Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Men Tell All (Or Nothing At All...)

And once again it's the Men Tall All...OR Nothing at All! They didn't give us a clue about what happens next week, but we've all kind been spoiled to the ending anyhow ;) We'll see...

25 seemingly normal guys, a gorgeous bachelorette, and everybody tends to lose their mind!

Back joining us were only 14 of the 25! Inked Jesse, Do I Have To Wear This Girlie Apron Hunter, Mountain Man Kyle, Who? Tyler V., DJ Crazy Craig R., I Know I Look Really Angry All The Time But I'm Not John C., Shooter Derrick, Um..Who? Jason, Corker Steve, Mute Chris N., Kirky, Weatherman Jonathan, KA-RAZY Kasey, and Sideburns Ty. What, no McDangerous Craig M.?!

30 WICKED FUN FACTS ABOUT
THE MEN TELL ALL...
OR NOTHING AT ALL
:


1. How many times did Kasey say "guard and protect her heart" according to Ali? Maybe a couple hundred or four or somethin'??! HA. HA. HA!

2. Never seen moment: Roberto nearly decapitates Ali with a champagne cork and what does she immediately do? HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA!!!!!!!!!!! HA! Enough already!

3. Ali was apparently so TANKED she didn't remember putting on an astronaut helmet on her date with KA-RAZY Kasey!

4. Nicknamed "The Phantom" by the dudes was MUTE Chris N. shown here disappearing into the mist like a Scooby Doo villain...

5. Shooter Derrick gives us his signature shooter gun with his hand when he's announced. OK, we get it! Dude, you're milking that premature thing just a bit too much. Gag!

6. Weatherman thought Ali was mystical. AMAZING!

7. It's The Phantom vs. that %$#@^ Rated R! 2pm after school at that flag pole! Be there!

8. HOLY CRAP! Chris N. spoke like some words or something!

9. Craig M.'s hard and fast rule the first night? Not to talk crap about any of the other dudes. How long did it last? About 5 seconds! Holla!

10. Tyler V. to Weatherman in his Members Only Jacket, "Dude, you bitched out!"

11. Kasey did lots of Bachette homework before coming on the show! Ty's dog ate his homework ;)

12. Justin? He's bi-polar according to psycho-iatrist John C.

13. Weatherman spent most of the show chewing and snacking on his own lips. Gag!

14. John C. must have plucked his eyebrows again in that "angry guy" style ;)

15. Maybe Kasey scared Ali just a little bit. Right...

16. Kasey? Still KA-RAZY!

17. Guard. Protect. Heart. Gag!

18. Ali broke Kirky's heart. Awe.

19. Kirky milks his time in the hot seat for all it's worth. Meet broken-hearted Kirky ready to find love and give love, your next Bachelor!

20. Craiger calls Rated Really Lame out on his evilness.

21. Craiger is the unofficial spokesmen of the dudes. And for a buck, he's their lawyer and confidant too! ;)

22. Craig, to sum up Rated REALLY Lame, "This was just an A$$hole being an A$$hole." Okay!

23. Oh boy, it's that snitch Jessie Sulidis!

24. Craiger HA. HA. HA!s that Rated Really Lame doesn't own a car!

25. Craiger would love to meet Rated Really Lame in the olive oil ring.

26. Ali thought it was going to be rainbows and butterflies. Instead it was dorks, a-holes, and getting lit 24-7!

27. Kasey serenades Ali another Kasey Song: "You left me on a glacier and you chose that DumbA$$ Rated R..."

28. Weatherman likes to wipe his tears with TP!

29. During the filming of this show, some JackA$$ gave Harrisoncrest a plastic champagne glass to ting with his knife banging skills. Classic!

30. What to do in Turkey? Make Craiger Pee his pants!


Ah good times! Until next week...

Jenn:)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Franky Doodle Dandy Tanks & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

The glasses are off! Frank is tanking big time this episode. Nicole vs. Ali. He completes her like Jerry Maguire in a pair of fancy jeans and dork glasses. Okay! Roberto gets the hottie dress, Chris L. gets long bilious pants. Hmmm... Oh, and no one make you inferior without your consent! Next week, the men tell all--or nothing at all! My bet is on the latter ;)

THE YELLOW LIST

1 yellow shirt on the OTHER woman
1 yellow bikini top
1 yellow hair flower
1 yellow ring
1 yellow Franky shirt

THE ANNOYING LIST:

HA. HA. HA! OK we get it, love's funny. Or something like that...

A sniffling Frank. Man up!

WICKED FUN FACTS:

When thinking of Ali, Chris L. likes to hang around the rooftop. Uh oh!

Roberto likes to reflect while playing with an old grubby baseball.

When Frank's nervous, his hands become permanently glued inside his jean pockets.

Nicole and Ali share a love for yellow things. Awe!

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"I came here to fall in love with Ali and I did. BUT, there's something holding me back..." -Franky

"I have been an emotional wreck." -Franky

"I don't know man. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm not good at this stuff..." -Roberto Suave

"It was a friggin' heart!" -Ali

RED FLAG ALERT: "I never ever ever ever ever thought I'd go back to Massachusetts." -Ali

WHAT NOT/TO WEAR:

Long bilious white pants for water wading? NOT so much...

LE TAHA'A
TAHITI PART 1

Roberto and Ali

Memorable Moments:

An island shaped like one of Roberto's t-shirt sweat stains! Sexy!

What's with all the sweating?!

That place is ridiculous!

A yellow bikini top and a hot pink fuchsia pair of bottoms. It's like someone slapped a lemon Starburst on top of a cherry one. Damn that reminds me, I'm out of Starbursts!

Suave is totally confused by the card from Chris Harrisoncrest!

"Ali and Roberto. Harrisoncrest here. Welcome to one of the most beautiful Tahitian islands, Le Taha'a. I hope you're enjoying your stay but DAMN IT'S HUMID! Suave, here's a few more sweat rags to get you through the rest of your date especially if you head to the fantasy suite. Might come in handy if you get my drift...Be sure to bill the room service to Fleiss--he's the Big Kahuna! Ciao!"

LE TAHA'A
TAHITI PART 2

Chris L. and Ali

Memorable Moments:

The biggest most like luxurious catamaran in Tahiti!

Like, like,like, like LIKE!

She loves it when he giggles. Her HA. HA. HA!s are the bomb! It's a match made in HA. HA. HA! Gag!

Oh boy, gratuitous underwater shots!

When he's with Ali, Chris is like 12!

OMG! Oyster Shrieking! Make it stop!!!

Pearls in oysters. Amazing!

Fruity island drinks--yum!

Chris L. checks to see if Chris Harrisoncrest is lurking in the bushes. Laughs!

"Is he going to jump up in scuba gear and like scare me?!" -Chris L.

"Ali and Chris. It's Chris Harrison. No, I'm not hiding in the bushes, I'm up in that coconut palm over there behind the cameraman. Anyhooo, welcome to one of Tahiti's most romantic islands, Le Taha'a. I hope you enjoyed those pearls we planted in those shells for you to find. Ah romance! Grab Ali and run along to the fantasy suite and you kids play nice! We've got to keep her in tip top shape so Franky can dump her on camera tomorrow for an AMAZING ratings bonanza. Ooops, I've said TOO MUCH, mums the word. Peace out!"

"I think we're going to Fantasy Suite 54." -Chris L.

LE TAHA'A
TAHITI PART 3

Franky, Harrisoncrest and Ali

Memorable Moments:

A quick trip to Tahiti to break up with a girl requires at least 7 suitcases! Way to pack Franky :)

Want to break up with a girl? Chris Harrisoncrest is your go-to guy! He's like the love cleaner! For reals!

Lesson learned: Even Amazing experiences can't make you fall in love with Ali! Whaa!

Their relationship? Up and down, backwards and forwards, lame and about to get even lamer!

By the way, there's this girl Nicole...

She chucked that hair flower and tossed those flip flops but stopped short of ripping out those hair extensions! Take that Franky!!!

Franky in one word? Selfish!

Tip for the ladies: Waterproof mascara! Works like a charm!

Guys leaving Ali? Story of her life!

Frank and his tiny boat are outta there!

3 DOWN TO 2:

Casual Chris L. and Roberto Sweaty

SOME LOVELY PARTING THOUGHTS:

Frank: I hope she can forgive me someday...

THINGS TO PONDER:

Really, Harrisoncrest was blown away by Frank's 180? Hmmm...

Anyone else think that Frank was really her final 1 and so that's why she may or may not have a hard time picking someone in the end?

WICKED BACHELORETTE FUN
#9 - VOTE - WHO DOES ALI PICK?

Vote in the poll, top right to show who of the final 2 you think Ali will pick--or will she pick no one?!

Jenn:)

Friday, July 16, 2010

That's Not A Freezer Pop & Other Things To Ponder...

Ali's packing silver sparkly high heels for the hometown dates!? Wow, this should prove interesting! 4 Hometowns. Lots of HA. HA. HA!s Gag! 4 AMAZING families and some dead animals too. And then there's Jetty the lab--AMAZING that one! It all goes downhill next week so enjoy it while you can ;)

THE YELLOW LIST

4 yellow live strong wristbands
Some yellow strips on a plaid shirt
1 yellow checkered shirt
Lots of yellow lemons
1 yellow trench coat

THE ANNOYING LIST:

Ok, what's with all the run and jump into each other's arms from this show. It's become so cliche!

Gag on the HA. HA. HA!s

WICKED FUN FACTS:

Ali thinks the sexiest uniform a guy can put on is a baseball uniform. Huh?!

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"Love is the only reality." -Pops

"I love animals. But I love them when they're ALIVE." -Ali

WHAT NOT/TO WEAR:

XNAY on the CLEAVAGE WIFEY-BEATER SHIRTSAY. BIG NAY!

TAMPA, FL

Roberto and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Baseball?? Boy that came outta left field. Not!

A shirt with his number on it. Awe. Gag!

Stomping on home plate.

Lots of HA. HA. HA!s. Make it stop!!!

A lovely gift - his baseball card. Okay...

WOW, that's a lotta trophies!

Roberto's pop really sells his son - tremendous human being but basically he comes first career wise.

It was a salsa dance off! Woooo!

CAPE COD, MA

Chris L. and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Awe, lookee, there's a doggie!

Jetty the doggie was AMAZING!

"Right now, there's whales having sex out there!" -Chris L.'s icebreaker

Sitting on the porch, talking about their day. Awesome!

"You stole my roommate Ali" -Pops

That wine from Portugal. More Awesomeness!

It's a Dennis bracelet fest all around.

What's with the tower?

GREEN BAY, WI

Kirk and Ali

Memorable Moments:

"Holy Cow! We're in Green Bay, Wisconsin!" -Kirky

Ali calls Kirk "Kirky!"

Another Holy Cow!

I love how Kirky just hands over this kid to Ali to hug and hold ;)

His Dad is a guy of few words. And these were the words we heard: "So Ali, Would You like to go see my BASEMENT..." --Taxidermy Pete

Creepy stuffed animals. Everywhere!

Want a freezer pop? Oh no not that, that's a dead animal. The pops are to the left. Okey Dokey!

Run Ali Run! Look Out--It's behind You!

Oh boy, let's bring up the scrapbook again which turns Kirky beet red! :)

CHICAGO, IL

Frank and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Tugboat horns are Awesome!

Concerns and sighs, oh my!

Frank's a bit neurotic to say the least...

Lots of HA. HA. HAs! Make them stop!!!

4 DOWN TO 3:

Roberto Suave, The Dennis Chris L., Franky

SOME LOVELY PARTING THOUGHTS:

Kirky - I really really really really really really really really did NOT see this coming...This sucks! Really!?

THINGS TO PONDER:

So, pretty much looked like Franky had it in the bag until he blows it next week, eh?!

WICKED BACHELORETTE FUN
#8 - Whose Clothing Did Aliens
Come Down and Switch In the Night?!

Jenn:)

Friday, July 9, 2010

BE QUIET & STOP UNDERMINING ME BABE! Jake vs. Vienna

This Bachelor/ette break-up brought to you by
Chris Harrisoncrest and by
WD-40, the breakfast of Mavdork Robots!


MAVDORK vs. VIENNA MOTEL 6

Showdown at the flagpole after school at 2pm. Be There!

Countless rumors. Hateful Tabloid Stories. Vicious Accusations. And we needed Chris Harrisoncrest to break it down for us...Best quote of the night, "Okay we don't really care about the dog..." Don't forget to see the emotions of Jake Pavelka down below--classic!

From love in St. Lucia to Haters on a
Wicker Loveseat. Oh the drama!


MAVDORK JAKE'S SIDE:

My internal robotron computer is still processing. One moment please...

I go away for a couple of days and now I'm on the cover of 5 magazines. What the hell happened!?

I'm in a really confused emotional state. My programmer didn't program me for this.

I can't fathom her doing this to me. They told me she would be perfect. This is not perfect!!!

I don't have anything to fear, I didn't do anything wrong...I'm not programmed to fear. What is this emotion you speak of?!?

I'm so mad at you. I'm so disgusted with you. You sold me out!!!

You were hooking up at a charity event where no witnesses saw a thing. And there was a GAY SINGLE guy at our apartment. Cheater cheater pumpkin eater!

Why are you raising your voice? I cannot control this with my sensors.

She's like a tabloid. You're getting about 40% of the truth. I have an internal firewall program that weeds out the half-truths.

She breaks me down. She undermines me. She's mean. She's always right. I never do anything right. I must be in CONTROL at all times. Mavdork WILL NOT be undermined!

VIENNA'S SIDE:

Things changed a month after we started dating. At home it was lonely. There was emotional abuse involving GPS devices and furniture placement.

He's got a little bit of a temper.

He was emotionally and physically not there with me.

I have to ask to be kissed!!!

You are a fame whore!

My impression was that you were a pilot.

You're a liar!

You're the biggest FAKE LIAR I've ever met in my ENTIRE life! Does the fake cancel out the liar part? Just sayin'.

Can we get a Polly-a-graph test?! Tee hee!

The only woman for Jake? One with no self-respect that wants a man to control her.

He chucked the GPS like THIS!

8 THINGS MAVDORK WILL NOT TOLERATE - OR THE ANTI-VIAGRA:

Emmasculation.

Interrupting!

Undermining.

GPS Devices!

Interrupting!

Disrespect.

Measuring Tapes!

Interrupting!

He needs a perfect person who sits there
and doesn't say anything.


3 WAYS THAT VIENNA UNDERMINED HIM:

1. She looked up directions on a GPS.

2. She questioned his bedroom furniture coordinates.

3. She interrupts him. Like 200 times during the interview!

"PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!"

Again, I got interrupted...

Ladies your MAVDORK-C3PO is on the market! Start forming a line right down the block--just don't ask to use Jake's GPS!

3 FUN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT MADVORK:

1. He likes Eau de WD40 for all his nuts, bolts, and screws.

2. His inspector gadget shoes can ratchet himself up a few inches on a moment's notice.

3. He's been programed with 3 girlie cliches, "Babe," "Chick," and "Dollface." Take your pick ladies!

THE EMOTIONS OF JAKE PAVELKA

Jakey Boy once played a young Chuck Norris in that classic slapstick show Walker Texas Robotic Ranger and as an ode to the Emotions of Chuck Norris (see below), let's have a little fun with the emotions of Jake Pavelka:

Can't beat the original...

Jenn:)