Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Rated Ridonkulous & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night eye candy a la The Bachelorette! Thanks to ABC for bringing us this gem once again! I thought it would be fun to highlight (rather than recap) some tongue-in-cheek memories, goofy stuff, and humorous dating "tips" from Bachelorette Ali's journey to choose love over a dream job as it unfolds each week. For full recaps here are two other blogs that have been around for quite some time: Reality Steve and Lincee.

And share your funny and snarky thoughts with the guys and gals at Jokers--screencaps in this blog are from Dreamer at Jokers, thanks!

Poor Ali, she chose her JOB over JAKE! And there it was again, we got to relive her blubbering crying scenes with Mavdork, riding away in the limo of shame, sniffling with her ta tas practically popping out of that weirdly floral dress. What was she thinking?!?!?! I mean look at this guy:

Um...OK, so Mavdork can't throw a football too good and his high five skills are totally off the charts, but now it's Ali's turn to ditch the job and find TRUE love--SHE'S READY! But Wait! There's a RED FLAG: She fears rejection... TRANSLATION: Stay tuned for the drama or as Chris Harrisoncrest calls it, "It's a party like you've never seen before!"

THE 25 A-M-A-Z-I-N-G DUDES:

Let's Grab A Seat Right Now! CHRIS H., Peculiar JESSE, Cape Cod CHRIS L., Good Luck TY, I'm Going to Marry This Girl FRANK, Rated R JUSTIN, I'd Have Sent Me Home JAY, A Prettier Steve Nash CHRIS N., Protector of Hearts KASEY, Grizzly Adams KYLE, Rico Suave ROBERTO, Big Blow Job CRAIG M., He Kind of Looks Like Tanner P. JOHN N., Who Is This Guy? TYLER V., G-E-N-U-I-N-E Cubic Zirconia JOHN C., Sunshine JONATHAN, We'll Get Through This Together CRAIG R., NOT Reality STEVE, Scrappy KIRK, You Weren't Wearing Boots? TYLER M., Gotta Go Pee HUNTER, Matlock Suit DEREK, Who? PHIL, He Always Comes Early To The Party SHOOTER-DERRICK, Back Flip JASON.

THE ANNOYING LIST:

Were we playing the Bachelor/ette Drinking Game, we'd be ridonkulously dead from these oh so witty yet so overblown phrases, themes and mannerisms:

AMAZING - LIKE 200 TIMES!!!

Job vs. Love - 400 times!

HAHA. HEE HEE. TEE HEE. HA HA HA HA HA. HA!!! Ali's constant laughter!!! Is this a sign of nervousness? Too much champagne? Way too sunny personality?!

So NERVOUS! Like 300 times!

Ali HIKING her dress practically up to her HOO-HA to walk in just about every camera shot. Good gravy lady, put your dress down, it's not that long!

WICKED FUN FACTS ABOUT THE DUDES -
OR AS I CALL THEM - TOTAL RED FLAGS:

1. Frank's an aspiring screenwriter who lived IN Paris and NOW lives with his parents...

2. Before he ever meets Ali, Frank knows he's going to marry her. Hmm...

3. A family who sues together, stays together! So says Jay!

4. Craig M. and his blow job think a hot pink pocket square is HAWT. Okay...

5. Kyle is a lonely mountain man who spends a lot of his time either killing or catching things or hanging out with dead animals he's killed mounted on the walls. He says he NEEDS a woman. Run Ali, Run!

6. Justin wants us to BE SCARED. BE VERY SCARED. Because he's like "Rated R" or something like that. Then he fake beats up some dude...Uh, OK whatever!

7. Jonathan likes a good pink shirt because it brings out his eyes! What, does he have pink eye!??!

8. Ty wants to find his dog a new MOMMA! Okay...

9. This is the first suit that Jesse's purchased himself. Hmm....

THE HANDY BACHELOR DATING GUIDE

If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING woman with 25 AMAZING guys, you might find these things come in handy!

Choice Words For The Lovely Lady:

Beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, AMAZING, sweet as apple pie!, OH WOW!!! OMG! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Um..aside from Kyle...were these dudes totally liquored up or have these guys not been around a woman in a while?!? Anyone just get out of jail!??)

How To Impress A Woman:

Talk about her favorite Red Sox!

Tell her you'll protect her heart. Awe.

Give her a red rose.

Speak to her in Spanish and then sic a Salsa move or two on her.

Give her an old school sunshine magnet.

Show her your crafty side with a handmade scrapbook!

Be chivalrous.

How NOT To Impress A Woman:

Confuse her by calling yourself a PECULIAR man! The Missouri kind that is...

Talk about former Bachelor/ettes!

Spend like an hour adjusting your pant leg before greeting her.

Point out that she's NOT wearing yellow.

Accuse her of wearing boots when she's totally a Converse girl!

Tell her you have to go pee. But nice to meet you too!

Tell her how you got the nickname SHOOTER. This way, she'll know you like to come early to the party ;) What a dumbass!

Stunts That Grab Her Attention:

Breaking your ankle and wearing crutches. Awe!

Jumping out of the top of the limo.

Doing a back flip off the limo!

Craft her a red napkin rose right in front of her. Show off!

Strum a ukulele and sing all about soulmates, being athletic, outdoors, fishing, hot tubs, woohoo!

Give her a mini Converse shoe--in yellow!

Make a cute little wooden heart for her to wear with your jigsaw. Awe!

Stunts That Just Plain Stink:

Pretending to reel her in on your imaginary fishing line while doing some sort of jig!

Present her with a G-E-N-U-I-N-E CUBIC ZIRCONIA ring!

Give her a plain fishing lure that she's sure to prick her finger on!

Dress For Success:

Wear yellow!

Striped ties. Or no tie at all!

A weatherman should always wear a SKY BLUE shirt...

Dress Mess:

Major Blow Job Hair!

Ostrich Boots in memory of her non-existent boots!

Rated-R T-Shirts. Oooh Scary!

Hey Derek! Matlock called. He wants his one gray suit back!

The sparkly round butt decal on Ali's dress which doubles as mini fashionable hemaroid pillow.

And The It Happens Every Season Award
for Thanking the last Dumbass Bach/ette
for dumping the current Jilted Bach/ette Goes To...

Kirky :)

25 DOWN TO 17:

FIR Roberto, "Rated Dishonest" Justin, Jesse. Ty. Craig R. Tyler V. Frank. Steve. Chris L. Kirk. John C. Chris N. Chris H. Hunter. Craig M. Jonathan. Kasey.

SOME LOVELY PARTING THOUGHTS:

Well...Kyle managed to slam the door on the way out. Dumbass Shooter-Derrick made a fool of himself. Jay would have sent his ass home too. WOW, wonder why she didn't keep those guys!

THINGS TO PONDER:

Kyle says that if he eats the first impression rose it will become part of his soul forever. Does that work for chocolate too??!

Do you think if Justin keeps repeating that he's here for the right reasons, that will make it so? Nah!

Does anyone else think Big Blow Job Craig M. might have been there for the free hair products??!

Does anyone else think that flat haired Jay spent a lot of time trying to figure out what hair products Craig M. was using to achieve that massive amount of VOLUME!?

WICKED BACHELORETTE FUN #1:
KRAFTY KIRK'S NAPKIN
ROSE FOLDING 101


Step 1:

Unfold a paper napkin and fold down the top edge 2 inches. While any paper napkin can be used, a two- or three-ply napkin works best. Choose different colored napkins like a deep red color for a more dramatic rose.

Step 2:

Hold the folded edge between your index and middle finger. Begin to wrap the napkin in a circular motion around your middle finger. Continue wrapping the napkin until all the napkin is wrapped around your fingers.

Step 3:

Pinch the napkin with your opposite hand approximate 3 inches from the top of the napkin. Tightly twist the napkin here one or two times. You can now remove your middle and index finger from the top part of the napkin. The upper portion of the napkin will be the rose bud while the bottom portion will become the stem and leaf.

Step 4:

Hold onto the napkin at the twist you just created with one hand. With your other hand, continue twisting the napkin tightly downward to create the stem for your rose.

Step 5:

Stop twisting about halfway down the stem to create your leaf. Find the loose corner of the napkin and pull it out and gently upwards towards the stem. Hold the leaf securely and continue twisting the remainder of the napkin.

Step 6:

Reach into the center of flower bud and pinch the center with two fingers. Turn the layers of the napkin towards the direction of the turn. This will slightly separate the layers leaving your rose looking nice and open.


Jenn:)

***Caps From Dreamer at Jokers. Thanks!***

Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Tribute to LOTS of Ali Yellow!

So I'm sensing some yellow. Can't imagine why...It's not because she wears a lot of yellow, dreams in yellow and writes with a yellow sharpie. Nah...

I thought for fun we'd do a fashionable tribute to yellow for Ali's sunny summery season of The Bachelorette to get us going before the first episode!

The Yellow List:

Calvin Klein Dress, Macys - Sale $88.99

Bloom Flower Ring, Stella & Dot - $39.00

Christian Louboutin Heels - Tres Spendy! Tres Chic!

OR, Mix In Some Black or
Turquoise Bling:


Black Bloom Flower Ring, Stella & Dot - $44.00

Diamond of the Sea Bracelet, Anthropologie - $38.00

Charlize Bib Necklace, Stella & Dot - $79.00

Kelly Necklace - Black , Stella & Dot - $89.00

Christian Louboutin Black Peep Toe Pumps


OR Paris Hilton Black Platforms, DSW - $59.95


Jenn:)

***Cap From Dreamer at Jokers. Thanks!***




Bachelorette Ali - What's Up With These Boys?

So it begins again, another season of this lovefest of fun and surprises we call The Bachelorette! We've seen a preview of the dudes. And, we..um...anyone getting a weird vibe here? Some of them maybe look a bit too...er...pretty in their little school boy pictures in front of the oh so hot and spicy gray marble backgrounds? Anyone sensing a future Bachelor amongst these guys?
This guy knows how to rock his Fe and his H2O ;) Because as an old wise former Bachelor Ron Dude once told us, Fe sharpens Fe. Gotta know those elements!


Um...No comment...

Long Lost Brother?
This ought to be veeery interesting tomorrow night...




Jenn:)


***Caps From Dreamer at Jokers. Thanks!***