Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Bachelor Pad Finale - 30 Things We Learned


1. Jackie and Ames are broken up. She's clueless as to why. Could it be the red pants?!

2. She couldn't get out of bed for a week after he broke up with her. He says they're two different people. Seems fishy....

3. Kasey's biggest goal coming in was to be there longer than MAVDORK Jake.

4. Vienna claims closure with Jake but no one's buying it.

5. Everyone in the house thinks Vienna was nasty to Jake during the filming.

6. Jake was one of America's favorite bachelors!? News to me...

7. We get to relieve the Jake hate from Vienna Motel 6 & Kasey Kermit in a lovely video montage.

8. Gia's got bangs!

9. Erica's still sporting her crystal disco stick! And she's apparently a judge of some sort...

10. Jake is still spinning the yarn about coming on Bachelor Pad to make things right with Vienna. That's his story and he's sticking to it!

11. Kasey apologizes to Mavdork for saying the stupid things he said. Then they have a bro-hug. Awe!

12. We get to relive Kasey as the ringleader making an ass of himself and Vienna numerous times in a lovely video montage.

13. Kasey admits to having a speech impediment. Which would explain why the boy needed subtitles to be understood during filming.

14. The game turned Kasey into something he wasn't. Or something like that...

15. That house is evil--it's broken Kasey!

16. Bottom line to Kasey, "She's Vienna!"

17. We get to relive a very smarmy Blake vs. Melissa vs. Holly video montage!

18. Blake reveals he brushes his teeth for...2 minutes! For reals!

19. We wax nostalgic about the semantics of "serendipitous" - Awe!

20. Blake speaks in military terms when talking about Melissa taking "classified files to the enemy" and "rallying the troops" against him. Okay...

21. Melissa: "Clearly I do not do well on reality TV!" Doh!

22. There's just something about Holly!

23. Everyone gets a bombshell with Holly and Blake's proposal!

24. Holly drops a bomb on Michael who requests a water or a commercial break. Whichever!

25. Graham is rockin' the Orville Redenbacher look...

26. Graham is not a huge fan of Blake!

27. Michael throws out a "love you Blake" when his vote goes to him and Holly!

28. Some of the girls and dudes think Michael should screw Holly out of her half by choosing KEEP and they wouldn't blame him for doing it!

29. Can Michael trust Holly? Michael notes that weddings are expensive last time he checked...

30. Michael and Holly both choose Share and split the $250,000.00. Totally anticlimactic...

How the votes went down:

Jake - H/M, Vienna - M/G, Kasey - M/G, Blake - H/M, Erica - H/M, Melissa - M/G, William - M/G, Jackie - H/M, Ames - H/M, Justin - H/M, Ella - H/M, Gia - H/M.

PS: Vienna got a nose job. Ella got a face transplant apparently. Good grief!


Bachelor Pad Episode 6 - Bob Bummer & Debbie Downer Kick Rocks!

Things We Learned From
Bachelor Pad - Episode 6 - Finale

When you have trouble choosing between your boy toy and your ex still in love with you, it shouldn't bee too big of a shocker that your ex is mad at you... (HOLLY)

Anyone who rises up out of a stage in fog must be a badass. Just sayin'. (HARRISONCREST)

Never let your fears lose a challenge for you! (VIENNA)

To win, you have to remove emotion from your game play. (HOLLY)

When your boyfriend is obsessed with guarding and protecting hearts, everything is going to be about hearts. Hearts this, hearts that. Blah Blah Blah. (VIENNA)

Try to act positive and strong so you don't freak your partner out! (GRAHAM)

When you find childbirth easier than climbing a wall, better get the heck off that wall! (ELLA)

Never trust a harness! (ELLA)

When you find love on the Bach/ette you too can be a future judge! (TRISTA/JASON/ALI)

Sometimes doing your best is all you can do. (ELLA)

Playing for 2nd is a really good sell! Or not... (VIENNA & KASEY)

Sometimes a muzzle for your boyfriend would be in order! (VIENNA)

Barefoot against a wall with a beer. Is this hitting Bachelor Pad rock bottom?! (KASEY)

It's not about money, Bachelor Pad is about friendship! (GRAHAM)

Too much alcohol & angry feelings=one hot mess. Lay off the sauce! (GRAHAM)

Selfishness and selflessness--it's hard to reconcile these two when $250,000.00 is on the line! (MICHAEL & HOLLY)

Payback's a bitch! (KASEY)


1. A spiffy trip to Vegas. Vegas baby!

2. Harrisoncrest's rising up out of the foggy Vegas stage.

3. KA--the challenge!

4. That Michael and Holly chose wisely in the end. Even if they didn't know it...

5. Michelle's nude high heels!


1. When the girls screamed when the spikes shot out of that huge levitating wall. Wusses!

2. The girls not conquering their fears! Bye bye $250,000.00!

3. Kasey vs. Vienna a.k.a. Bob Bummer and Debbie Downer and their constant bickering. Gag!

4. Graham acting the fool when drinking it up and spouting off like a 3 year old.

5. Vienna and Kasey's self-serving exit interview.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bachelor Pad Episode 5 - Bachelor Pad is a Mansion, NOT a Trailer Park!!!!

Things We've Learned From Bachelor Pad - Episode 5

Acting kind of bitchy is more of a female trait, no? (GRAHAM)

Smelling your finger is not an attractive quality. (KASEY)

Knowing someone a long time doesn't mean you know jack about them. (KASEY & VIENNA)

A prearranged code for winning a challenge does the trick in a pinch! (GRAHAM & MICHELLE)

Red hot pants and yellow heels? Don't try this at home girls! You too Ames! (MICHELLE)

When you brag about your IQ being 177 and you fail miserably in a quiz, people might think you like to make up crap! (KASEY)

When your partner would like to sleep with someone else, she's probably not that into you! (MICHAEL)

When your name rhymes with snake, you might just be a fake! (BLAKE)

It's sad when no one likes you. Whaa! (BLAKE)

Simmering sexual tension can explode. (ELLA)

"No means No." (VIENNA)

Bachelor Pad is a mansion, not a trailer park! (ERICA)

Being blinded by love can lead to poor game play. (MICHAEL)

Watching a movie in a hot tub is amazing! (GRAHAM)

Nothing says horny like a set of pink lingerie. Or something like that... (ERICA)

When you're stuck with what you've got, make the best of it! (BLAKE)

When you get three sheets to the wind, you do things you regret. (KIRKY)

When in a mission, explore with candles! (BLAKE & ERICA)

An astrologer named Herb is kind of like an Herbalist named Astro... (ERICA)

A romantic connection can strengthen your partnership. Or not... (ERICA & BLAKE)

Sometimes too much bonding is not in your best interest... (BLAKE)

When he's a man and she's persistent, what do you expect? (HOLLY)

Sometimes you should follow your intuition. (ERICA)

If you're having trouble seducing a man, he's probably not that into you! (ERICA)

Getting a rose is OK, but getting a freakin' rose is exciting! (KASEY)

Kissing another guy in front of your ex who is still in love with you is in poor taste! (HOLLY)

Don't violate Man Code! (BLAKE)

It's not about who deserves the money it's about who has earned the right to the money. (MICHELLE)

When she doesn't have your back, why should you have hers? (MICHAEL)


1. When Kasey and Vienna failed miserably at the NEARLY-wed game and she ripped him for his supposed 177 IQ. Ha. Ha.

2. Michael saying he wanted to punch Blake in his perfect little dentist teeth. Tee hee!

3. Seeing a movie in a hot tub--fun!

4. Exploring the mission by candlelight was spooky.

5. Blake's exit. Wouldn't it have been funny if Melissa had been waiting in his exit limo! Bwahahahaha!


1. Vienna's constant whining.

2. Kasey and Vienna's fight over sex. Grow up!

3. Blake's perfect little dentist teeth/smirk looks.

4. Erica's petty pouty attitude when Blake wouldn't let her seduce him.

5. Vienna's rose victory rap. Uggh!


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bachelor Pad Episode 4 - Kick Rocks Dude

Things We Learned From Bachelor Pad - Episode 4:

Lavender and gray are very becoming paired together. (HARRISONCREST)

If kick rocks dude is the only brilliant thing you can muster every other word, you need to meet me at the flag pole after school so I can wipe the playground with your juvenile ass! (KASEY)


Bachelor Pad is a great place to apologize to your ex and fake-redeem yourself. (JAKE)

A kissing contest gives you a free pass to lock lips with someone you find attractive. (BLAKE)

Kissing like grandma won't get you $250,000.00! (ALL THOSE DORKS)

Just because he's kissing you in a kissing contest doesn't mean he has feelings for you, you crazy fool! (MELISSA)

It's easy to tell who your boyfriend is in a kissing contest when he has bad breath! (VIENNA)

Kissing is all about a little bit of pressure and then you pull back. And then a little bit of sucking on the lips and then you pull back. And then a little bit of tongue but not too much and they don't ever want it to end. (ELLA)

When you have giant lips, don't be afraid to use them! (ERICA)

Bad breath is no way to win a kissing competition! (KASEY)

If you kiss a person too long you might just suck their face off! (HOLLY)

It's not the end of the world to be going on a date with the best kisser in the house! (KIRKY)

If you could go back and do the kissing contest over, be the biggest manwhore anyone has ever seen! (WillIAm)

Labeling women as raging weather or volcanic activity is a bit condescending isn't it!? (BLAKE)

A massage can relax a dude but it won't necessarily get you $250,000.00... (ERICA)

A hot air balloon is a cramped place to find romance! (ELLA & KIRKY)

It must be fun to watch yourself act like a raving lunatic week after week on a cheesy reality show. (MELISSA)

It must be fun to watch yourself act like a smarmy arrogant ass week after week on a cheesy reality show. (BLAKE)

If he won't even take you on a date with him, he's just not that into you! (MELISSA)

If a girl does her hair and her nails for you, she's probably planning your wedding! (MELISSA)

Does stirring your yogurt to death accomplish anything? It can help everyone else lose their appetite though... (MELISSA)

An electric toothbrush can save you from having to talk to a crazy woman! (BLAKE)

40 seconds is a long time to wait to verbally bitch slap someone! (MELISSA)

If looks could kill, people would be shot y'all! (ELLA)

A fireplace can be a great spot to brood in front of. Very dramatic for the cameras too... (MICHAEL)

If you're torn with wanting to be with a guy or not be with him at all, you probably aren't that into him! (HOLLY)

When someone drains the life out of you, it's best to get the heck away from them! (GRAHAM)

When you think a girl's going to cut your nuts off, it's probably a good idea to lie to her! (KASEY)


1. Erica Rose's sneaky massage/manipulation techniques.

2. Hot air balloon rides--something different!

3. Michelle setting an example for her daughter.

4. Erica's hair in a messy side-bun, looked nice on her.

5. Holly's hair accessories.


1. The Kasey vs. Jake Cliffhanger. Like we didn't know Mavdork was leaving! And with a robotic cheesy smile on his face. Classic!

2. "Kick Rocks Dude" - Sooo lame...

3. Holly not taking the high road between Michael and Blake.

4. Hurricane Melissa/Mount Saint Helens Melissa. Do not go on this show ever again!

5. Blake's manipulation of Melissa.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bachelor Pad Episode 3 - Who Doesn't Like Synchronized Swimming?

Things We Learned from Bachelor Pad - Week 3

Having a partner that is slightly crazy can get you in trouble! (BLAKE)

It makes no sense to create an enemy out of a loose cannon. (BLAKE)

When your partner goes apes%$#, it can put a huge target on your back... (BLAKE)

Who doesn't love synchronized swimming!? (HARRISONCREST)

You can let a guy know you're in his corner by rubbing your foot all over him. Or something like that... (ERICA)

Smiling at your ex-boyfriend can piss off your new boyfriend. (VIENNA)

A winery is a great place to clear the air! (BLAKE)

Finding common ground is like soooo amazing! (MICHELLE)

No one likes a Debbie Downer! (VIENNA)

To keep a woman level headed you gotta give her what she wants! (GIGOLO BLAKE)

Don't go down without a fight! (JAKE)

Lip injections every six months can enhance your kissing abilities. Hmmm.... (ERICA)

Being serenaded with Every Rose Has Its Thorn can make a couple stronger. Or not... (HOLLY & MICHAEL)

Being ungrateful about a gift can really be a buzz kill! (VIENNA)

Serenading a girl can be romantic. It can also be incredibly awkward and cheesy! (KASEY)

Playing Nancy Drew can backfire on you really quick! (ERICA)

A tiara and a crystal wand can make you look like a princess. Or totally delusional! (ERICA)

In a pinch, undergarments make a great hankie! (MELISSA)

Everybody's been in love and everybody's gotten a broken heart. (JAKE)

A girl needs a guy who's older and more mature and not a boy! (ERICA)

Banging your crystal disco stick doesn't necessarily make your wishes come true! (ERICA)

Who can you really trust?! (HARRISONCREST)

Letting trailer park trash and a tattooed guy run your life is like sooo pathetic! (ERICA)


1. Synchronized swimming flowered bikinis and swim hats. So vintage and cute!

2. Brett Michaels singing Every Rose Has It's Thorn.

3. Michelle and Graham - cute together!

4. Erica's crystal scepter. Cheesy yes, but entertaining nonetheless!

5. Erica playing Nancy Drew and her over-the-top sneaking and spying around. Priceless!


1. Erica and Jake making out. Blech!

2. Vienna's constant whining and complaining. Debbie Downer much!?

3. Vienna and Kasey's constant fighting. Please pack your bags and kick rocks!

4. No one having the balls to break up the power couples. Yes I'm talking about you Kirky!

5. Melissa's constant drama. Enough already!


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bacehlor Pad Episode 2 - There's a Front Door & A Back Door Bitch!

Things We Learned From Bachelor Pad - Week 2:

If you've got the hottest girl in the house then you can't possibly be unattractive. Right!? (KASEY)

If you only read the tabloids then you'll never learn the real truth. Or something like that... (JAKE)

Knowing people are not attracted to you is sooo hurtful. (GIA)

When people throw a lot of eggs at you, you're probably not their favorite person. (JAKE)

If you're T-Shirt proclaims you to be the Mayor, does that really make it so? (MICHAEL)

A jenius before his time. Or is it...genius? Apparently only a Jenius would know! (KASEY)

Never underestimate the power of a bromance! (KASEY & MICHAEL)

Going on a date with a guy and his ex-fiance is a little awkward... (MICHELLE)

When exploring spooky places you gotta buck up bitches! (MICHAEL)

You can make a ghost hunt even more exciting by holding a seance! Because there's nothing the spirit world wants to do more than talk to contestants on the Bachelor Pad! Totally! (MICHAEL AND ERICA)

Tinfoil earrings can be fun and exciting. Can't they!? (MICHELLE)

When in danger, you should ask your nemesis for help. ??!? (JAKE)

The best thing to do to your nemesis is be a gentleman and let her sink herself. (JAKE)

When you tell everyone the same thing, it devalues your credibility. (BLAKE)

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss. (BLAKE)

Kissing a woman can pacify her. (BLAKE)

Sometimes you have to whore yourself out to keep a girl happy. Or something like that... (BLAKE)

It's pretty easy to kiss a girl when you've had a few drinks! (BLAKE)

Is he making out with you because he's into you, or is he just into the $250,000.00? Hmmm... (MELISSA)

The most underused strategy in Bachelor Pad? Breaking up the power couples. (GIA)

Whenever you tell someone not to tell anyone else what you just talked about, they're going to tell everyone else what you just talked about. Sucker! (GIA)

You can impress a dentist by confessing that you...floss! (HOLLY)

When you don't think you can trust someone, listen to your gut! (MELISSA)

Annoyance is an emotion! (BLAKE)

The phrase "kick rocks dude" is understated. For sure! (KASEY)

If you're not part of a couple, then you're out! (ELLA)

Whenever you're unhappy, Harrisoncrest will always be there for you. He's got a good cab company on speed dial! (HARRISONCREST)

Never trust anyone on Bachelor Pad (KASEY)

If you don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of voting you out, then walk out on your own. (GIA)

Bachelor Pad can make you or break you. (AMES)

Flirting with another girl in front of your face is hurtful! Hurtful! (MELISSA)

Nothing says romance like a knight in shining red pants! (AMES)


1. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark Date - I love spooky stuff and mysteries and this was right up my alley. Not the most romantic of course, but do we really expect a lot of romance on this show or is it more like showmance!?

2. Gia's yellow legal pad strategy. Not that anyone paid attention to it though...

3. Fake Pavelka getting called out.

4. Harrisoncrest tells Vienna that the front and back door work just fine and she can kick rocks anytime ;-)

5. Ames running off into the night with Jackie. A little cheesy but kinda romantic too!


1. Mean contests - Throwing eggs at the least attractive person or the one you want to go home seems so grade-school. Takes you back to the days of gym when you feared getting picked last.

2. Vienna being afraid to talk to Jake unless Kasey's around. Woman up lady!

3. Smarmy Blake Fake Romancing Melissa - What goes around comes around dude!

4. Kasey Making His Tattoo Heart Beat - Beyond lame and cheesy. Please don't ever do that again! Gag!

5. Drama with a capital MELISSA.