her some cow balls! Blech!!!!

If it's not at least 2 carats, you can kiss Courtney good bye!

The Overanalyst Blogger Jenna is literally an over analyst! And not in a good way!

Rachel's middle name is Rose. So she expects a damn rose Benny Boo!

Amber B. is the Baconater and she tastes like Canadian Bacon. Okay!

Ben loves grandmas!

Ben really knows his hot tamales and sour patch kids!

THINGS THAT WERE HOT:

Little black dresses

Christian Louboutin Heels

Shiny green dresses minus the tatas hanging out!

Sparkly dresses.

Sparkly Heels.

Sparkles Sparkles Sparkles everywhere! It was a 10/$20 deal down at the local Sparkle Barn!

THINGS THAT WERE NOT HOT:


Having him taste your bacon. Gag!

Pageant Sashes. Gag me!

Um, where's the rest of your dress girlie?!

WOW, that's quite a rack...er...hat!

This Creamsicle Dress? Not so much!

HUGE tattoos. :-(

HE SAID/SHE SAID:

"That's a Pretty Girrrrl" -BEN ON COURTNEY

"I'm lovin' the brunettes!" -BEN

"I'm a dork!" -LYNDSIE

"I like the slug on the arm." -BEN

"Screw you and the horse you rode in on." -COURTNEY

"I wish I was 30 years younger!" -GRANDMA SHERYL

"There's a gangsta side to me." -EMILY

"HA HA HA!" - MONICA

"How do you maintain sanity?!" -JENNA

"If this girl punches me in the face I'm gonna F--- her uuuuup! HA HA HA!" -MONICA

"Jenna! You're craaaazy! HA HA HA HA!" -MONICA

"Maybe we can share a tampon sometime..." -JENNA

"HA HA HA HA!" -MONICA

"Clink Clink Clink." -HARRISONCREST

"Ladies. Ben. This is the final rose tonight. When you're ready." -HARRISONCREST

GETTING ROSED:

Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Blakely, Emily, Kacie B., Casey S., Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica, and Jenna.

LEAVING BROKEN HEARTED + A FEW PARTING SHOTS:


Anna, Dianna, Amber B., Lyndsie, Amber T., Holly, and Shira.

BACONATER: I'm going to find a guy who doesn't like needy whiny cry baby girls...

LYNDSIE: I feel like such a loser. SUCH a loser!

AMBER T.: Sooo embarrassing!

THINGS WE'VE LEARNED
FROM BACHELOR BEN
EPISODE 1:


Calling a guy sexy gets you anywhere you wanna go! (ELYSE)

Flubbing your lines is not endearing, especially when he has to correct you! (JENNA)

Sanitizing him before you kiss him...is probably a REALLY good idea on this show! (EMILY)

In case he doesn't believe in love at first sight, give him a second chance! (AMBER T.)

He'll totally never get that you're from Kentucky unless you show up in a large oversize Derby hat! Sooo genius! (HOLLY)

Sometimes a girl needs a little extra ammunition like bringing sweet Grandma along for the ride! (BRITTNEY)

When you lose your train of thought, he's already forgotten you like yesterday's lunch sweetie! (DIANNA)

Telling him you've never been arrested is probably a GOOD thing on this show! (JENNIFER)

Reciting a poem at nervous lightening speed isn't a good idea if he doesn't speak British! (LYNDSIE)

Doing a meet & greet flyby won't get you anywhere Miss Thang! (ANNA)

A girl who can slug you in the arm like a linebacker can certainly hold her own! (SHAWN)

A horse totally trumps Binaca any day! Totally! (LINDZI)

Never quit your job to go on The Bachelor. It's a total jinx! Booooo! (RACHEL)

You can't make wine with store bought grapes. Silly girl! (LINDZI)

A huge tattoo can really cheapen a fancy dress. (BLAKELY)

Telling him you're the cure for his heartbreak is kinda cute. Kinda. (EMILY)

Is hitting? on another girl really a good way to open yourself up to THE BACHELOR???? (MONICA)

Hey Little Miss Carrie Bradshaw Wannabe! Who gives a crap whether some wacko chick likes you or not!? (JENNA)

Offering to share a tampon is like soooo not classy! (JENNA)

If you don't want him to think you're like a hot mess, does spending the evening crying in the bathroom really accomplish that goal?! Didn't think so... (JENNA)

Karma's a bitch! (MONICA)

It's pretty pathetic when no one realizes you've been missing for several hours... (JENNA)

Jenn:)

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