Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's Brad or Bust Bitches & Other Things To Ponder...

He's bringing sexxxxxy baaaack!!! Yeah! HOLY COW! Has Vamp Madison turned Brad into a VAMPIRE!? Oh, wait, that's just a normal PSA for the Red Cross, the trendy underground "wine" bar for vamps. ;-)

We begin with our little self-styled apologist Brad beating himself up by walking barefoot on sharp gravel rocks while berating himself about sucking big time at commitment. (Rolling Eyes...) But on another level of AMAZING, we now have a new Bachelor phrase: Energy Suck - as in, "Raichel is such an ENERGY SUCK."

THE ANNOYING LIST

Lots of crying!!! Make it stop!!!!

Women who pout=Michelle.

Ta Tas hanging out everywhere!

Girls who act like 3 year olds=Melissa and Raichel

THINGS THAT WERE HOT

Tutu skirts

Spanish Soap Opera Mustache Gustavo!!!! Oops, hiccup, that's the martini talking...

Sparkly bikinis

Green cocktail dresses

THINGS THAT WERE NOT

Tiny Ta Tas that don't hold up strapless dresses too good...

The butch ass whoopin' neck brace/cast look? Not so much...

The Mrs. T's Necklace Thingamajig

Whiney Bitches Bitching at each other

Admitting you had onions on your pizza. LIKE 4 SLICES OF PIZZA!

TOTALLY CHEESY FUN FACTS

Melissa has been stalking this show for 8 YEARS so it's Brad or Bust Bitches!

Michelle's like 30 y'all!

Chantal won't kiss a guy first.

Britt has been in gymnastics her whole life.

Britt's a goody two shoes!

When Michelle kisses people, firecrackers come out of her behind...er...from behind her!

Shut Up! Brad's biggest fear is being alone!

Jackie doesn't wear robes on a first date! And she didn't date at all in college either! Hmmm....

It breaks Brad's heart to see women cry.

HE SAID/SHE SAID


"He's perfect. I love his suit. I love his face." --Raichel

"Redemption? I don't need that." --Apologist Brad

"Happy Freakin' Birthday TO ME!" --Michelle

"I always bring IT!" --Melissa

"Love is a two-way street." --Brad

"I'm looking for a woman who can give just as much as she can receive." --Brad

"People are going to piss me off today. I know it!" --Michelle

"I want Gustavo!" --Stacey

"I'm a big 'ole prude! Ha. Ha. Ha." --Britt

"Every girl he kisses after me is going to be one huge disappointment!" --Delusional Michelle

"Who am I to judge!?" --Brad

THE ROAD TO LOVE IS A WILD RIDE

Ashley H. and Brad

Memorable Moments:

Brad talking Ashley out into the dark spooky woods of CARNIE HELL!!!!

OMG! I'm freaking! OMG! Holy Crap!! Like 200 times! Make it stop!!!

Brad high fives her so hard she yelps. Okay...

Wine AND cotton candy! Now that's a combo!

A Big Giant Bear.

Both commiserate over Daddy issues. Awe.

Ashley speaks in 2 languages: Perky English & Crazy Hands

He calls her "Ash." Awe.

A cliche Ferris Wheel Kiss...

LET'S SHARE SOMETHING FROM THE HEART

Keltie, Chantal, Madison, Melissa, Kimberly, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Meghan, Emily, Stacy, Alli, Shawntel, Michelle, Lisa, and Brad

Memorable Moments:

Michelle sprouts wrinkles.

Nothing says Red Cross like a Palm Beach cougar, a sexy maid, Spanish soap opera hijinks, and an S&M vampire!

Nothing says sexy like fake chest hair!

20 kissing redoes? Anything for charity!

Melissa mouth rapes a shocked and befuddled Brad.

Shut up! Prude Britt gets raunchy!

Michelle plays the "Attention Whore Game."

LET'S GET OUR LOVE ON TRACK

Jackie and Brad

Memorable Moments:

Jackie gets her own Pretty Woman experience. Without the hooker part of course... ;-)

A room full of fancy dresses and shoes! Swoon!

Hey Soul Sista Dancing With Her Mista...

It's amazing how a lot of diamonds can make you think you're the luckiest girl in the world!

Jackie's like the female Bachelor Brad 1. Uh oh!

RAICHEL & MELISSA'S CUCKOO
COCKTAIL PARTY GOSSIP

Melissa's a toxic disease.

Raichel is psycho.

Melissa's hyper and is OCD.

Jesus loves Raichel so she will stay and Melissa will go!

Raichel is an ENERGY SUCK.

AAAAAAAAAAnd they both went. Clearly Jesus is fan of irony! ;-)

GETTING ROSED

Ashley H., Michelle, Jackie, Emily, Chantal, Sarah, Alli, Kimberly, Shawntel, Stacey, Ashley S., Madison, Lisa, Marissa, Meghan, Lindsay, and Britt.

GETTING BROKEN HEARTED +
A FEW LOVELY PARTING SHOTS


Raichel, Melissa, and Keltie

Keltie--Give me an Oscar for WORSE DATER EVAH! She'll be stickin' to kickin'.

Melissa--I'm a really nice person...

THINGS TO PONDER


What does Melissa always bring?

Anyone else notice that Brad smelled the rose deeply before giving it to Jackie?!

Melissa spent a lot of money on clothes. Define "A LOT"...

Anyone else think Raichel should stop buying her tops in the juniors department and move on to the GIANT melons department?!?

BACHELOR FUN #2
MICHELLE GETS TO THE
BOTTOM OF BRAD

Starbucks or The Coffee Bean? Starbucks.

What's always in the fridge? Eggs, turkey, water.

Jenn:)

1 comment:

Village Pourhouse said...

David Good Book Signing and Bachelor Viewing Party!
Monday, January 31st, 7pm to 11pm

Reality TV personality David Good got a second chance on ABC’s "Bachelor Pad" this summer (which he won!) after being on Season 5 of "The Bachelorette".
These days, he’s hoping the world gives him a first chance as an author of his newly released book, The Man Code: A Woman’s Guide To Cracking The Tough Guy.
As unlikely a messenger may seem, his book gives women a look under the hood, and how it pertains to relationships from the boardroom to the bedroom – helping them crack the code to understanding "men's men"!

Free Hour Open Bar from 7pm to 8pm and Drink Specials all night!

Village Pourhouse
64 Third Ave (at 11th Street)
New York, NY 10003
www.villagepourhouse.com
212.979.2337