Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Creeper, The Foghorn, The Bentley & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

Gotta Get a Mesnick Shot In There!

Wow, the last two months since Bachelor Brad or Bust has just flown! Here we are and perky Bachelorette Ashley has arrived. Thanks to ABC for bringing us this GEM once again!

I'm sensing a little self confidence issue with our gal. Our little relationship saboteur is ready to work her magic again...er...she's sure she's going to do it right this time! Pinky Swear!

And if she can't take the HEAT this season, she can always get out of the OVEN! Am I right people!?

Grab your champagne glasses and butter knives and join me in a little clink to our little Cupcake's journey! Harrisoncrest has proclaimed it "The night of your life!" So Ashley, let's begin this AMAZING journey with that masked creeper over there in the corner...Woohoo! Good times!

THE 25 A-M-A-Z-I-N-G DUDES:

Sunny Ryan P., Big Jon, I'm From TX Lucas, WillIAm, Lip Smacker Mickey, Teetotaling Tim, Bon Temps Ben C., Jose Eber Stephen, Lil' Chris D., East West, Bada Bing Bada Boom Anthony, No Crowns Rob, Amazing Ames, Momma's Boy Matt, I'm Batman Jeff, Wine Maker Ben F., Tango Frank, Chuck the Guitar Michael, Eh Chris M., Photog Ryan M., No Props J.P., Beat-Nick, Dentist Blake, Beware of Bentley, and Is that Bruno? Constantine.

THE SHORT LIST?

Ryan P.

Pros: Cute Smile and a sunny disposition ;)

Cons: Call me crazy, but after that solar panel infomercial we saw, I sense he's more likely to want to spend time in Al Gore's Library than in Ashley's Boudoir.

J.P.

Pros: He's ready to settle down!

Cons: After 12 years of dating, this career junkie still hasn't settled down...

Ames

Pros: Very educated and motivated.

Cons: He might just pull a Forest Gump and keep on marathon running out of Ashley's life...

Ben C.

Pros: New Orleans baby, Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Cons: Has to communicate by cue cards.

Ben F.

Pros: Sexy Winemaker

Cons: He's maybe too guarded emotionally?

Bentley:

Pros: Good looking. Cute puppy!

Cons: People are saying BEWARE about this dude before filming even begins! Where there's smoke, there's fire...just sayin'!

William:

Pros: Funny dude.

Cons: Apparently has never really been in love before. Hmmm...

TONIGHT'S CHEESY CLICHES & CATCH PHRASES:

Here for the right reasons

Journey

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

THE ANNOYING LIST:

Ashley: "I hope you guys are happy that it's meeeeeee!" Girl, quit thanking them for sticking around!

Teetotaler Tim vs. Batman. 2pm after school at the flagpole. Be there!

Snoring!

WICKED FUN FACTS ABOUT THE DUDES
- OR AS I CALL THEM, TOTAL RED FLAGS!


Lil' Chris D. in da house counts rap as a hobby. We think he should keep his day job...

There's just no coming between Jeff and his mask!

Matt's a Mamacita's boy!

WillIAm is a 30 year old BOY and wants to live to be a 60 year old...BOY. Okay...

J.P. hasn't had a cavity since Jr. High!

THE HANDY BACHELOR
DATING GUIDE:


If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING woman with 24 other AMAZING guys, you might find these things come in handy!

CHOICE WORDS FOR THE LOVELY LADY:

Gorgeous, Amazing, Stunning, Beautiful!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Gotta hug a hugger!

Spritz yourself with something manly!

Drop an Amazing or two or twenty...

Sport a tousled Keith Urban do

Give her a broken compass. Works best if your name is North, South, East, or West...

Casually drop a hint that you're crownless!

Be a gentleman and kiss her hand.

No props. Just be yourself. Refreshing!

Sell yourself with witty impressions.

HOW NOT TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Weirdo social mask experiments. What a Bob Bummer!

Dramatic pauses

Turn your back while attempting your super secret suit and tie adjustment maneuver. She'll totally never figure it out!

Stun her with your suave air of confusion...

Squint at her while sizing her up...

Reveal that you brush your teeth like 8 times a day. Compulsive much?

Talk about gas!

Get sloshed and then snore like a foghorn.

STUNTS THAT GRAB HER ATTENTION:

Give the little lady some ballet tickets!

Spiffy handshakes

Treat her to a little homemade vino

A little twirl and a tango!

Recite a poem

Move over Neil Lane! It's a pink dental floss finger bow-ring thingy. Awe!

Chucking a guitar into the pool. Thank goodness, no more cheesy singers!

Cue Card Communiques

STUNTS THAT JUST PLAIN STINK:

Gettin' your Batman on! Combined with a railing, can we call this a Mask-nick!?

Manhandling her while she's in a fancy dress!

A kiss from a complete stranger! Whose lips are just a little tooo glossy...

Crash the party with your camera looking to score some shots of Harrisoncrest! Woot Woot!

Getting advice from mom about protection in the fantasy suite! A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

THAT'S HOT:


Patterned ties

Tousled Hair

A little pocket square bling

Going tie-less

THAT'S SOOO NOT HOT:

Stylin' the ice-cream social look...

Creeper Masks

Drunken snoring

Burping a grown man. Oh hell no. Please not ever again on this show!

THE THANK GOD YOU WERE JILTED AWARD:

The It Happens Every Season Award
for Thanking the last Dumbass Bach/ette
for dumping the current Jilted Bach/ette Goes To...

Ryan P.

25 DOWN TO 18:

Ryan P., Jeff, Constantine, Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, WillIAm, Hell Ya J.P., Ames, and Bentley.

SOME LOVELY PARTING SHOTS:


Anthony - "Lil' Pissed. Bada Bing Bada Boom!"

Rob - "I'm crushed/bummed out/lost/defeated. But I do have my handy synonym/antonym dictionary with me as a consolation!"

Jon - "Empty-handed, beside myself, heart breaking, what did I do wrong?!" Man up Marine Jon!

RANDOM COMMENTS & THINGS TO PONDER:

Nice try Ames! He tried to pawn those ballet tickets off on Ashley but darned if she didn't give him one back. Psyche!

Apparently Ashley can understand French but can't speak it in return...

If you wanted to take your face out of the game, wouldn't a ski mask have been more appropriate. Or a paper bag? Just sayin'!

Jeff says if you cover up half your face then you're strange. You're damn right you're strange!

What's with all the furry blankets?

Was WillIAm doing a Harvey Fierstein impression? Can he do an impression of WillIAm?

Anyone think Anthony thought he was trying out for Jersey Shore, got waylaid, and then ended up in some strange Bachelorette Pad in a land far far away from Joisey!?

Did Ryan M. ever score those shots of Harrisoncrest?!

Anyone else think that Foghorn Snorehorn Tim just ruined any chance in hell of future booty call sleepovers!?

BACHELORETTE FUN #1
GAME FACE MIX UP!

OTHER SPIFFY WAYS TO TAKE YOUR
FACE OUT OF THE GAME:

And here's how you can take your hand out of the game:

And your foot out of the game:

Just brilliant strategies people if you need to get a clue or anything...

COMING UP NEXT WEEK...

The creeper on the crapper. OUTSTANDING ABC! Really!? Excuse me while I go find a blindfold for next week's episode...

Jenn

Monday, May 23, 2011

Bachelorette Ashley Dishes on Good Morning America

Check out Bachelorette Ashley on Good Morning America dishing about love, 25 dudes, and those Amazing dates were about to see:



Want to date a spunky lady like Ashley? Click here to apply for the next installment of The Bachelor!

Jenn

Bachelorette Ashley Begins Tonight!

Break out the martinis, de-thorn your roses, and join me on my Twitter while I snark through tomorrow's premier!

Ooh La La this better be good ;-)

Who's with me!?

Jenn

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bachelorette Ashley & Her Dudes: My Thoughts

Official Press Release

ASHLEY BEGINS HER SEARCH FOR
THAT
ONE SPECIAL MAN WHEN
"THE BACHELORETTE"

PREMIERES, MONDAY, MAY 23, ON ABC

Ashley's Suitors Are Revealed, and Her Search for Mr. Right Starts with a Shocker... She is Warned By a Former "Bachelor" Cast Member About One of the Men Before the Series Even Starts!

What do a buffed butcher who is ready to slice up the competition, a handsome brokenhearted winemaker, a masked mystery man who wants to be known as more than a pretty face, a solar energy executive who will try to light up Ashley's life, an amusing "boy next door" who can crack a joke but might not be ready to settle down, and a divorced, single dad who may be there for the wrong reasons all have in common? They're all on the hunt for the new Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert, when the seventh edition of the female version of ABC's popular romance reality series, "The Bachelorette," premieres MONDAY, MAY 23 (9:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network.

Editors note: The program's regular time is 8:00-10:01 p.m., ET, beginning Monday, May 30.

Ashley, 27, who is finishing her degree in dentistry in Philadelphia, meets 25 potential soul mates as she begins her own search for true love. In the premiere, "Episode 701," 25 eligible men come from all over to try and win her heart. Immediately, the drama begins: Chris Harrison is surprised to find out that Ashley already knows about one of the men -- Bentley -- before meeting him. Mickey, a handsome chef, can't help himself and steals a kiss. A sharp Wall Street banker, Ames, is right on the money when he offers Ashley a pair of tickets to the ballet. Ben F., a vintner who knows his way around fine wines, pours a glass for Ashley from her own special vintage he created. And Nick, a former baseball player, recites a poem he wrote just for her. Meanwhile Jeff, the mysterious masked bachelor, attempts to draw all of Ashley's attention, but manages to irritate the other men at the same time. Then Bentley finally arrives... He is the man whom Ashley was made aware of before the show even began; a former "Bachelor" cast member tipped her that he might be there for the wrong reasons. When he steps out of the limo, all bets are off. She starts off being cynical, but is blown away by how attractive and charming Bentley is.

Once inside, Ashley lives every woman's dream - surrounded by 25 handsome men, all there just for her. As the biggest night of her life begins, so does the competition between the men. Ryan P. is the first to steal the Bachelorette away for some alone time and tries to quiet her fears about the men not liking her. Matt scores big points for introducing Ashley to his mother over a speakerphone. Ben C., an attorney, makes his case by communicating a romantic message to her from across the room on giant cue cards. From behind his mask, Jeff explains to Ashley that he is not just a pretty face -- and wants her to get to get to know the person he is on the inside. But will his enigmatic efforts pay off with a rose? Mike has a special song for the Bachelorette and starts to accompany himself on his guitar, but she is unprepared for what happens next. Moreover, Bentley surprises her with how genuine he seems.

Tensions mount and sparks fly as the bachelors vie for the first impression rose, but Tim is so nervous, he begins to drink to cover his stress, forcing Ashley to make her first major decision.

Finally, Ashley will eliminate seven of the 25 men, leaving 18 to compete for her affections and, in the end, her heart.

MY PREDICTIONS

Just based on looks and goofy bios (and somewhat dorky blue background photos), here's my take on these 25 AMAZING Dudes:

Meet: Bentley the Investment Banker
What's Hot: He's named after a posh car! And he has NO tattoos!
What's Not: Mountain Man Plaid. Where's the power suit!?
Prediction: Top 12

Meet: Mickey the Chef
What's Hot: He can cook!
What's Not: He says he's not read too many books cover to cover. Um, okay...
Prediction: Top 6

Meet: Matt the Office Supply Salesman
What's Hot: I know where I can get some me some more post-its stat!
What's Not: He has a Bachelor of Science in TURF GRASS MANAGEMENT. Okay...
Prediction: Top 15

Meet: William the Sales Consultant
What's Hot: Charming Good Looks
What's Not: Can't keep his pants on--at least back in 7th grade...
Prediction: Top 6

Meet: Ryan P. the Solar Energy Executive
What's Hot: He's got a sunny disposition apparently ;-)
What's Not: He'd probably nag you about leaving the lights on!
Prediction: Top 15

Meet: Nick the Personal Trainer
What's Hot: He's a Tight Jeans kind of guy.
What's Not: The chin fuzz. Lose it, dude!
Prediction: Top 15

Meet: Chris D. the Sports Marketing Coordinator
What's Hot: Still pondering this...
What's Not: He can't tell time.
Prediction: He'll be lucky if he makes the top 15!

Meet: Blake the Dentist
What's Hot: Nice teeth.
What's Not: He'd like to be Tiger Woods for a day. You know, Tiger Woods...
Prediction: Top 15

Meet: Ryan M. the Construction Estimator
What's Hot: Can make jokes about his embarrassing moments
What's Not: Has trouble with his zipper...
Prediction: Top 10

Meet: Michael the Business Developer
What's Hot: Flexible
What's Not: Once a streaker, always a streaker!
Prediction: Might make the top 15

Meet: Ames the Banker
What's Hot: He gets Tolstoy...
What's Not: He lives at the gym!
Prediction: Top 10

Meet: West the Lawyer
What's Hot: Keepin' it real with family! He admires his step-dad. That's refreshing. So many others selected Celebutards and politicians (gag!)
What's Not: He can see himself having a conversation with a volleyball...
Prediction: Might make the top 15!

Meet: Lucas the Oilfield Equipment Distributor
What's Hot: He's from Texas! Conservative. And he's an oilman!
What's Not: Maybe too perfect?!
Prediction: Top 10

Meet: Chris M. the Construction Owner
What's Hot: He admires his mom! Awe!
What's Not: Not sure about spontaneity when traveling in a foreign country...
Prediction: Top 10

Meet: Tim the Liquor Distributor
What's Hot: Martinis anyone!?
What's Not: He procrastinates, wakes up grumpy, and overspends.
Prediction: Top 15

Meet: J.P. the Construction Manager
What's Hot: His favorite holiday is the 4th of July!
What's Not: Might turn into a three year old when things don't go his way...
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Jon the E-Commerce Executive
What's Hot: He's a Marine. UH RAH!
What's Not: Obsessed with Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Ben C. the Lawyer
What's Hot: He's not afraid to wear pink.
What's Not: Admits to having love handles.
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Stephen the Hairstylist
What's Hot: He can touch up your roots at a moment's notice!
What's Not: Can't add.
Prediction: Top 15

Meet: Rob the Technology Executive
What's Hot: He's fiscally conservative.
What's Not: He apparently knows the perils of hunting wild boar with soiled shorts...Yikes!
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Jeff the Wine Owner
What's Hot: He's an animal lover!
What's Not: His greatest achievement? "Creating a Vodka and Wine." Hmmm....
Prediction: Might get by for a little while, Top 15 possibly...

Meet: Frank an Assistant Director of Admissions for an Art College
What's Hot: He's from Alaska!
What's Not: Perhaps a little tooo artsy fartsy...
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Anthony the Butcher
What's Hot: Got a source to score some good filet mignons!
What's Not: He's Mr. Know it All. "A glider is a plane with no engine."
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Constantine the Restaurant Owner
What's Hot: Speaks Greek.
What's Not: He could be Bruno's twin!
Prediction: Not getting Rosed!

Meet: Ben F. the Winemaker and Internet Advertiser
What's Hot: Versatile hair...
What's Not: He doesn't like the Cowboys!
Prediction: Top 10

Click here to see them at ABC and read their bios!

Jenn:)