Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bachelor Pad Episode 4 - Kick Rocks Dude

Things We Learned From Bachelor Pad - Episode 4:

Lavender and gray are very becoming paired together. (HARRISONCREST)

If kick rocks dude is the only brilliant thing you can muster every other word, you need to meet me at the flag pole after school so I can wipe the playground with your juvenile ass! (KASEY)

It's STRAT-EGIST not STRAT-EEE-GIST. (KASEY)

Bachelor Pad is a great place to apologize to your ex and fake-redeem yourself. (JAKE)

A kissing contest gives you a free pass to lock lips with someone you find attractive. (BLAKE)

Kissing like grandma won't get you $250,000.00! (ALL THOSE DORKS)

Just because he's kissing you in a kissing contest doesn't mean he has feelings for you, you crazy fool! (MELISSA)

It's easy to tell who your boyfriend is in a kissing contest when he has bad breath! (VIENNA)

Kissing is all about a little bit of pressure and then you pull back. And then a little bit of sucking on the lips and then you pull back. And then a little bit of tongue but not too much and they don't ever want it to end. (ELLA)

When you have giant lips, don't be afraid to use them! (ERICA)

Bad breath is no way to win a kissing competition! (KASEY)

If you kiss a person too long you might just suck their face off! (HOLLY)

It's not the end of the world to be going on a date with the best kisser in the house! (KIRKY)

If you could go back and do the kissing contest over, be the biggest manwhore anyone has ever seen! (WillIAm)

Labeling women as raging weather or volcanic activity is a bit condescending isn't it!? (BLAKE)

A massage can relax a dude but it won't necessarily get you $250,000.00... (ERICA)

A hot air balloon is a cramped place to find romance! (ELLA & KIRKY)

It must be fun to watch yourself act like a raving lunatic week after week on a cheesy reality show. (MELISSA)

It must be fun to watch yourself act like a smarmy arrogant ass week after week on a cheesy reality show. (BLAKE)

If he won't even take you on a date with him, he's just not that into you! (MELISSA)

If a girl does her hair and her nails for you, she's probably planning your wedding! (MELISSA)

Does stirring your yogurt to death accomplish anything? It can help everyone else lose their appetite though... (MELISSA)

An electric toothbrush can save you from having to talk to a crazy woman! (BLAKE)

40 seconds is a long time to wait to verbally bitch slap someone! (MELISSA)

If looks could kill, people would be shot y'all! (ELLA)

A fireplace can be a great spot to brood in front of. Very dramatic for the cameras too... (MICHAEL)

If you're torn with wanting to be with a guy or not be with him at all, you probably aren't that into him! (HOLLY)

When someone drains the life out of you, it's best to get the heck away from them! (GRAHAM)

When you think a girl's going to cut your nuts off, it's probably a good idea to lie to her! (KASEY)

5 COOL THINGS:

1. Erica Rose's sneaky massage/manipulation techniques.

2. Hot air balloon rides--something different!

3. Michelle setting an example for her daughter.

4. Erica's hair in a messy side-bun, looked nice on her.

5. Holly's hair accessories.

5 LAME THINGS:

1. The Kasey vs. Jake Cliffhanger. Like we didn't know Mavdork was leaving! And with a robotic cheesy smile on his face. Classic!

2. "Kick Rocks Dude" - Sooo lame...

3. Holly not taking the high road between Michael and Blake.

4. Hurricane Melissa/Mount Saint Helens Melissa. Do not go on this show ever again!

5. Blake's manipulation of Melissa.

Jenn:)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bachelor Pad Episode 3 - Who Doesn't Like Synchronized Swimming?

Things We Learned from Bachelor Pad - Week 3

Having a partner that is slightly crazy can get you in trouble! (BLAKE)

It makes no sense to create an enemy out of a loose cannon. (BLAKE)

When your partner goes apes%$#, it can put a huge target on your back... (BLAKE)

Who doesn't love synchronized swimming!? (HARRISONCREST)

You can let a guy know you're in his corner by rubbing your foot all over him. Or something like that... (ERICA)

Smiling at your ex-boyfriend can piss off your new boyfriend. (VIENNA)

A winery is a great place to clear the air! (BLAKE)

Finding common ground is like soooo amazing! (MICHELLE)

No one likes a Debbie Downer! (VIENNA)

To keep a woman level headed you gotta give her what she wants! (GIGOLO BLAKE)

Don't go down without a fight! (JAKE)

Lip injections every six months can enhance your kissing abilities. Hmmm.... (ERICA)

Being serenaded with Every Rose Has Its Thorn can make a couple stronger. Or not... (HOLLY & MICHAEL)

Being ungrateful about a gift can really be a buzz kill! (VIENNA)

Serenading a girl can be romantic. It can also be incredibly awkward and cheesy! (KASEY)

Playing Nancy Drew can backfire on you really quick! (ERICA)

A tiara and a crystal wand can make you look like a princess. Or totally delusional! (ERICA)

In a pinch, undergarments make a great hankie! (MELISSA)

Everybody's been in love and everybody's gotten a broken heart. (JAKE)

A girl needs a guy who's older and more mature and not a boy! (ERICA)

Banging your crystal disco stick doesn't necessarily make your wishes come true! (ERICA)

Who can you really trust?! (HARRISONCREST)

Letting trailer park trash and a tattooed guy run your life is like sooo pathetic! (ERICA)

5 COOL THINGS:


1. Synchronized swimming flowered bikinis and swim hats. So vintage and cute!

2. Brett Michaels singing Every Rose Has It's Thorn.

3. Michelle and Graham - cute together!

4. Erica's crystal scepter. Cheesy yes, but entertaining nonetheless!

5. Erica playing Nancy Drew and her over-the-top sneaking and spying around. Priceless!

5 LAME THINGS:

1. Erica and Jake making out. Blech!

2. Vienna's constant whining and complaining. Debbie Downer much!?

3. Vienna and Kasey's constant fighting. Please pack your bags and kick rocks!

4. No one having the balls to break up the power couples. Yes I'm talking about you Kirky!

5. Melissa's constant drama. Enough already!

Jenn:)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bacehlor Pad Episode 2 - There's a Front Door & A Back Door Bitch!

Things We Learned From Bachelor Pad - Week 2:

If you've got the hottest girl in the house then you can't possibly be unattractive. Right!? (KASEY)

If you only read the tabloids then you'll never learn the real truth. Or something like that... (JAKE)

Knowing people are not attracted to you is sooo hurtful. (GIA)

When people throw a lot of eggs at you, you're probably not their favorite person. (JAKE)

If you're T-Shirt proclaims you to be the Mayor, does that really make it so? (MICHAEL)

A jenius before his time. Or is it...genius? Apparently only a Jenius would know! (KASEY)

Never underestimate the power of a bromance! (KASEY & MICHAEL)

Going on a date with a guy and his ex-fiance is a little awkward... (MICHELLE)

When exploring spooky places you gotta buck up bitches! (MICHAEL)

You can make a ghost hunt even more exciting by holding a seance! Because there's nothing the spirit world wants to do more than talk to contestants on the Bachelor Pad! Totally! (MICHAEL AND ERICA)

Tinfoil earrings can be fun and exciting. Can't they!? (MICHELLE)

When in danger, you should ask your nemesis for help. ??!? (JAKE)

The best thing to do to your nemesis is be a gentleman and let her sink herself. (JAKE)

When you tell everyone the same thing, it devalues your credibility. (BLAKE)

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss. (BLAKE)

Kissing a woman can pacify her. (BLAKE)

Sometimes you have to whore yourself out to keep a girl happy. Or something like that... (BLAKE)

It's pretty easy to kiss a girl when you've had a few drinks! (BLAKE)

Is he making out with you because he's into you, or is he just into the $250,000.00? Hmmm... (MELISSA)

The most underused strategy in Bachelor Pad? Breaking up the power couples. (GIA)

Whenever you tell someone not to tell anyone else what you just talked about, they're going to tell everyone else what you just talked about. Sucker! (GIA)

You can impress a dentist by confessing that you...floss! (HOLLY)

When you don't think you can trust someone, listen to your gut! (MELISSA)

Annoyance is an emotion! (BLAKE)

The phrase "kick rocks dude" is understated. For sure! (KASEY)

If you're not part of a couple, then you're out! (ELLA)

Whenever you're unhappy, Harrisoncrest will always be there for you. He's got a good cab company on speed dial! (HARRISONCREST)

Never trust anyone on Bachelor Pad (KASEY)

If you don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of voting you out, then walk out on your own. (GIA)

Bachelor Pad can make you or break you. (AMES)

Flirting with another girl in front of your face is hurtful! Hurtful! (MELISSA)

Nothing says romance like a knight in shining red pants! (AMES)

5 COOL THINGS:

1. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark Date - I love spooky stuff and mysteries and this was right up my alley. Not the most romantic of course, but do we really expect a lot of romance on this show or is it more like showmance!?

2. Gia's yellow legal pad strategy. Not that anyone paid attention to it though...

3. Fake Pavelka getting called out.

4. Harrisoncrest tells Vienna that the front and back door work just fine and she can kick rocks anytime ;-)

5. Ames running off into the night with Jackie. A little cheesy but kinda romantic too!

5 LAME THINGS:

1. Mean contests - Throwing eggs at the least attractive person or the one you want to go home seems so grade-school. Takes you back to the days of gym when you feared getting picked last.

2. Vienna being afraid to talk to Jake unless Kasey's around. Woman up lady!

3. Smarmy Blake Fake Romancing Melissa - What goes around comes around dude!

4. Kasey Making His Tattoo Heart Beat - Beyond lame and cheesy. Please don't ever do that again! Gag!

5. Drama with a capital MELISSA.

Jenn:)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bachelor Pad Episode 1 - The Vienna & Kasey Show!

Back again is that summer bitchest known as Bachelor Pad! To entertain us, Harrisoncrest rolls out a bevy of lads and lassies known to us as: Rated Really Lame Justin, Judge Jackie, Michelle Money, Model Gia, Vienna Motel 6, KA-RAZY Kasey, Mavdork Jake, Princess Erica, I Don't Want DeAnna Graham, Momma Ella, Holly Day, Stagliano Michael, Dentist Blake, Cheerio Ames, Alli Bootie, KA-RAZY Melissa, Kirk-y, and WillIAm.

It's Kasey vs. Jake. 2pm at the flagpole after school. Be there! So what do these 2 "bad" boys talk about when they finally meet up?! The weather! THE WEATHER! Sooo lame!

ENEMIES:

Gia vs. Vienna
Vienna vs. Jake
Michelle vs. Jackie
Kasey vs. Justin

THE ANNOYING LIST:

These Two!

All this guard and protect your heart crappola. Gag!

THAT'S HOT:

Really short dresses and skirts apparently!


Chunky Necklaces

THAT'S SOOO NOT HOT:

The off-the-shoulder 80s look. Not so much!

The Sparkly Showgirl Stripper Look. Blech!

CHEESY FUN FACTS:

Holly finds like really big words like attractive or something!

Vienna is terrified of Jake.

Kermit the Frog lives in Kasey's Throat.

Vienna was a gymnast.

Kasey loves Vienna more than Grandma Peanut Butter Cookies.

In the real world playing both sides comes easy to Justin.

LOVE FEST:


"I love you. You are my everything. I'm serious. I'm gonna marry you. And I'm gonna have your babies." -VIENNA MOTEL 6 (Yeah right...)

MAVDORK: "How did the Trojans beat the Greeks?"
GIA: "The showed up in a big elephant." Dah dah dum!

Um...seriously!? The control freak dentist and the crazy one?! This doesn't bode well me thinks...

HE SAID/SHE SAID:

"I'm going to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." -K-FROG KASEY

"I'm here to win $250,000 dollars. And maybe a few hearts along the way." -BLAKE

"Vienna's definitely been around the Bachelor Block." -ERICA

"Couples should be broken up because they won't vote each other off." -GIA

"I feel like I'm moving into a dysfunctional household." -BLAKE

"I don't think it's normal for a couple to break up and then have to move in together." -HOLLY

"I'm not going to make any girls cry. That's so rude." -WillIAm

"If Kasey has a chance he'd probably kick Jake's ass." -VIENNA MOTEL 6

"Mentally beating the crap out of him (Jake) feels frickin' awesome!" -K-FROG KASEY

"I think Melissa might be into me a little bit." -BLAKE

"You know what happens when you maybe have one too many? Erica becomes your partner." -KIRKY

"I would rather be drinking!" -HOLLY

"JAKE! The Bachelor is BACK!" -MAVDORK

"This is my game." -K-FROG KASEY

"Kick Rocks Dude. You're out!" -K-FROG KASEY

"It feels so good to finally have closure with Vienna." -MAVDORK

"Jake Pavelka. I think he's a phony robot. He has no real feelings. He's a complete monster." -VIENNA MOTEL 6

"I'm a Jedi Genius Master." -K-FROG KASEY

HOOK UP CONTEST

Couples:

Kasey & Vienna

Graham and Alli

Melissa and Blake

Michelle and Ames

Jackie and Jake

Erica and Kirk

Michael and Holly

WillIAm and Gia

Justin and Ella

Rosed: Jake and Jackie

IT'S TIME FOR DINNER ABOVE THE STARS

Jake and Jackie

Memorable Moments:

Mavdork has a least one fan! Take that Vienna Motel 6!

This poor girl cried at the sight of Mavdork!

Mavdork unloads his side about Vienna Motel 6.

Let's give the rose to...Vienna! Um...okay?

18 DOWN TO 16:

Jackie, Jake, Vienna, Ames, Erica, Blake, Holly, WillIAm, Michelle, Kirk, Ella, Michael, Melissa, Graham, Kasey, and Gia.

SOME LOVELY PARTY SHOTS:

JUSTIN: "That was Rated Ridiculous! A 24-year-old with fake hooters screwed me!"

ALLI: "I feel a little bit blindsided."

NEXT WEEK...

Blake steps in a slice of crazy pie!

Jenn:)