Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Creeper, The Foghorn, The Bentley & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

Gotta Get a Mesnick Shot In There!

Wow, the last two months since Bachelor Brad or Bust has just flown! Here we are and perky Bachelorette Ashley has arrived. Thanks to ABC for bringing us this GEM once again!

I'm sensing a little self confidence issue with our gal. Our little relationship saboteur is ready to work her magic again...er...she's sure she's going to do it right this time! Pinky Swear!

And if she can't take the HEAT this season, she can always get out of the OVEN! Am I right people!?

Grab your champagne glasses and butter knives and join me in a little clink to our little Cupcake's journey! Harrisoncrest has proclaimed it "The night of your life!" So Ashley, let's begin this AMAZING journey with that masked creeper over there in the corner...Woohoo! Good times!

THE 25 A-M-A-Z-I-N-G DUDES:

Sunny Ryan P., Big Jon, I'm From TX Lucas, WillIAm, Lip Smacker Mickey, Teetotaling Tim, Bon Temps Ben C., Jose Eber Stephen, Lil' Chris D., East West, Bada Bing Bada Boom Anthony, No Crowns Rob, Amazing Ames, Momma's Boy Matt, I'm Batman Jeff, Wine Maker Ben F., Tango Frank, Chuck the Guitar Michael, Eh Chris M., Photog Ryan M., No Props J.P., Beat-Nick, Dentist Blake, Beware of Bentley, and Is that Bruno? Constantine.

THE SHORT LIST?

Ryan P.

Pros: Cute Smile and a sunny disposition ;)

Cons: Call me crazy, but after that solar panel infomercial we saw, I sense he's more likely to want to spend time in Al Gore's Library than in Ashley's Boudoir.

J.P.

Pros: He's ready to settle down!

Cons: After 12 years of dating, this career junkie still hasn't settled down...

Ames

Pros: Very educated and motivated.

Cons: He might just pull a Forest Gump and keep on marathon running out of Ashley's life...

Ben C.

Pros: New Orleans baby, Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Cons: Has to communicate by cue cards.

Ben F.

Pros: Sexy Winemaker

Cons: He's maybe too guarded emotionally?

Bentley:

Pros: Good looking. Cute puppy!

Cons: People are saying BEWARE about this dude before filming even begins! Where there's smoke, there's fire...just sayin'!

William:

Pros: Funny dude.

Cons: Apparently has never really been in love before. Hmmm...

TONIGHT'S CHEESY CLICHES & CATCH PHRASES:

Here for the right reasons

Journey

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

THE ANNOYING LIST:

Ashley: "I hope you guys are happy that it's meeeeeee!" Girl, quit thanking them for sticking around!

Teetotaler Tim vs. Batman. 2pm after school at the flagpole. Be there!

Snoring!

WICKED FUN FACTS ABOUT THE DUDES
- OR AS I CALL THEM, TOTAL RED FLAGS!


Lil' Chris D. in da house counts rap as a hobby. We think he should keep his day job...

There's just no coming between Jeff and his mask!

Matt's a Mamacita's boy!

WillIAm is a 30 year old BOY and wants to live to be a 60 year old...BOY. Okay...

J.P. hasn't had a cavity since Jr. High!

THE HANDY BACHELOR
DATING GUIDE:


If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING woman with 24 other AMAZING guys, you might find these things come in handy!

CHOICE WORDS FOR THE LOVELY LADY:

Gorgeous, Amazing, Stunning, Beautiful!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Gotta hug a hugger!

Spritz yourself with something manly!

Drop an Amazing or two or twenty...

Sport a tousled Keith Urban do

Give her a broken compass. Works best if your name is North, South, East, or West...

Casually drop a hint that you're crownless!

Be a gentleman and kiss her hand.

No props. Just be yourself. Refreshing!

Sell yourself with witty impressions.

HOW NOT TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Weirdo social mask experiments. What a Bob Bummer!

Dramatic pauses

Turn your back while attempting your super secret suit and tie adjustment maneuver. She'll totally never figure it out!

Stun her with your suave air of confusion...

Squint at her while sizing her up...

Reveal that you brush your teeth like 8 times a day. Compulsive much?

Talk about gas!

Get sloshed and then snore like a foghorn.

STUNTS THAT GRAB HER ATTENTION:

Give the little lady some ballet tickets!

Spiffy handshakes

Treat her to a little homemade vino

A little twirl and a tango!

Recite a poem

Move over Neil Lane! It's a pink dental floss finger bow-ring thingy. Awe!

Chucking a guitar into the pool. Thank goodness, no more cheesy singers!

Cue Card Communiques

STUNTS THAT JUST PLAIN STINK:

Gettin' your Batman on! Combined with a railing, can we call this a Mask-nick!?

Manhandling her while she's in a fancy dress!

A kiss from a complete stranger! Whose lips are just a little tooo glossy...

Crash the party with your camera looking to score some shots of Harrisoncrest! Woot Woot!

Getting advice from mom about protection in the fantasy suite! A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

THAT'S HOT:


Patterned ties

Tousled Hair

A little pocket square bling

Going tie-less

THAT'S SOOO NOT HOT:

Stylin' the ice-cream social look...

Creeper Masks

Drunken snoring

Burping a grown man. Oh hell no. Please not ever again on this show!

THE THANK GOD YOU WERE JILTED AWARD:

The It Happens Every Season Award
for Thanking the last Dumbass Bach/ette
for dumping the current Jilted Bach/ette Goes To...

Ryan P.

25 DOWN TO 18:

Ryan P., Jeff, Constantine, Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, WillIAm, Hell Ya J.P., Ames, and Bentley.

SOME LOVELY PARTING SHOTS:


Anthony - "Lil' Pissed. Bada Bing Bada Boom!"

Rob - "I'm crushed/bummed out/lost/defeated. But I do have my handy synonym/antonym dictionary with me as a consolation!"

Jon - "Empty-handed, beside myself, heart breaking, what did I do wrong?!" Man up Marine Jon!

RANDOM COMMENTS & THINGS TO PONDER:

Nice try Ames! He tried to pawn those ballet tickets off on Ashley but darned if she didn't give him one back. Psyche!

Apparently Ashley can understand French but can't speak it in return...

If you wanted to take your face out of the game, wouldn't a ski mask have been more appropriate. Or a paper bag? Just sayin'!

Jeff says if you cover up half your face then you're strange. You're damn right you're strange!

What's with all the furry blankets?

Was WillIAm doing a Harvey Fierstein impression? Can he do an impression of WillIAm?

Anyone think Anthony thought he was trying out for Jersey Shore, got waylaid, and then ended up in some strange Bachelorette Pad in a land far far away from Joisey!?

Did Ryan M. ever score those shots of Harrisoncrest?!

Anyone else think that Foghorn Snorehorn Tim just ruined any chance in hell of future booty call sleepovers!?

BACHELORETTE FUN #1
GAME FACE MIX UP!

OTHER SPIFFY WAYS TO TAKE YOUR
FACE OUT OF THE GAME:

And here's how you can take your hand out of the game:

And your foot out of the game:

Just brilliant strategies people if you need to get a clue or anything...

COMING UP NEXT WEEK...

The creeper on the crapper. OUTSTANDING ABC! Really!? Excuse me while I go find a blindfold for next week's episode...

Jenn

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