Tuesday, January 4, 2011

America Slaps Bachelor Brad! Good times!

A vampire, a funeral director, and a manscaper walk into an Austin bar...

Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night cat fights a la The Bachelor. Will there be scandals and drama??? Scandals no, if the spoilers are correct. But drama? Yes! I mean, when you put 20 women in a house with just a couple bathrooms and a hot bachelor to fight over, there's just gonna be a lot of whiney witches! The most controversial season of the bachelor ever? It's on!

I thought it would be fun to highlight some tongue-in-cheek memories and "tips" from Bachelor Brad's quest to totally redeem himself from the last debacle where apparently every woman in America hated him! So much so that he had to go into therapy. Not ab therapy. Mental therapy! Poor Brad walked away without a good woman to take back home to Texas when he dumped DeAnna and Jenni at the end of Bachelor Brad 1. Now, he's on the bumpy road to redemption!

On Monday's show we were introduced to these AMAZING or BEAUTIFUL (depending on which drinking game you're playing) women: America's Slap Messenger Chantal, Cautious Kimberly, Junk Trunk Alli, Grab @ss Ashley S., Pink Platforms Meghan, Sporty Marissa, Texas Lindsay, Dentist Ashley H., Manscaper Raichel, Catch Me! Melissa, 30 Second Renee, All Smiles Cristy, Will You Marry Me Sarah P., Super Sleuth Lacey, You're History Lauren, Looks Drunk Lisa P., Funeral Director Shawntel, Thing Britnee, Dude--Who the Hell Are You? Stacey, Slam Dunk Tall Jill, Ruby Slippers Lisa M., Kissing Frogs Rebecca, Just J., Bendable Keltie, Two Snaps and a Twist Sarah L., Coal Miner's Daughter Emily, Lady Godiva Hair Britt, and Stunning Michelle.

Brad Went From this:

To this:

Wooo! You've come a long waaaay baby!

To Sum Up Brad's Last 3 Years: I'm a Jerk. Scared to commit. What's wrong with me? Panic attacks. Rock bottom. Broken. Phobia of commitment. Intensive therapy. With a therapist! Trust issues. Absent father. Closed off. He'll prove to everyone and himself he's changed! Fears they won't believe he's changed. Soul searching. Ready. Luckiest guy on the planet! A much better man. A changed man. A new beginning...Gag!

(Wait. hold it. Cut! You dumped 2 women you'd barely dated for 6 weeks and that led to hitting rock bottom?!? Okay...)

REUNITED AND IT FEEEEELS SOOO GOOD!
JENNI AND DEANNA VS. BRAD THE CAD:

"Fancy seeing you here again!" --DeAnna

"I'm so profoundly sorry." --Brad

"I am skeptical." --DeAnna

THE HANDY BACHELOR
DATING GUIDE:

If YOU just happen to be competing for an AMAZING man with 29 other AMAZING girls, you might find these things come in handy:

HOW TO IMPRESS HIM:

Tell him he's a tall drink of water!

Tell him your life revolves around sports.

Tell him he's the perfect guy for you!

Tell him he looks delicious. Until he finds out you're a Vampire!

Ask him for advice.

Give him chocolate.

Play grab @ss!

HOW NOT TO IMPRESS HIM
&/OR APPEAR STALKERISH:

Tell him when you first meet him you're already planning on taking him home to meet the family!!!

Ask him if he can handle your big @ss!

Keep popping up to steal him. Like every 30 seconds!

HOW TO CONFUSE HIM:

Ask him to get down on one knee...

STUNTS THAT GRAB HIS ATTENTION:

Bitch Slapping Him. From. Every. Woman. In. America.

Run and make him catch you.

Show him how bendable you are...

Manscape his wrist.

STUNTS THAT JUST PLAIN STINK:

Pinkie swears. That's like so third grade...

Kiss him right off the bat!

Lame song lyrics. KA-RAZY Kasey anyone???

Who the hell cast THING from the Addams Family!?!?

CHEESY FUN FACTS:

Madison knows the leader of the underground vampire world. Seriously!??

Don't mess with Britnee!!!! Or she'll tell you off with hand signals while she hides inside a limo. Or something like that...

J's name is just that, J. So cool she only needs one initial. Hmmm......

Sarah L. can't snap her fingers.

RAICHEL'S WORD OF THE DAY:

Manscaping--it's a term for men's waxing.

THINGS THAT WERE HOT:

Sparkles and Bling.

Fangs (To Brad anyhow...)

THINGS THAT WERE NOT:

Pink Platform Rafts. Not so much.

Messy Hair.

Sloppy Dresses.

Two-tone color hair

Ta tas hanging out.

Swaggering like a man. Yes I'm talking to you Madison!

Dorthy's Slippers. She called. She wants them back or she'll sic the Wicked Witch on your @ass!

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"I'm an artist and the mouth is my canvas." --Ashley H.

"In my profession, I meet a lot of guys. Unfortunately, they're not alive." --Shawntel

"If all the stars are aligned, I think The Bachelor has a good chance of being buried in Chico." --Shawntel

"Finding a boyfriend is kind of like shopping for a great pair of shoes. It's really difficult. You gotta go through a lot of really ugly cheap ugly cheesy ones to find a great one." --Meghan

"Considering how the last one ended, if this doesn't go well you might have to leave the country!" --Harrisoncrest

"I'm not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes." --Brad

"Don't screw this up." --Harrisoncrest

"OMG! Brad Womack! Really?!" --Chantal

"I've been slapped. I've been told I'm hated." --Brad

"Hopefully second time's a charm." --Ashley H.

"If he doesn't get a wife this time, he's going to have to go in a cave and live." --Keltie

"Please don't make me hit you again." --Chantal

"I feel beat up. Still excited. But beat up." --Brad

"With pain, there's pleasure." --Raichel

"I don't want my package waxed AT ALL!" --Brad

"La la la la la. I came here todaaaaaaaay. All the way to LA. What more can I saaaaay. Take me awaaaaaaaaaay. HA HA HA HA.!!!" --Jackie

"All these bitches are stealing time away from me. I'm better than all these bitches here. I'm aggravated..." --Renee

"The girl has fangs!" --Brad

"There's a lot of little girls in here. But I'm a woman." --Michelle

"Ladies. Brad. It's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." --Harrisoncrest

GETTING ROSED:

Ashley S., Michelle, Kimberly, Madison, Emily, Raichel, Keltie, Ashley H., Meghan, Lisa M., Lindsay, Alli, Sarah P., Marissa, Britt, Stacey, Shawntel, Jackie, Melissa, and Chantal.

LEAVING BROKEN HEARTED +
A FEW LOVELY PARTING SHOTS

Renee, Cristy, Lacey, Lauren, Lisa P., Britnee, Jill, Rebecca, Sarah L., and J.

Lauren--That pisses me off. Missed out on a great woman. Great wife. Amazing mother. Fantastic personality. Blah Blah Blah...

Britnee--No clue. It's haaaaard.

THINGS TO PONDER:

Anyone else think Emily is our next Bachelorette??!

What happened to the ruby red slippers!?

Was every woman in America really thrilled when Chantal slapped Brad's face?! I'd have slapped another spot. Just sayin'.

BACHELOR FUN #1

Top 5 Signs You Might Get Dumped By Brad Womack:

1. He's got his therapist on speed dial.

2. There's a getaway car parked out back.

3. He keeps referring to his home as his Bachelor Pad.

4. He sweats profusely every time he sees a ring.

5. Every time he says he's a changed man, his nose gets a little bigger...

Jenn:)

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