Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Volcanoes. Glaciers. And Matching Sweaters! & Other Things To Ponder

Fun times! I'm not sure which was fruitier, the Starbursts I was eating or some of these date scenarios! 1 hour to write a love poem to Ali AND slide in an Icelandic word. Doh! Chris Harrisoncrest has to apologize to the Icelandic people for the dudes' butchering of the Icelandic language. Oh, and it' s a plaid fashion tear down! Next week--Cheers to Turkey! HA. HA. HA!

THE YELLOW LIST

Where the hell was all the yellow!??
Oh yeah, 2 yellow wrist bands.

THE ANNOYING LIST:

Location shots of Ali walking around looking pensive, pondering about her situation are getting old...

The guys ask Icelanders about Icelandic words and then spend like 10 minutes trying to pronounce them very badly so they can spell them. How about just having the Icelandic person write it down for you, you big dorks?!?!?

Seriously, what's up with all the let me sneak up on you moments from 1-on-1 dates the past few seasons? Someone's gonna heave a heart attack one of these days when Kasey won't be there to guard and protect it!

All the darn squealing! Champagne corks blow. AAAAA! Giving ducks food. AAAAAA! Enough already! Make it stop!!!

Please! No more HA. HA. HA!

Rated Really Lame constantly refers to himself as Justin and also his alter ego Rated R. Everything happens in twos. Gag!

That Chris L.'s lower lip always looks moist. Hmmm...

WHAT NOT/TO WEAR:

Furry hats with furry ear flaps -YES in Iceland!

Kirky likes his sweater so much he wears it to the rose ceremony! NOT SURE...

Chris L's perfection of the Dishevleed Rose Ceremony Look - NOT!

WICKED FUN FACTS:

Ast is the noun for love in Icelandic.

Traveling from CA to NYC to Iceland gives Ty chills. That it's -50 below zero has nothing to do with it. Totally!

Icelanders don't like squirrely guys on crutches.

Ty thinks Ali could pretty much rock anything she wears...

CA-Razy Kasey is excited for Ali to hear his words and his heart and then group them together. Or something like that...

Kasey's a mumbler. Subtitles should follow his ass around 24-7!

Chris N. is terrible at memorizing! And rhyming!

When he's not hanging around in his parent's basement, Frank wrestles under the name Frank the Tank!

Ty doesn't like to count his chickens toooo soon.

Ty was born on a horse. Or something like that...

Craig R. is an expert at group dates. HA. HA. HA!

Chris N. is sooo intriguing to Ali. Because he's sooo funny! And he loves Mexican food. Okay...

Franky and Kirky are total body language experts!

Chris L. will collect garbage in San Francisco if Ali's the right one for him. Awe.

In his spare time, Chris Harrisoncrest doubles as an arm chair psychologist!

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"I've written a number of love poems in my day." -Franky

"I love writing love poems. I'm actually pretty good at it." -Franky

"I've got my heart on my sleeve. I've got my shield ready to go. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm a man." -CA-RAZY KASEY

"HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"If I'm not here for love then I don't know what I'm here for." -CA-RAZY Kasey

"I got this tattoo to be someone and to be a man for Ali. To be a man for that woman!" -CA-RAZY Kasey

"When are you going to show her that tattoo? You don't want to keep it from her." -Franky the Tanky stirring up trouble!

"HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"I'm trying to be the man of her dreams." -CA-RAZY Kasey

"I'm Kasey Kahl. I'm a dreamer. I'm a believer. I love to love. I love to give. I love to share." -CA-RAZY Kasey

"I've never gotten clothes off so quick in my life!" -Roberto Suave

"Cheers to heating it up in Iceland! HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"This sucks!" -Ali

"HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"I'm one step closer to finding my guy." -Ali

"You're too hot for me. HA. HA. HA!" -Ali to Roberto Suave

"I don't think I'm thaaat Hot!" -Roberto Suave

"Iceland is insane!" -Ali

"I'm afraid I'm going to keep someone around that's just going to break my heart in the end." -Ali

"It's been quite a week. Volcanoes. Glaciers. Matching Sweaters." -Chris Harrisoncrest

"It's not the size of the horse. It's how you use it." -Craig R.

"HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

SOME POEM SNIPPETS FROM THE DUDES:

I've been working on my Icelandic
At the end of this journey I want nothing more than to be your man
I made up that Icelandic
You'll have to try to take me seriously in this hat - I'm glad to have it!
I don't think my life will be much fun
Eatin flagin euten flaggin ???
I want to take you to meet the fam
I'll even make you some eggs and ham
Ali I believe we need to go out
Heat up Iceland and head out
This is just pretty much me
I forgot the rest of my lines...
I'm sorry that's the end of this because I can't make a rhyme with that...

KIRKY'S QUIRKY POEM:

Ali,
Los Angeles is where our journey had begun
And where I first noticed your adorable freckles in the CA sun
Next off to NY and for the first time
I found myself falling into your rich root beer eyes
this journey now has led us both somewhere cold
but it's here in Iceland I'm hoping
fer flaggin flugen
Or in English, our love will unfold...

FRANKY'S LOVE DITTY:


Some time ago I traveled overseas
with a girl that I love she made me weak in the knees
my heart has since broken
my faith in love torn
but then I looked in your eyes
a new hope was born
Again I'll follow my heart
because I trust it with you
you're honest, you're genuine, you're sweet and you're kinda cute too
As they say here in Iceland
nyetsky barin nyetsky densch
And I wish I knew what that meant
or if it even made sense...

CA-RAZY KASEY'S MASH UP:

Loosely translated from mumble speak to English:

A mind and body are in a box
a mind and box of warm thoughts
a body as cold as ice
but the belief of what's to come
transcends the doubt and a box ???
I'm falling for you Ali
and I just want you to know
I'll guard and protect your heart
and I promise you Ali
You'll always have mine chest.

"My poem's awesome. She smiled. She loved it." Not!

LET'S GO BUY MATCHING SWEATERS!

Kirk and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Kirk sneaks up on Ali and grabs her in the side freaking her out!

1st stop--learn how to dress like a local! And matching sweaters. Gag!

Kirky: " Do you really think this looks good?"

Matching Sweaters? Kirky: "I felt like a little bit of a cheeseball."

Feeding birds scares Ali.

Mold poisoning?! That's the secret!

Kirk inspires Ali. Awe.

COME SEE ME FREEZE IN A BIKINI!

Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig R., Ty, and Frank the Tank

Memorable Moments:

"My saddle's fallin' off dude!" -Chris L.

Chris L. gave Ali his gloves. Now he's got frostbite. Awe.

Welcome to Caves R. Us

Horseback riding. Spelunking. Sunset. A total dream date!

The Blue Lagoon. Cold air. Hot water. Ali in a bikini. And Roberto's mouth hanging open. So cliche!

Craig R. started stripping down right away and almost didn't put his bathing suit on. And we thanked God he did!

Frank turns into an emotional disaster. Shocker!

Ali, Frank, and their white robes have a chit chat.

Oh My Goodness! It's like the beauty and the beast rose!

Holy Crap! Where did Chris N. come from?? Has he been on this date the whole time?!?

LET'S EXPLORE THE LAND OF FIRE AND ICE

Kasey, Justin, and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Justin's Bag of Tricks:

Step 1: Get the cast off.

Step 2: Bye Bye Kasey!

One small step for Justin, 1 giant leap for Rated mR. Whatever!

"If Kasey's going to get a rose today, he's going to have to earn it!" -Rated mR

The wrestler would probably break his other leg for a rose." -Kasey and his Burberry Scarf

That volcano erupting? Crazy! Absurd! WOW!

Ali is Justin's championship belt.

Ice furniture--AMAZING!

Kasey has the BIGGEST heart in the world and now he's wearing it on his sleeve.

Kasey hacks up a lung on some hot cocoa! Outstanding!

The only thing Kasey has to do today is be...normal!

"I got a tattoo!" WHAT?? WHEN?? Your mom's going to kill you!

"Thank you Kasey for being you." - Ali

"Yes I do want to spend my whole life with you Kasey." Or not!

Being left on a glacier. Priceless!

There were actually two roses given. 1 to Jusin. 1 to Rated R. Seriously!?

CRAIG R'S COMEDY CLUB:

I got a little something for you...

HA. HA. HA!

9 DOWN TO 7:

Quirky Kirky, Horsey Ty, Rated Ridiculous Justin, Fancy Franky, Disheveled Chris L., Roberto Suave, DJ Crazy Craig R.

SOME LOVELY PARTING SHOTS:

Kasey: That sucked. I want to find someone who's going to be there for me. I just don't know where I kinda went wrong...

Chris N.: He's at a LOSS for words. Seriously?? You bet your silent Ass you are!

THINGS TO PONDER:

Red Flag Alert: Ali wonders if "he" will love her back. This doesn't bode well, does it?

Do you think Frank had her at "you're kinda cute too"?? Nah, didn't think so...

Red Flag Alert: Ali wonders if Roberto Suave would date her in real life--he may just be toooo hot for her!" Hmmm....

Has anyone seen Kasey since the Glacier date? Or did he take up guarding and protecting that glacier's heart?

WICKED BACHELORETTE
FUN #5

Kirk & Ali Model
Icelandic Sweaters!


The Minnie Pearl!

The Short & Sexy!

Screw Yellow! Go Green!

Come to Grandma Kirky!

Jenn:)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Can We Get A Few More Guitar Players In Here & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

If I ever hear the words Guard & Protect & Heart anywhere in the same sentence, I'm going to vomit. In a bag. And send it to Kasey so he can guard and protect it. NOT! Between CA-RAZY Kasey, neurotic Weatherman and Roberto Suave in a loin cloth, as usual it was a yellow submarine sandwich! Can't wait for Iceland and exploding volcanos...

THE YELLOW LIST

1 yellow wool hat
1 yellow cardigan
4 yellow cabs
1 yellow t-shirt
1 yellow tank top
2 yellow wristbands
1 yellow Broadway star with "Ali" on it
1 yellow tattoo sign

THE ANNOYING LIST:

Frank's nose picking gag. Gag!

Seeing Weatherman practically "French" kiss a dirty airport sign. Blechh...

Hearing this is crazy and/or insane over and over again! MAKE IT STOP!

WICKED FUN FACTS:

Ali's idea of comfortable? Sneakers, jeans, and a loose tee.

Ali's always dreamt of being in the July issue of In Style magazine. Who knew?

Chris L. isn't into Unicorn Love.

According to Kasey, Ali was cocooned from love and now she's expanded into this beautiful butterfly. Or something like that...

Kasey lives in a fairytale. Maybe Tenley and her little birds and animal friends can visit him!

Ty can count to at least 7!

Kasey's fun side? Tattoos!

Frank's got a little crazy leg going on!

Jesse's the newest member of the New Kids on the Peculiar, MO Block.

Ali's favorite singer? Joshua Radin. Seriously?

Weatherman? He's a singer/song writer. Definitely did NOT see that one coming...

A tattoo means you're genuine and sincere. Totally!

Ali's favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids. Pucker Pucker.

No matter what happens, Kasey will guard and protect Ali's heart FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE! Run Ali. Run!

WHAT NOT/TO WEAR:

Where's your shirt Weatherman!?

No Kirky, don't do it, don't copy Weatherman!

Pretty Fly for a White Guy - Not! Lose the Crooked Hat DJ Crazy Craig!

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"Everyone is sooo fashionable here!" -Ali

"Let's get me in style." -Ali

"35th floor? We're living the life!" -Weatherman

"I'm jealous. As usual." -Weatherman

"I think Kasey closes his eyes and thinks of Ali and thinks of like doves flying out behind her, cupid hitting her with an arrow, you know like hearts floating around her head, them in a meadow magically running toward each other with unicorns. I don't see her as that kind of romanticized love. Not like unicorn love." -Chris L.

"I get that he's being a little cheeeesy and he's singing." -Ali on Kasey

"OMG I love dinosaurs! HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"This is insane!" -Kasey

"Wrestler go home! You're not going to get a date--ever!" -Frank

"I'm having trouble believing that anything Kasey says is real because it all just seems like lines to me." -Ali

"I think the forecast looks good today." -Weatherman

"He's Rico Suave man, he's got it down." -Kirky on Roberto Suave

"Roberto and I are Broadway stars. Watch out New York! HA. HA. HA!" -Ali

"Call me crazy but I think it's going to be just you and me in the end!" -CRAZY Craig R. to Ali

"I want a rose, DAMMIT!" -Weatherman

"I'm an idiot." -Weatherman

"We have a lot of great guys here. With the exception of Justin." -Craig R.

"I want a rose. And then I want a 1-on-1 date. And then I want another rose. And then another 1-on-1. An then another rose. And then I want to be with Ali" -Weatherman

"You know what we need? We need ONE more guy to play the guitar in this house. Not enough yet." -Kirk

"Skies are clearing. It looks like sun's back in the forecast." -Weatherman

"He's pulled it off pretty well if that is the case." -Chris N. on Kasey. Holy crap, he speaks!

"I don't want liars in the house. Period." -Takes 1 to Know 1 Rated HypocRitical Justin

LET'S DO WHAT COMES NATURAL

Kasey and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Wooo! NY!! Insane. Crazy.

Kasey thinks he's in a musical!

KASEY FROM THE DORK STREET BACHELORS SINGS...

When I was flyyyyyying
In the helicopter
Over this amaaaazing city
I looked to my left and never saw something
So pretttttty.

Ali's half-hearted response. "Uh...Heh Heh."

At the eeeeend of toniiiiight
I'm not juuust your average Joe
But I hope in my hindsight
I seeeee and find a rooooose

He notes, "Uuhhhh huhh huh. Yeaaaah. That's pretty intense stuff."

Aaaaand cue the seagulls squawking!

Everything is insane. The flashlight's insane. The T-Rex is insane. These coo coo for cocoa puffs are insane. You're insane...

A night at the museum with CA-RAZY Kasey.

The American Museum of Natural History by flashlight and lantern.

Kasey spooks her with the flashlight in his face.

"Dinosaurs" chasing them through the museum.

Kasey has a conversation with a stuffed Gorilla. Totally normal...

And one final ballad to rock Ali's world and not ours:

On the night that I first saaaaw yooouuu
I was staring through the glaaaassss
And I knew at that first moment
That you and I would laaaaast
On the beach in Caliiifornia
You made me staaaart to belieeeve
And now in New York City
And it's juuust you and meeee
And tonight you gotttta roooose
And I don't want to feeeel it's thorrrns
And if you choose me Ali
I'll forever beeee yours...

Aaaand Ali's response:

CA-RAZY KASEY'S RAMBLINGS & CHEESEY ONE-LINERS:

"I used the word imaginary because you can't really fantasize how good that girl looks."

"I'm here to guard and protect your heart."

"I'm not your average guy."

"Her and I? We're pretty much meant to be together."

"Cause you're Ali."

"You're everything I've ever wanted because you make me happy."

"I choose you. And I hope that someday you can choose me."

"It's just my heart. Jump in and stay awhile."

"I want to fall in love with Ali."

"I want someone to protect and guard my heart."

"I'm wearing my emotions and my heart literally on my sleeve."

Dude, put down the shield and the bow and arrow and stop living in the Shire! A little more real dork and a little less fantasy dork. Thanky!

LET'S PLAY

Roberto, Jesse, Craig R., Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, Ty and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Jumbotron Ali

Roberto relates the Lion King to baseball--it's the Big Leagues of theater!

A rainbow of t-shirts in just about every color!

That broadway stage was Jesse's for about 10 seconds. Then move over it's Roberto Suave all the way baby!

Weatherman squealing that this is a REAL Broadway staaaage!

Seeing Weatherman do his proper stretches before they all make fools of themselves.

Hips man! Hips man!

Franky Dances an Old Man Jig

Go Ty! Go Ty!

OK-Don't go Ty. Please Don't go there EVER AGAIN!

Roberto Suave Works It!


Had it and then he lost it!

Weatherman does his best Seinfeldesque Elaine dance impression and caps it off with a Saturday Night Fever finger pointing move.

Weatherman declares himself to be a Schmuck in case we hadn't noticed yet...

Kirky thinks watching Ali and Roberto fly is nausiating!

What's going through Franky's head? "It's going to kill me. Pull yourself together! It's going to kill me! Pull yourself together!"

WOW - I've never seen a Dork Weatherman put it any better than this: "The forecast was for sunny skies and then just out of the blue this storm just crapped in my face and now I smell like $#!% and it's not good. I need a shower. A shower #@$%!"

Kirky announces what's happening on the TV in case the other dudes can't comprehend what they're witnessing...

Our little neurotic Weatherman seriously goes over percentages and over analyzes how to walk up and talk to Ali. Rolling eyes...

Roberto forecasts a high pressure system for the neurotic Weatherman so he's got to step it up!

"Boy do I feel sick! Franky let's go walk around in a rain storm!" -Hacker Ali

Frank wants whatever Ali has and begs her to give it to him.

Weatherman and his Shirley Temple get shot down by Ali and DJ Crazy Craig.

Kirky has to blow out like 100 candles after tucking Ali in!

LET'S TAKE A BITE OUT OF THE BIG APPLE

OR MAYBE NOT...

I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR DAY IN THE CITY BUT I'M FEELING UNDER THE WEATHER. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. I WOULD STILL LOVE TO SPEND YOUR BIRTHDAY WITH YOU. PLEASE COME JOIN ME IN MY SUITE

Chris L. and Ali

Memorable Moments:

Ty pinches Chris L's butt on the way out to the date.

Chris L. brings her flowers and chicken soup. Awe.

It takes them like 20 minutes to hail a cab!

Ali pilfers a cell phone for Chris to call his dad for birthday wishes.

Twirls on the dance floor. Joshua Radin. And a Choir. On the roof. Swapping Sick Germs. AMAZING! ;)

WEATHERMAN AND THE HARDLY BOYS SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF CA-RAZY KASEY'S WHEREABOUTS

Weatherman: "Kasey's missing. We put out an APB on him. Amber Alert. And it's a mystery."

Weatherman and the Bachelor Brother's Clues:

Since his date, Kasey's been down.

He's missing.

He stated he was potentially going to do something BIG today.

His pride's been hurt.

RATED REALLY LAME VS. CA-RAZY KASEY:

And if it couldn't have gotten anymore tiresome we got these gems:

Rated Really Lamer: "I'm calling him a fibber!" Does anyone say the word fibber anymore?

Kasey's stare ray of doom.

Kasey convenes all of King Bachelor's Knights for a meeting of the round table to show off his noble tattoo. What represents the guys on his wrist? 11 stones. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never heart me in the Shire. Blah. Blah. Blah.

To sum up, "I called it. Rated R. got his man." -Rated Really Lamer

How did the Bachelors of the Round Table Sum It Up?

Sir Franky: "Getting a tattoo doesn't prove anything. Except for the fact that you're nuts."

Lord Ty: "Kasey is gettin' crazier by the minute. If he gets a rose tonight, who knows what will be tattooed next.

Earl Chris L.: "You're going to be the Tattoo Bachelorette Guy for the rest of your life."

Rated Rakish Justin: "Hopefully he's going home with a bad tattoo."

Deluuuusional Knight Kasey: "They loved it. They thought it was a great addition to my life. They thought it was very inspiring. They thought it was very courageous. And they thought you know Kasey, we respect you for doing something like that." Okay...

11 DOWN TO 9:

Chicken Soup Chris L., Sarcastic Kirky, Jealous Franky, Why? Craig R., He Speaks! Chris N., Roberto Suave, Rated Really Lame Justin, Lose The Sideburns Ty, CA-RAZY Kasey.

SOME LOVELY PARTING THOUGHTS:

Jesse: She's a city girl. I want some acreage and some cows. I cannot wait to see my dogs!

Weatherman: She didn't get a chance to know me. All of neurotic me! Dumbfounded. Doesn't make sense. What did I do wrong? Whaaaa! At least he has his disturbingly rosey pillow as a lovely parting gift!

THINGS TO PONDER:

Did Kasey design his tattoo or was it the ABC Staffer?

Anyone think Justin was tipped off about the tattoo?

Do you think the C on Kasey's jacket stands for Crazy?! Just sayin'.

WICKED BACHELORETTE FUN
#4 - TOP 10 REASONS
I LOVE THIS SHOW:


10. Lots of crazy people to get snarky about!

9. Over-the-top dates

8. Guitar players.

7. Dorks blinded by love.

6. Chris Harrisoncrest's champagne glass knife-banging skills.

5. It's so predictable!

4. Guitar players.

3. Every episode is THE MOST DRAMATIC EVER!

2. Those boys and their shenanigans!

1. Because they're all there for the right reasons. Totally!

Jenn:)

***Some Caps From Dreamer at Jokers. Thanks!***