Monday, June 1, 2009

Daddy Was This Close & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

It's the Dave & Juan Show! Tune in next week when they decide to really get angry! And maybe if we're super lucky they'll dredge up Shot Gate A-GAIN! Woohoo! From limos to Ferraris to city bus rides, this show sure is humbling to a dude! And dudes beware, Jillian expects you to show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T and stand up when her Canukness enters the darn room! For reals!

WICKED FUN FACTS:

According to Chris Harrison, the bunkhouse is totally smelly! Ewe...

Jillian has a major crush on Ed! Awe.

Ed has a hard time balancing work with personal time. Uh oh...

According to Wes, 11 people is...A LOT of people!

Jillian loves Westerns.

Brad kissing Jillian is the most awkward thing Michael has ever seen between 2 people.

Wes is a 3-kiss on the cheek dude!

Michael thinks Mike is a cool dude and attractive!

Reid has been in love like 1 AND A HALF times...

Juan is affectionately known around the place as "Good Old Juan."

Reid doesn't kiss and tell!

Jake was so relieved to have Dave's rant interrupted with a...spiffy date card!

Juan thinks Jillian needs to bone up on her Spanish por favor!

Jillian loves anything with a motor! You know, cars, can openers, lawn mowers, chain saws. Stuff like that. They're HAWT!

After round 2 of Juan vs. David, Chris Harrison shows us his true poker face while chatting so calmly about those crazy dudes! Yet his eyes are screaming Get a clue Jillian!

In case you missed it, Tanner P has a foot fetish!

Jillian is not a unicorn!

Dave will NOT be interrupted! That's violation #76890 of MAN CODE!

As Kip kisses Jilly, he caresses her foot as Tanner P looks on drooling from the bushes. Or something like that...

Juan thinks David has a bully mentality.

THE QUOTABLE BACHELOR/ETTE:

"That's the scariest $#!% I've ever done in my life!" --Ed

"I don't know if Jillian has the heart to break up with anyone." --Brad a.k.a. anyone

"I gave Jillian one of the best kisses of her life. I mean you got bad ass and you got like super bad ass, but I'm an ULTRA bad ass." --Mintless Brad

"No tongue you guys!" --Jillian

"I wanna start weeding these guys out fast!" --Wes

"Can I just say out loud that I LIKE women?!" --Michael

"I wish I could quit you!" --Mike

"It took Tanner P probably less than 10 seconds to grab my feet and start kissing them!" --Jillian

"Here's to the real guys that'll actually take their shots like a man!" --David

"I'm a basic guy from Dallas and I have no skills. I'm not here for an agenda. I'm not here to ^%$#. I'm here to suck on some toes!" --Tanner P

"Sorry to break up what has been a rather interesting party tonight." --Chris Harrison

"Riiiiggght..." --Chris Harrison's response to Jillian talking about how great David and Juan are...

LOVE CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Jillian & Ed

Memorable Moments:

Jillian loved poppin' Ed's "Helicopter Cherry." Okaaay...

There's only 1 way down Ed!

Ed Has a momentary breakdown at zip lining off a gazillion story high building. It went something like this: "WHAT!...NO way! OH MY GOD!...I'm a...more spontaneous guy than Mr. Adventure! IS THIS LEGAL?!? If I don't do this, I'll totally be a WUSS!...HOLY $#!%..."

Jillian totally loses her train of thought--it's the wine silly Jilly!

SHOW ME THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY!

Jillian & Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F, Mark, Brad, Robby, Tanner P, Kip, and Juan

Memorable Moments:


Robby has it all figured out. The good is that he gets to date Jillian. The bad is there are 10 other dudes. And with so many dudes around, it's bound to get ugly! Yeehaw!

Bad ass just doesn't suffice. Brad totally thinks he's an ULTRA bad ass. At kissing!

Tanner P was rocking that Cheetah Girl Cowpoke look!

Juan shook a bag of mints at Brad but BAD ASS was having none of that!

Michael got to be a gay dude in a scene with another gay dude!

BAD ASS reveals he has a case of arm and lip paralysis when Jillian tries to kiss him. Awkward...

Juan, the mint wrangler, was totally keeping tabs on who was getting all the smooches!

Tanner P and Brad have a spittin' contest!

I Like Totally Don't Know Who You Are, But Let's Make Out!

It's been like 2 years since Robby laid one on a girl! Yikes!

And on a scale of 1 to 10, that kiss was like total BILBRO...er...50!

"I love feet. Her feet looked so good I wanted to put 'em up in my mouth. Daddy was this close. It was like ee ee ee ee ee!" --Tanner P as he rubs Jillian's feet all over his face!

CAN YOU HANDLE MY CURVES?

Jillian & Sasha

Memorable Moments:


Those other dudes are sheep. Sasha is a WOLF. And he's on a journey to find that MYTHICAL UNICORN. Vision Board here we come! Okaaay...

Jillian spread out a car hood is one of the sexiest things Sasha has ever photographed...

Sasha drives a Ferrari like a maniac and Jillian totally loves that! And we thank her for all the screams and squeals!

When Sasha finds the right unicorn...er girl...for him, he'll get married the next day! AND have kids. And a dog too! Because when you're talking about mythical creatures--births are that instantaneous!

Once again Fleiss totally blew the budget! Sasha heads for the airport on a CITY TRANSIT BUS! Classy!

Let's recap! Wes is a country singer. He's got a #1 hit in Chihuahua Mexico. And he's known as the Rooster! When he pulls out his guitar all the other dudes are soooo jealous. Tanner F. is soooo sick of the same damn songs on the guitar. And as for Mike, I'm not sure they even play much country music where this guy's from so he's having none of that. BIG YAWNS. And Tanner P has other skills! Thank goodness because his idea of a good song? Lada de! Lada da! Lada de! Lada DA...

Wes likes to take the bull by the horns and serenade his ladies. Jillian cried. They hugged it out. What little opportunist he is ;)

PREDICTION: WATCH THESE TWO -
The Kisses We Didn't See...



JUAN vs. DAVID
...or as I like to call it: SHOT GATE MY @$$!

Producer has Jilly take David out for a talk. 5 minute timer goes off. Producer cue to send Juan in. David grunts his teeth through his stiff drink and then WHAMO it's back to SHOT GATE!

Our loveable little violent guy David wishes people like Juan didn't bother him but he just CAN'T let it go!

David spends the rest of the party drinking shots like a man, rallying the dudes against Juan, tallying votes of those who think Juan will not get a rose, and calling out the cowards who won't stand up for Dave. LIKE MARK!

DAVID vs. MARK THE PIZZA DUDE!

DAVE: "Do you really think Juan is the person for Jillian?! DO YOU THINK JUAN IS THE PERSON FOR JILLIAN!? I'M ASKING YOU RIGHT NOW! MAN TO MAN! DON'T LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

MARK: Jillian will figure it out, she doesn't need me telling her what to do. I'm not her keeper. I make pizzas! Let's all just talk about our favorite pizza toppings...

DAVID: "You DON'T say what you think! YOU'RE A COWARD! I'M MAN ENOUGH TO TELL YOU WHAT I'M THINKING!"

JUAN vs. DAVID A-GAIN!

JUAN: "I don't have a beef with anybody here. I'm cool with everybody. Everyone is a little bit different and that's fine. Everybody doesn't have to like everybody."

DAVID: "I don't like you. You know that. Everybody else knows that. You FAKED a shot with us to the point where you FAKED CHOKING on it! I SAW YOU DO IT! I'm looking at you as a MAN right now and I'm telling you that is disrespectful!"

JUAN: "So you're saying this has to do with drinking?"

DAVID: "It was cheesy BRO. You're 35 years old. STOP being a CHEESE A$$! and be yourself!"

Can't they just take a page from BILBRO-ster and just HUG IT OUT?!?!

TANNER P'S FOOT PATROL PART DEUX:
DADDY WAS THIS CLOSE!

Tanner has totally made a connection with Jillian's Feet!

"Those are beautiful feet. I wanna kiss 'em, suck 'em, touch 'em, rub 'em, feel 'em, tweeze 'em. I'm THAT in love with 'em!"

He's totally here to get to know Jillian BEFORE he gets to know her FEET!

As he and Jilly are chatting he interrupts with this gem, "Put your feet up here by the way..." And she of course happens to be shoeless. ABC Intern had just daintily washed her feet according to Tanner P's hygenic instructions in the downstairs bathroom.

"I totally want to make a connection with the...FEET!"

Tanner P's biggest deal breaker? UGLY feet. Didn't see that one coming...

"I wanna suck on those toes!"

With a straight face, Tanner P confesses to us that he has a bit of a foot fetish.

GETTING ROSES:

Ed, Robby, Jake, Reid, Mark, Jesse, Tanner P, Wes, Juan, Michael, Kip, Mike

SOME LOVELY PARTING WORDS FROM THE BAD ASS DRIFTER:

Brad: "When you love somebody more than they love you and you don't get it back. OH GOD. It hurts! It hurts...My character I played was a drifter and I PLAN ON BEING A DRIFTER..."

THINGS TO PONDER:

Gee, call me crazy, but do you think there was a reason that David was voted #2 to go in last week's episode?!

What was Tanner P doing in 1988 when he witnessed the worst kiss ever!?

Do you think when these dudes apply to the show, there's a box to check on the application that you'll totally be there for the WRONG reasons?

Did Juan fake another shot at the wrap party?!

Reid has been in love 1 1/2 times? So how does that work?!

Is it just me, or does it seem like some of the other dudes have issues with Juan too?

Do you think while Dave's sitting around with his buds, doing some shots, and walking that MAN CODE line each week watching these episodes, that he's claiming that his edit was a TAD off?

BACHELORETTE ACTIVITY #2:
DAVE'S RANT TIPS
...OR 16 REASONS YOU MIGHT JUST HAVE
ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES!


"It would give me a lot of pleasure just to beat him."

"I'd kill him."

"I hate him."

"Jillian would've been %$#@#$ pissed at me. Would have been furious at me if I would call that &^%$#@ out!"

"If she wasn't here I would already beat the guy's ass!"

"Maybe 1 of you guys who's good people who deserve to be with her get kicked out because that &^%$## ^%$#@! is still around!"

"He's a &^%$#!"

"I have zero respect for Juan. He seems really shady. He's lied and he's here for the wrong reasons."

"I want Juan gone like I want to win the lottery."

"Do me a *&^%$#' FAVOR and stop interrupting and play along right now!"

"What the &^%$! Get the &^%$ away from me! Why is everybody around me!?"

"It's 15 guys left! Do I want to make myself look like a JERK in front of Jillian because Juan comes up and interrupts us after 5 minutes of conversation!?"

"I'm &^%$## DONE! I'm out!"

"I hate the (*&^%$!"

"I'll *&^%$# kill him!"

"I would love to just beat the *&^% out of him!"

Jenn:)

***Caps from Dreamer at Jokers. Thanks!***

4 comments:

Waverly said...

Great blog as usual. I really enjoy your humor!! :-)

Who's That Girl? said...

Thanks:) They are giving me so much good material--ha!

Jenn:)

Carrie said...

See here for an interview with Sasha...he tells why everyone hates Juan!

http://www.etonline.com/news/2009/06/74915/

Who's That Girl? said...

Interesting article, thanks for posting!