Thursday, January 27, 2011

Bachelor Brad and the Black Eyed B-tch & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

You're darn right Brad's man enough to make it to the end of this! And totally cheesy enough to manage to not rock the Pop your Booty Dance in the Hot Tub Time Machine! We give him a D for Dorky...

Are you man (or woman) enough to play along with Brad in the Fantasy Bachelor game now underway at Facebook? Check out Fantasy Bachelor and compete with your fellow Bachelor/ette fans!

We continue this week with Bachelor Brad Therapy Edition Part 4: Let's Beat A Dead Horse... Brad has had so much therapy that he's become the little love advice bandit to the ladies. So much so, that I predict as his next venture, he's opening up a 5 Cent Lucy The Shrink is in Stand right between Austin bar #1 and Austin bar #2! Get a rose with every confessional and drown your sorrows in some Tequila! Whoo!

Time to grab your martinis and get saucy when you hear "profound," "intimate," "feelings," "one-on-one," "connections," "validation," "journey," and our oh so fabulous catch phrase "amazing." In the meantime, let me struggle to get up off of this hard concrete driveway where I've been having a charming picnic of champagne and conversation hearts to arrange my thoughts and feelings about this profound journey and whinefest we love so much...

THE ANNOYING LIST

Convertible rides with flyaway hair. Ladies, it's called a ponytail holder. Try it!

Brad's constant red nose. Is it sunburned or is he channeling his inner Rudolph here?!

Michelle's gangsterish hand gestures and air punches. So. Very. Kooky.

THINGS THAT WERE HOT

Green dresses with minimal cleavage!

THINGS THAT WERE NOT HOT

Apparently Harrisoncrest bumped into a sweater bonanza on the way over and ended up with this doozy...

The Black Eyed B-tch Look. Not so much...

Underwater Robot Suits? Not a chance!

Jealousy Inducing Picnics

CHEESY FUN FACTS

Michelle has the power to give herself black eyes in her sleep. Run Brad! Run!!!

Chantal married her high school sweetheart.

Brad didn't kiss that girl way back in 8th grade on the football field...

HE SAID/SHE SAID

"HELL-O!" -Brad

"Like WHO wakes up with a black eye?" -Michelle

"I wouldn't want to be with me." -Ashley H.

"Competition has begun. Start packing your bags. It's been great know you. I wish you all the very best. Bye." -Michelle

"I think tonight 13 girls should go home. There should be one rose." -Meghan

"Why am I here?" -Lisa (We wonder that too...)

"HELL-O!" -Brad

"Ting Ting Ting." -Champagne Glass Knife Banger Extraordinaire Harrisoncrest

"I want to propose to one of you at the end of this." -Brad

"Ladies. Brad. It's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." -Harrisoncrest

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE

Chantal and Brad

Memorable Moments:

A helicopter! SHUT UP!

Chantal's afraid of water. But, for Brad, she'll buck up...

"When you put yourself out there a whole new world can be open to you." -Chantal

Helmet Kisses. Awe!

She apologizes for her great right hook!

Rain is good luck.

It's freakin' crazy--he just wants to grab her hand and run away...

LET'S PUT OUR LOVE ON THE LINE

Ashley S., Stacey, Lindsay, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Ashley H., Jackie and Brad

Memorable Moments:

Love Line with Mike and Dr. Drew! Didn't see that one coming...

Safe place. Thoughts. Feelings. Aaaand Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eaters!

Brad's a HUGE Dr. Drew fan! Mike's a BIG Brad fan!

Brad doesn't have a type and he's not a cheater.

Taking women to see Dr. Drew? The BEST date ever! Until that can of worms explodes!

Everyone was stealing Brad from everyone else. Like, how dare they!

Ashley H. gets some 1-on-1 time with her booze...

Ashley H. and her drunken potty mouth lose the rose and it goes to not a chance in hell Britt!

The Booty Pop! Priceless...

LET'S HANG OUT TOGETHER

Michelle and Brad

Memorable Moments:

"This is MY day." -Michelle

He doesn't want to be rude to Michelle by hosting an impromptu confessional with Ashley H., but...

Michelle drags Brad out of there before some other whiner distracts him!

You don't think Michelle's afraid of heights, do you?

A leap of faith for love. Awe. Gag!

He promises never to rappel off a building with another girl.

GETTING ROSED

Chantal, Britt, Michelle, Ashley S., Alli, Emily, Shawntel, Lisa, Jackie, Marissa, and Ashley H.

GETTING BROKEN HEARTED +
A FEW LOVELY PARTING SHOTS

Meghan - Sucks for me!

Stacey - It wasn't in the cards for me!

Lindsay - I just wasn't the girl for Brad but I made my daddy proud...

THINGS TO PONDER

Anyone else noticed how Harrisoncrest sets down the date card and then backs away from it quickly like he's afraid those love starved chicks might take him down for it?!

What's with Brad and all the jumping into pools fully clothed!?

What caused Meghan to scamper off so quick once she was rejected? Was there a buy one get one half off special in the limo ride of shame bar?!

BACHELOR FUN #4
Michelle Drew & Brad Hardy
&
The Secret of the
Black Eyed B-tch...

She's completely baffled. He thinks it's sooo weird!

Suspect #1: Ashley S.

"I wish I was the one that gave Michelle her black eye. I want to rip her head off. Ha. Ha. Ha." -Ashley S.

Suspect #2: Kooky Michelle

"I seriously think I beat myself up in the night..." -Michelle

"There is a really good chance that if I don't get a 1-on-1 date this week, that Brad might get his own black eye." -Michelle

Jenn:)

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