Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Fantasy Suites, Enviro-Dork Ryan Returns, & Other Good Times...

Ah it's fantasy suite time! Woohoo! Subtle Fantasy Suite Cards from Harrisoncrest, awkward kissing, steamy scenes. Ooh la la! We begin with a look back at our final 3 dudes, reliving all the cheesy moments, closed-mouth pecks, and then Ashley takes a moment to reflect on her A-M-A-Z-I-N-G journey...

Dear Diary,

Hi, It's me Ashley. I know I haven't written to you since like 3rd grade and stuff when my annoying brother found my diary and read it to his friends so I cried and drowned my sorrows in some poutine. But, I've been really busy going to dental school and now I'm the Bachelorette and they're making me write to you and stuff. See, I'm on this per-fact journey of love right now. I started out with like 25 guys who all wanted ME! Except for this &^%$#@ Bent-ley who I wanted but he just wanted a vacay and so I had to start over with those other dorks. But I'm perky and I'm a trooper! I pulled myself up by the straps of my stilettos and hemmed all my skirts up 6 inches higher and I've been rockin' it all over Asia. Now I'm down to 3 hotties and what's a girl to do!? Harrisoncrest is sending me on these fantasy dates with these guys I've known just a few weeks, but I just know one of those guys is my husband!

Knock Knock! Knock Knock!

Wait a minute Mr. Diary there's someone at the door...OMG it's that enviro-dork Ryan back to sell me some tankless water heaters! Dammit! I'm sneaking out the back window...If I don't write again soon, send some producers out to the jungle with some rations because I may be deep in the bush on the run for awhile... Love, Ashley"

ASHLEY: Like OMG, what are you doing here!?

RYAN: Well, I was in the neighborhood selling some tankless water heaters and I thought to myself, "Jeepers creepers, why don't I sidle over to Ashley's place and freak her out a little bit?!"

ASHLEY: Like OMG, WHAT are you doing here!?

RYAN: Here's my room number. See you in a few babe! Don't forget to turn out the lights when you go on your date with Constantine and be sure to hang up your towels to dry. Wouldn't want to wound the soul of mother earth by washing your stink off of them, now would we!?

ASHLEY: Um...Like...Okay?

Aaaand we ended with a half-@ssed Mesnick!

In an Amazing Nutshell: Captain Sunshine pops up out of the bushes and freaks us all out! He pleads with Ashley to give him another chance. We say thumbs down! Ben and Ashley get a little freaky on a boat with the suntan lotion and then do some snorkeling. Fun times! Constantine takes a hike--right on out of Ashley's life! Ryan gets dumped again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! J.P. and Ashley get a private island and can't keep their hands off each other. It's clearly game over!




Leap of faith


Tangerine Dresses!

Chunky turquoise bracelets


She's got a great body, but I'm just not caring for the barely there outfits!

It's baaaaack - the racer back style dress!


Ashley loves being on the water.

Constantine's never been in a helicopter before.

Constantine looked at 108 houses before he found the right one. Uh oh! There's only 1 Ashley...

Ashley loves surprises.


"I'm available." -BEN

"Houses and women are not the same!" -CONSTANTINE

"What if I end up all alone and this was for nothing!?" -ASHLEY

"I know I'm in love with her." -J.P.


Ben and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

Sailing on a yacht! So shishi!

BEN: "That's a really nice boat."

Flower in her hair. Pineapple Passion Drink! Cute Boy. Life is per-fact!

Suntan Lotion time! Ashley takes her job very very seriously!

Snorkel time. Blue fish, yellow fish, neon fish. That's a lotta fish Ashley!

Honey! You cooked!

BEN: "Perfect!"
ASHLEY: "Per-faaaact!"

"Ashley and Ben. Harrisoncrest here. Welcome to the islands of Fiji! Damn it's humid! We can see your black man-bra through your shirt dude! Oh, that's a mic-pack? Whatever. So here's a key to stay in the fantasy suite with Ashley. Don't make me beg. It's got a big pool! I'll be hanging out in the hot tub if you need me. Peace out!"

Hubba Hubba!


Constantine, some toads, and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

ASHLEY: "How do you like my tiny shirt!?"

CONSTANTINE: "Man, I need a haircut!"

Constantine's like a Greek God! For reals!

Jumping off the falls. It's a leap of faith! Or not!

Yum. Fresh coconut!

Cheers to more time! Aaaand, buh bye!

It's the end of the road for big C! Don't let the coconuts hit you on the way out!

"Ashley, it's Harrisoncrest. Constantine's probably gone by now and you're all by your lonesome...don't cry, please! It's not like he's Bent-ly or anything! You might as well head on over to the fantasy suite and order up some hohos and Ben & Jerry's cause it's probably going to be a long night! Be sure to charge the bill to Fleiss. He's the Big Kahuna! 'Till the cheesiest rose ceremony ever, I bid you adieu mon petite flower..."


J.P. and Ashley

Memorable Moments:

Sign #1 it's J.P.: They're all over each other!

Their own private island! Sexy!

What's with the shirt J.P.!?

Sign #2 it's J.P.: Man they are still all over each other. Should we be turning away?

ASHLEY: "I said goodbye to 2 guys this week."

J.P.: "I want you."

"Ashley and J.P. my man! Harrisoncrest here. No, I'm not hiding in the bushes. Hangin' poolside with some muy bueno mojitos! We get it, you guys are really into each other. Get Ashley back to the suite before we have to give this episode an XXX rating! Geez you two! Cameraman Bob is blushing and it takes a lot to make that guy blush!"

Like my see-thru shirt?! I borrowed it from Ben, he left it behind in our fantasy suite!



Ben and J.P.


Constantine: Not feeling it!


Please, no enviro-dork Ryan for the next Bachelor! Am I right people?!



ASHLEY: You're being such a bitch! Whaaa!


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