Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Fantasy Suites, Enviro-Dork Ryan Returns, & Other Good Times...

Ah it's fantasy suite time! Woohoo! Subtle Fantasy Suite Cards from Harrisoncrest, awkward kissing, steamy scenes. Ooh la la! We begin with a look back at our final 3 dudes, reliving all the cheesy moments, closed-mouth pecks, and then Ashley takes a moment to reflect on her A-M-A-Z-I-N-G journey...

Dear Diary,

Hi, It's me Ashley. I know I haven't written to you since like 3rd grade and stuff when my annoying brother found my diary and read it to his friends so I cried and drowned my sorrows in some poutine. But, I've been really busy going to dental school and now I'm the Bachelorette and they're making me write to you and stuff. See, I'm on this per-fact journey of love right now. I started out with like 25 guys who all wanted ME! Except for this &^%$#@ Bent-ley who I wanted but he just wanted a vacay and so I had to start over with those other dorks. But I'm perky and I'm a trooper! I pulled myself up by the straps of my stilettos and hemmed all my skirts up 6 inches higher and I've been rockin' it all over Asia. Now I'm down to 3 hotties and what's a girl to do!? Harrisoncrest is sending me on these fantasy dates with these guys I've known just a few weeks, but I just know one of those guys is my husband!

Knock Knock! Knock Knock!

Wait a minute Mr. Diary there's someone at the door...OMG it's that enviro-dork Ryan back to sell me some tankless water heaters! Dammit! I'm sneaking out the back window...If I don't write again soon, send some producers out to the jungle with some rations because I may be deep in the bush on the run for awhile... Love, Ashley"

ASHLEY: Like OMG, what are you doing here!?

RYAN: Well, I was in the neighborhood selling some tankless water heaters and I thought to myself, "Jeepers creepers, why don't I sidle over to Ashley's place and freak her out a little bit?!"

ASHLEY: Like OMG, WHAT are you doing here!?

RYAN: Here's my room number. See you in a few babe! Don't forget to turn out the lights when you go on your date with Constantine and be sure to hang up your towels to dry. Wouldn't want to wound the soul of mother earth by washing your stink off of them, now would we!?

ASHLEY: Um...Like...Okay?

Aaaand we ended with a half-@ssed Mesnick!

In an Amazing Nutshell: Captain Sunshine pops up out of the bushes and freaks us all out! He pleads with Ashley to give him another chance. We say thumbs down! Ben and Ashley get a little freaky on a boat with the suntan lotion and then do some snorkeling. Fun times! Constantine takes a hike--right on out of Ashley's life! Ryan gets dumped again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! J.P. and Ashley get a private island and can't keep their hands off each other. It's clearly game over!

CHEESY CLICHES & CATCH PHRASES


A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

Journey

Leap of faith

THAT'S HOT


Tangerine Dresses!


Chunky turquoise bracelets

THAT'S SOOOO NOT HOT

She's got a great body, but I'm just not caring for the barely there outfits!

It's baaaaack - the racer back style dress!

CHEESY FUN FACTS

Ashley loves being on the water.

Constantine's never been in a helicopter before.

Constantine looked at 108 houses before he found the right one. Uh oh! There's only 1 Ashley...

Ashley loves surprises.

HE SAID/SHE SAID

"I'm available." -BEN

"Houses and women are not the same!" -CONSTANTINE

"What if I end up all alone and this was for nothing!?" -ASHLEY

"I know I'm in love with her." -J.P.

FIJI FANTASY #1

Ben and Ashley

Memorable Moments:


Sailing on a yacht! So shishi!

BEN: "That's a really nice boat."

Flower in her hair. Pineapple Passion Drink! Cute Boy. Life is per-fact!

Suntan Lotion time! Ashley takes her job very very seriously!

Snorkel time. Blue fish, yellow fish, neon fish. That's a lotta fish Ashley!

Honey! You cooked!

BEN: "Perfect!"
ASHLEY: "Per-faaaact!"

"Ashley and Ben. Harrisoncrest here. Welcome to the islands of Fiji! Damn it's humid! We can see your black man-bra through your shirt dude! Oh, that's a mic-pack? Whatever. So here's a key to stay in the fantasy suite with Ashley. Don't make me beg. It's got a big pool! I'll be hanging out in the hot tub if you need me. Peace out!"

Hubba Hubba!

FIJI FANTASY #2

Constantine, some toads, and Ashley

Memorable Moments:


ASHLEY: "How do you like my tiny shirt!?"

CONSTANTINE: "Man, I need a haircut!"

Constantine's like a Greek God! For reals!

Jumping off the falls. It's a leap of faith! Or not!

Yum. Fresh coconut!

Cheers to more time! Aaaand, buh bye!

It's the end of the road for big C! Don't let the coconuts hit you on the way out!

"Ashley, it's Harrisoncrest. Constantine's probably gone by now and you're all by your lonesome...don't cry, please! It's not like he's Bent-ly or anything! You might as well head on over to the fantasy suite and order up some hohos and Ben & Jerry's cause it's probably going to be a long night! Be sure to charge the bill to Fleiss. He's the Big Kahuna! 'Till the cheesiest rose ceremony ever, I bid you adieu mon petite flower..."

FIJI FANTASY #3

J.P. and Ashley

Memorable Moments:


Sign #1 it's J.P.: They're all over each other!


Their own private island! Sexy!

What's with the shirt J.P.!?

Sign #2 it's J.P.: Man they are still all over each other. Should we be turning away?

ASHLEY: "I said goodbye to 2 guys this week."

J.P.: "I want you."

"Ashley and J.P. my man! Harrisoncrest here. No, I'm not hiding in the bushes. Hangin' poolside with some muy bueno mojitos! We get it, you guys are really into each other. Get Ashley back to the suite before we have to give this episode an XXX rating! Geez you two! Cameraman Bob is blushing and it takes a lot to make that guy blush!"

Like my see-thru shirt?! I borrowed it from Ben, he left it behind in our fantasy suite!

Hello!


GETTING ROSED:

Ben and J.P.

THE BROKEN HEARTED:

Constantine: Not feeling it!

THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Please, no enviro-dork Ryan for the next Bachelor! Am I right people?!

BACHELORETTE FUN #9
3 FINAL 1 CLUES...




COMING UP NEXT WEEK...

ASHLEY: You're being such a bitch! Whaaa!

Jenn:)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Ben Got a Haircut & Other Good Times...

Oh goody, it's time for home town dates! Where were the strange families!? It was like the Stepford Hometown Dates...

In an Amazing Nutshell: In Cumming, Ashley made pizza and danced for some dollar bills! Woohoo! Ames spoke some Italian and talked about some stuff we didn't quite understand... Ben had a therapy session with Cameraman Bob. J.P. and Ashley beamed themselves back to 7th grade cause they couldn't fight that feeling any longer at the rollerskate rink! Ben got a hair cut. Momma will be proud! Ames was sent packing back to momma sporting a big grin on his face and a wink wink or two! Perhaps there was some confusion or he had concussion flashbacks. Strange...

THE ANNOYING LIST

Grow your bangs out Ashley so you can't play with them anymore!

CHEESY CLICHES & CATCH PHRASES

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

Journey

THAT'S HOT

Chunky Turquoise Rings

Ben's haircut!

THAT'S SOOOO NOT HOT

These Grey Brigade Pants! Definitely not!

CHEESY FUN FACTS

Ashley likes to organize her salads.

Ames is a unique person.

Ashley can rollerblade and figure skate.

HE SAID/SHE SAID

"I'm ready to find my husband." -ASHLEY

"I use my gut a lot to make decisions." -ASHLEY

"Ashley. Gentlemen. It's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." -HARRISONCREST

CONSTANTINE'S FAMILY
CUMMING, GA

Constantine, lotsa Greeks!, and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

Ashley makes pizzas at Constantine's restaurant Giorgio's. Where's the hair net!?

Ashley tries to use Constantine as an ingredient. He's confused. She HA HAs. Good times!

ASHLEY: "He's such a stud!"

"Are they going to kiss?!?" The staff spies on Ashley and Constantine kissing. Awe!

If Constantine wins, there's going to be a big fat Greek party! Yassou!

Oh and she'll be the one moving...to Cumming! Woohoo!

ASHLEY: "I love your family! I'm moving in!" Riiiiighhht...

What else!? Greeks like to dance!

It begins raining money money money! Opa!

AMES' FAMILY
CHADD'S FORD, PA

Ames and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

Ashley confesses to Ames' sis that things are moving a bit S-L-O-W-L-Y...

Ames is like an onion, you have to keep peeling away at the layers. Okay!

Mom thinks slow is good! Not on this show's time table...

Sis begs Ames to show Ashley THE FULL AMES. Eeeew!

SIS: "Let there be a little FIYARE"

Ames can't think of anything more romantic in the world than a picnic under his favorite magnolia tree. Really!?

Ashley brings up Ames' traumatic days at boarding school when he was a big nerd. Oooops!

Ashley's never met another guy like Ames. Neither have we!

A carriage ride along the Brandywine river. Awesome!

BEN'S HOMETOWN
SONOMA, CA

Ben and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

ASHLEY: "Everything about him screams sexiness to me!"

Tasting Sonoma Ben's wines. Yum!

Say hello to Emotional Ben!

SISTER: "His hair is his thing!"

Mom shares pics of Ben when he had short hair and she still had power over him. Ha Ha!

J.P.'S HOMETOWN
ROSLYN, NY

J.P. and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

Disco Ball Skating - sooo 7th grade! We like!

REO Speedwagon. Awesome!

ASHLEY: "Who do you think's going to fall first?"

This carpeted tiny table is sooo us! So's the wine in paper cups. Okay...

Move over roses, give me some of that lasagna!

MOM: "Are you in love with her?"

J.P.: "There are a lot of signs that point towards it."

Mom wants to guard and protect J.P.'s heart. KA-Razy Kasey is sooo jealous! That's his schtick!

Ashley's a smitten kitten! Meow!

Embarrass the kids time! J.P.'s Bar Mitzvah pic reveals his Kirk Cameron/Doogie Howser Phase.

ASHLEY: "That's a sweeeet mullet!"

GETTING ROSED
4 DOWN TO 3:

Ben, J.P., and Constantine.

THE BROKEN HEARTED:

AMES: More beautiful and poetic than I would have ever imagined. Just numb. Back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with...myself! Which is...less enticing...

THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Were Ashley and Constantine's mother chatting on the edge of a bathtub?

I'm going to Constantine's place next weekend, it rains money there! Opa!

Is The Full Ames anything like The Full Monty!?

BACHELORETTE FUN #8
ASHLEY PAPER DOLLS

Check out this Bachelorette Ashley paper doll posted at TV.com - click here to see the paper dolls for Constantine, J.P., and Ben. Too funny!

COMING UP NEXT WEEK...

Smoking Gun?

Jenn:)