Monday, January 4, 2010

MAVDORK Won't Finish Last...Ever A-GAIN!

Peacock Feathers, Dirt, Picker Spinners and a few Slices of Crazy Pie. Eat a few Jelly Bellys and Let's get to it!

Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night cat fights a la The Bachelor! Thanks to ABC for bringing us this gem once again! And what a doozey it's going to be. Apparently there's an alleged cheating scandal...or not...By the way, did you know, Jake's a PILOT! Oh yes! And one of these lucky gals gets to be his CO-PILOT. Or passenger. Or Whatever...

I thought it would be fun to highlight (rather than recap) some tongue-in-cheek memories and "tips" from Bachelor Jake's quest to finish first as a Nice Guy! He's leader of the Nice Guys Brigade after all! Everyone gather around. 1----2----3----JAAAAAAAAAAKE!

For full recaps here are two other blogs that have been around for quite some time: Reality Steve and Lincee:

www.realitysteve.com
www.ihategreenbeans.com

And share your funny and snarky thoughts with the guys and gals at Jokers--screencaps in this Blog are from Dreamer at Jokers, thanks!

www.jokersupdates.com

Poor Jake was dumped by Jillian at the end of Bachelorette 5, now it's his turn to choose! On Monday's show we were introduced to these AMAZING or BEAUTIFUL (depending on which drinking game you're playing) women: Rozlyn the model and makeup artist, Side ponytail Emily, Peacock Ali, Get Your Guns Registered Jessie, Sleeping Beauty Tenley, She'll Kick Your A-- Ella, I'll Give You A Breath Of Fresh Air Kathryn, Where's Your Uniform Caitlyn, Quarter Cheater Elizabeth DC, I'm Seriously Wearing Black Gloves Alexa, Abs Vienna Sausage, Kissame You Dork Corrie, Hook 'Em Horns Kimberly, What Kind of Homemaker Is She? Valishia, Maxim Gia, My Fav Place is Not Here With You Jake Elizabeth NE, Landing Strip Channy, Broken Picker Ashley, You're My Future Husband (not!) Tiana, These Jelly Beans Are NOT For You Christina, Agressive Ashleigh, Cut A Bitch Kirsten, Dancing Right Out the Door Stephanie, Aviator Sheila, She Thinks She's a Plane CA-RAZY Michelle.

By the way, did you know Jake has ABS ????!! And he likes to work out in stylish places! AND they jiggle when he jogs? Aaaaand he uses a whole bar of soap when he showers! Woohoo!

And then BAM, suddenly we were watching the movie Top Gun and there was shorty pants Tom Cruise aka Maverick on the screen sitting on his hog watching the sunset and the planes fly by, wondering what he was going to do without Goose. Would he ever be able to fly A-GAIN?!

Oh wait, that's MAVDORK! Silly me, it was Jake sitting on a rented motorcycle posing for cheesy photo ops. So Lame. Um...his "goose" may just be cooked this season!

So Jake is totally over Jillian, his broken heart now perfectly mended, and he's back to being Mr. Perfect and he's totally ready for a wife. Why? He's constantly haunted by the Ghost of Lonely Pilots! And most recently the Ghost of Lonely Pilots instructed him to be the next Bachelor to save himself from being all alone on cold rainy days, crying over balconies. And Praise be to the Ghost of Lonely Pilots for we don't want to see this e-v-e-r again:

No, we totally want to see this:

At least Jakey Boy is moving up to stair railings now! Can't wait for that episode...or not! I'm not sure what the story is with the stair railing but I'll bet you he'll be sticking to it. And that a whambulance was called STAT.

And Lord knows this must be the perfect woman for Jake when she's not busy pasting pictures of him all over her basement alter's walls:

THE HANDY BACHELORETTE
DATING GUIDE:


If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING man with 24 other AMAZING girls, you might find these things come in handy:

HOW TO IMPRESS MAVDORK:

Tell him you want to see him in his uniform!

Rub dirt in his hands seductively ;)

Tell him you're afraid of flying so he'll want to make all that go away. Woohoo!

HOW NOT TO IMPRESS MAVDORK
&/OR APPEAR STALKERISH:


As him where his favorite place is and when he says right now with you, tell him yours is snowboarding!

Tell him you host Bachelorette parties and that when he got kicked off the show, you said he was totally like your future husband!

Spend the evening crying and talking intensely to him about how you're there to FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM! LIKE RIGHT NOW!

HOW TO CONFUSE MAVDORK:

Ask him if he has a registry for his guns! Huh!?

Ask him if he wants to "Kissame!" Uh..........

Joke about wanting to see his infamous Abs.

Dangle a basket of jelly beans not intended for him right under his nose!

Ask him what it's like to be talking (as in right now) to his future wife. Hmm...

STUFF THAT GRABS MAVDORK'S ATTENTION:

Present him with a symbol of mating--a peacock feather!

Share that like his momma, your momma says you have a broken picker. Then invite him to spin your picker. Awe.

Falling (yeah right!) into his arms and then aggressively latching on to him for dear life...

Trip and rip your dress.

Sidle up to him with a great big football next to your big ta tas. Two things men love!

Playing airplane with Jakey Boy!

STUNTS THAT JUST PLAIN STINK:

Tell him he has something on his jacket and when he looks sock him in the chin!

Cheating by using a double headed quarter!

Pretending you are an airplane. Who wants to be his co-pilot. Or...maaaaybe just a...passenger!

Telling him in Cambodian that he can land his plane on your landing strip anytime. Oh boy...

Making Mavdork dance the insanely popular 2-step Salsa

Stealing your son's favorite airplane and giving it to your future husband Jakey Boy!

CHEESY FUN FACTS:

Jake is handy with a saw. And he builds furniture while half naked.

Rozlyn means "little rose." Awe.

Jake likes bumpy rides! Okay...

Jake's a skier.

Vienna thought Christine's jelly beans might be infused with laxatives.

Jake's top three priorities are God, family, and friends. And from the looks of this group those come after Bodacious Ta tas, Fame Whores, and Mavdork Groupies. Oh boy...

Channy wants to be a naughty girl. You so naughty Channy! Ha ha ha!

Kathryn wears a fake wedding ring so all those horn dog pilots won't hit on her!

Kimberly would be a puma in the bedroom. Like totally.

Jake is only the 2nd guy Tenley has kissed! And it made her cry!

Tenley thinks the mile-high club is dirrrrty!

THINGS THAT WERE HOT:

Beautiful hair

Gowns with thigh-high slits

Sexy Stewardess Costumes

Playing football while barefoot in an evening gown

THINGS THAT WERE NOT:

Short. Black. Gloves.

Side Pony Tails

Ta Tas busting Loose

Seeing an Okie do "Hook 'em horns"

Talking about landing strips :(

Aviator Shades

Stewardess hats that don't fit

Asking for some alone time while holding a tissue and sniffling. Ewe!

When your name rhymes with Tranny

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"Nice guys don't finish last--they just have to wait around a little longer." --Mavdork

"The seat belt sign is on. Ha! I love it!" --Mavdork

"Get ready for the night of your life!" --Chris Harrisoncrest

"Love is more powerful than flying!" --Mavdork

"Isn't he just dreamy!" --Tenley

"I want to hug him and then take his clothes off." --Elizabeth DC

"I'm sorry I was so nervous." --Mavdork

"There are some girls that have their ta tas out to play!" --Christina

"I have a very...like...loud personality..." --Vienna Sausage

"Holy Crap!" --Mavdork (who else!)

"We'll double team him!" --Gia

"I'm...fine!" --Michelle while having a meltdown about her man Jakey Boy!

"Some people are CA-RAAAAZY!" --Alexa on Crazy Pie Michelle

"Michelle's an emotional person. I can relate a little bit." --Mavdork. Ya think!?

"Do you want kids? Like now, with me?!" --Rozlyn to Mavdork

"She's off the pill..." Edster referring to Jillster

THINGS TO PONDER:

Chris Harrison: "America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home...tons of fan mail....Jake...next bachelor..." Really!?? That's interesting considering the poll here on who should be the next Bachelor had Reid and a New Dude neck and neck for the win...Hmmm...

When Jake said he was not engineered to be alone, did that mean he's like part robot or something? Might explain things...Just sayin'

What if Christina's jelly beans were infused with laxatives ???

What did Kirsten want to share with Jake that had something to do with her best friend???

And wasn't there supposed to be some big announcement from Ed and Jillian. Was "she's off the pill" and looking for a puppy supposed to send us into a tizzy??!? Come on ABC, you can do better than that!

Did Ed like Elizabeth NE because of her big ta tas?

BACHELOR ACTIVITY #1
ELIZABETH NE's FOOTBALL PREDICTIONS

"You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he throws a football!"

If he throws it like Romo, he's got it going on!

If he throws it like a girl, he's Mavdork!

Jenn:)

***Caps From Dreamer at Jokers. Thanks!***

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