Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Don't Poke The Bear, The ATFR, & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

From Austin Texas all the way to South Africa, meet the Womacks! Or is it the Picklesimers!? Or something like that... After a big cry fest with the fam, Brad gets down to business!

The MOST dramatic finale ever??? I give it 3 My Gods! 2 Babes. 4 I really dos. And half a dozen No doubt about its! Woot Woot!

HE SAID/SHE SAID


"My family NEEDS to like these women!" -Brad

"He's a catch!" -Chantal

"I've really traveled the world for this guy." -Chantal

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA

MEET THE PARENTS


Brad's Family and Chantal

Memorable Moments:

While Chantal relates love moments from their "journey" to the family, Brad kneads his hands to death! Okay...

Mom questions how Chantal could fall in love so quick...

They have been living in La La Land and she steals words from his mouth. Or something like that...

She's so in love with him and ready to change her life for him!

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA

MEET THE PARENTS


Brad's Family and Emily

Memorable Moments:

Brad nearly slaps his hands off when Emily rings the door bell! That boy is excited!!!

Wes notices that Emily is more reserved than Chantal.

Wes really hopes Brad's really got his thinking cap on in this situation!

Emily's being such a lady makes Brad want to be a better guy. Awe!

His brother Wes thinks he'd be a damn good father!

Emily makes Mom cry when she calls Brad her Angel. Awe!

WHO DOES THE FAMILY LIKE?


Chantal - Beautiful, great personality, precious, sweet, wonderful, warm, open. Mom can see her in the real world.

Emily - Reserved, not as outgoing. Strong woman.

The sister in laws like Emily because she's a mom and gets "their world!"

Mom thinks Emily is the whole package.

They choose Emily!

LAST CHANCE CHANTAL - GANSBAAHI

Memorable Moments:

Brad thinks she's fun and adventurous and she's tough. So what the heck, let's swim with sharks!

He hopes she might wrestle one!

She wants a ring on her finger because he sucks!

Good times!

Swimming with sharks is a great way to test out a marriage. Okay!

Brad sums it up as: a perfect girl, a perfect date, a perfect experience. Uh oh, red flags!

It feels like he's known her for five years!

A Message in a Bottle! No, it's a map! With red dots and places they've visited.

"Bradley," he likes that!

LAST CHANCE EMILY - CAPE TOWN

Memorable Moments:

They miss each other. Awe!

Chantal got sharks. Emily gets the Cape of Good Hope. No contest!

She reminds him with her and Ricki, there's NO more bachelor pad, pizza, and beer! Doh!

She is painfully insecure.

More wind!

The most awkward talk about being a dad ever! Not to mention fidgeting, sweating, and face scratching. Yikes!

2 DOWN TO 1:

Bye Bye Chantal...

SOME LOVELY PARTING THOUGHTS:

It doesn't make sense...I feel really stupid.

GETTING ROSED:

Emily. Meet The Bear! Oh Boy...


AFTER THE FINAL ROSE:
BRAD & EMILY + CHANTAL

TOP TEN THINGS WE GOT
OUT OF THE ATFR:


1. Chantal ponders why she always has to cry... Ahem!

2. Chantal beats a dead horse. Brad beats around a bush. Tears are shed. Somewhere in a dark room, Fleiss does a fist pump.

3. Brad finally found his girl!

4. It's the Mystery of the Missing Wedding! Details!

5. Shocker! Brad and Emily have broken up at least once...

6. Sweeeeet little Emily can be tough!

7. Brad: I'm engaged to this woman. I'm not letting her go. I'm fighting for her.

8. Emily: I'm engaged, BUT there's no way in hell I'm movin' to Austin or gettin' hiched today! Ooooooh!

9. If Emily had been diving with sharks or sliding down "friggin'" lines, she'd be FUN too!

10. Brad "Poke the Bear" Womack has a bit of a temper...

THINGS TO PONDER

Is Brad's twin a fraternal twin or an identical? Because there are some very noticeable differences to their facial features. Or did Chad get plastic surgery after Bachelor Brad 1 so that women, who were mistaking him for Brad, would quit slapping him all the time?

Jenn:)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bachelor Brad: The Women Tell All or Nothing at All...

Bring it on bitches! It's the Women Tell All...Or Nothing At All! All bets on the latter...

Joining us from the 28 women Brad has dumped thus far were these whiners and cat fighters:

Eye Rollin' Sarah P., Voice of Reason Lisa M., No One Likes Melissa, Bugs Alli, Lady Godiva Hair Britt, Monotone Marissa, You Can Lead A Horse to Water Raichel, Fashionista Meghan, Jersey Shore Stacey, Boo Hoo Ashley S., Judge Jackie, The New Ashley H., Momma Michelle, Vamp Madison, and Mute Shawntel N.

Just listening to them bitch for 2 hours could make anyone extra bitchy and snarky! And who nominated Judge Jackie to speak so much for the group!? Don't pee on her shoes and tell her it's raining! Did Stacey think she was auditioning for Jersey Shore?! And Sarah P.--what's with the really long stringy hair thingy that was driving me nuts. Scissors anyone!? Booooo!

Holy cow, who is this woman?! It's the new Ash! Ashley H. has gone back to her natural hair color. Like the new look? Vote up top right...

Props to Harrisoncrest for this snazzy tousled do--Ashley H. couldn't be the only one with a makeover!

Zero props go to Jackie, Sarah P., and Stacey whose constant whining and bitching were like nails on a chalkboard!

Happy Face #1 - Perfecting the Eye Roll!

Happy Face #2 - Eyes like daggers!

Happy Face #3 - Looking Down On You Eyes!

Bachelor/ette Reunions=one crazy Bachelor Pad 2. In fact, I think this picture probably sums up Bachelor Pad 2! Um, gross!

30 BITCHY FUN FACTS ABOUT
THE WOMEN TELL ALL...
OR NOTHING AT ALL:

1. Brad thinks Madison is an extraordinary woman who will make some vampire happy some day! Okay!

2. Brad's a trooper, man!

3. Brad's got zero game...

4. All the drama and cat fights are like a glorious buffet for Harrisoncrest!

5. Jackie equates Michelle to a spider--she's creepy and everyone's afraid of her... Ooooh!

6. Raichel's Deep Thoughts on Melissa: She's Poisonous, Toxic, Frantic, Frazzled and Freaking everyone out!

7. Melissa apologizes. Raichel's sorry for her own actions, but not sorry about that Bitch Melissa!

8. Michelle's smart ass side is really just a defense mechanism.

9. Just to clear things up Stacey, Jackie, and Sarah P, NO, Michelle doesn't want monkeys to attack Chantal! But we want monkeys to attack Stacey, Jackie, and Sarah P!

10. Stacey throws down the mother/child card at Michelle. Michelle Cries. People roll their eyes. Boooooo!

11. Jackie thinks Michelle's like Slim Shady, yo!

12. Britt thinks those witches are just jealous of Michelle! We think so too, Jackie!

13. Michelle and Emily were like best friends in the house. Who knew!?

14. Ashley S. hits up Harrisoncrest for his single friends! Woohoo!

15. To sum up, Ashley H. didn't know what the hell she was doing! Yeah, we noticed...

16. "Regret weighs so heavily on your heart." -Ashley H.

17. Ashley H. blames her split with Brad 100% on her self!

18. Brunettes have more fun! So says Ashley H...

19. Ashley H. feels like a changed woman! She really, really, really does! Brad's reallys have clearly worn off on her!

20. Brad promised his final babe he wouldn't be too happy to be at the WTA. Sorry babe, he's totally thrilled to be there!

21. Watching Ashley S's exit broke Brad's heart. Awe!

22. "Mercy! This is the HOT seat, man!" -Brad under fire

23. Brad will defend Michelle until he's blue in the face! Take that Stacey!

24. Brad's a hugger!

25. Playing soccer in South Africa, Harrisoncrest can bend it like Beckham!

26. "We're not doing this again! This is IT!" -Harrisoncrest to Brad

27. Classy! Sarah P. can drink wine with her feet. Didn't see that one coming...

28. Where was this fun goofy side of Serious Brad during the last 9 episodes!?

29. Brad has no regrets!

30. Brad wants to marry Emily! Wait, did I just hear that in the voice over!?

Until next week when Brad dumps one and finally picks one in the end! And then everyone can quit nagging and bitching to him about Bachelor Brad #1.

Jenn:)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's Bachelor Brad: Lion King & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

Brad looks longingly out the window of the plane, he really does, wondering what to do. He has no clue. He tries to think of something about each babe. Chantal is a bit emotional. A roller coaster. Ashley's comfortable like an old pair of slippers. Emily's one in a million. Well there you go, case closed!

Oh Good Grief! Brad has to get all Mesnicky on us in Africa. Where there's a railing, there be The Bachelor! Gag!

THE ANNOYING LIST

Ashley's squealing! Make it stop!!!!

Brad's incessant nervous ticks and fidgeting. Make it stop!!!!

THINGS THAT WERE HOT


The Indiana Jones/Outback Look!

Turquoise

THINGS THAT WERE NOT HOT


Ashley chewing her lips repeatedly. Gross!

Daisy Duke Shorts? Not so much...

CHEESY FUN FACTS

Brad has trust issues. He really does!

Ashley's fault is needing to achieve, achieve, achieve!

HE SAID/SHE SAID

"I have NO CLUE what I'm doing right now..." -Brad

"I want what's best for him. It's ME dammit!" -Chantal

"What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite." -Chantal

"I'm making no sense!" -Brad

"What do you think of the mosquito nets?" -Ashley to Brad

"They work!" -Brad to Ashley

"Chris didn't have to tell me that was the last rose tonight." -Brad to a chorus of Ha. Has.

SOUTH AFRICA PART 1 - SABI SANDS

Chantal and Brad

Memorable Moments

Nice hat Brad!

OMG Lions! SHUT UP!

An African Safari--AMAZING!

Brad has lunch with a hippo and Chantal.

Brad tricks Chantal into eating a worm and then he won't. Wuss!

Chantal talks about getting hitched right there and Brad begins to nervously knead his hands together repeatedly into some kind of African flat bread... Okay!

"Brad and Chantal. Welcome to the beautiful country of South Africa. If you should choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite...er...tree house. Brad and Chantal sitting in a tree...house...K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Get it?! Be sure to stay inside the netting, there's going to be a lot of HUGE bugs. Don't open your mouth for anything. Oh, and you get to pee in a pot! Have fun you crazy kids! Love ya both, --Harrisoncrest"

It's like an adventure tale fairy tale love story--fear factor style! I think a tree house without plumbing sucks for a fantasy suite!

SOUTH AFRICA PART 2 - SABI SANDS

Emily and Brad

Memorable Moments

OMG! Elephants! SHUT UP!

Emily: "Brad left me alone in the wild...and he had all dag gone day to get ready for this date! What did he forget!? It's possible a lion could come eat me!"

A ride on Tembo the elephant? AMAZING!

Oh My Gosh! Oh My Goodness! Like 100 times! Make it stop!!!!

It's like the Lion King, but better!

They kiss. The elephants kiss. Awe!

Brad's like a prepubescent teenager around Em. For reals!

"Brad and Emily. Welcome to the amazing country of South Africa. Let's cut to the chase. Yeah you're a mom, but Brad's like a nervous schoolboy around you, so help a brother out! We've got some elephants back at the suite and some worms that Chantal wouldn't eat. Good stuff! Be sure to charge the bill to Fleiss. He's the Big Kahuna! Peace out, --Harrisoncrest."

SOUTH AFRICA PART 3, SABI SANDS

Ashley and Brad

Memorable Moments

From Madawaska to South Africa, you've come a long way babe!

All she can think about is whether or not there's another carnival! Since they're like in the middle of nowhere! Or something like that...

OMG! A helicopter! WHAAAAA!

Ashley freaks at that little helicopter and runs away! She's like 3!

God's Window. AMAZING!

Brad toasts to her family and whatever they're doing back home. Like sitting on their one couch eatin' Poutine! Woohoo!

Ashely reminds Grandpa Brad of himself in his 20s. Red Flag!

Brad asks her some tough questions and it's so hard. To think! So many wheels spinning! Like totally!

Brad's got a lot of questions for Ashley. First up, "What's with the crazy hands!? No comprende Crazy Hands!"

She could totally live in Austin--if they have poutine!

"Brad and Ashley. Welcome to the amazing country of South Africa. Brad's confused. You're chewing your lips like a rabid hyena. Why don't you head over to the fantasy suite and make awkward small talk about mosquito nets. You're totally going home tomorrow! Fun times! --Harrisoncrest"

GETTING ROSED

Emily and Chantal

GETTING BROKEN HEARTED +
A FEW LOVELY PARTING SHOTS


Ashley: Saying goodbye is hard!

THINGS TO PONDER

Is Brad really ready for a five-year old?!

Brad said Emily was one-in-a-million. Then he said Ashley was! Fuzzy math!?

BACHELOR FUN #9
LOST IN TRANSLATION:
CRAZY HANDS

WITH ASHLEY

See if you can guess what these hand gestures mean...

a) Man I could really go for some poutine right now!

b) You know this isn't my real hair color, right?

c) You've got some spinach in your teeth...

a) Where was I?!

b) I'm a whiz at small talk!

c) Whoa, back off with the tough questions Dude!

a) I heart you!

b) Which hand is holding the fantasy suite key!? Guess right and we're in for some awkward small talk...

c) Austin?! Who said anything about moving to Austin!?

Jenn:)

Answers: a, c, c