Monday, May 18, 2009

I've Never Had To Juggle 30 Dudes Before & Other Thoughts To Ponder...

Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night eye candy a la The Bachelorette! Thanks to ABC for bringing us this gem! I thought it would be fun to highlight (rather than recap) some tongue-in-cheek memories and "tips" from Bachelorette "Hot Tub Harris’" whirlwind fairytale as it unfolds each week. For full recaps here are two other blogs that have been around for quite some time: Reality Steve and Lincee.

And share your funny and snarky thoughts with the guys and gals at Jokers--screencaps in this blog are from Dreamer at Jokers, thanks! And Sleuth with the sleuthers at the FORT:

Poor Jillian was jilted by Jason in the last installment of The Bachelor, now it's her turn to choose! On Monday's show we were introduced to these 30 AMAZING gentlemen:

That Guy We Didn't See Much of ADAM, He's Sensitive BRAD, Spiffy Nickname Guy BRIAN, Let me Sweep You Off Your Feet BRYAN, I'm Sure He's a Nice Guy BRYCE, Can I Take Your Picture CALEB, If I Could Only Find The Words To Tell You How NERVOUS I Am DAVID, Mr. ED, Bilbro GREG, Did You Know I'm a Pilot? JAKE, Don't Judge Me By My Really Crappy Bio Pic JESSE, I'm THE Guy For Jillian--Really I Am...JOHN H, Better Luck Next Time JOHN P, That OTHER guy we didn't see much of JOSH, Do You Juanna Pay More Attention To Me JUAN, Our Names Practically Rhyme JULIEN, DON'T Call Me Kippy KIPTYN, The Fonz KYLE, Pizza Toppings MARK, Country Music Celeb Autograph Stalker MATHUE, You Gotta Break To Get With Me MICHAEL, Catch This MIKE, Um, Who? REID, I'm Sure He's Got Potential ROBBY, At Least He's Not a Crazy Ukrainian SASHA, Subtitle SIMON, I'm A Lawyer STEPHEN, Another Hmmm TANNER F, Freakalicious Foot Fetish TANNER P, and I'm A Country Boy WES.

In case you were worried, Jillian has a LOT of love to give and she's totally 100% ready to find love A-GAIN! In fact, she doesn't GIVE A *&^%$ What he puts on his hot dog as long as he loves her! Awe...Besides, she washes her own car while wearing HEELS. He'll totally love her for that. Especially Tanner P if she's wearing peep toes! She's leaving behind the hot dog condiments for her new code of life: DRAGONSLAYER. (This isn't SURVIVOR is it?) And her new Mr. Right has mysteriously been dubbed MR. INVISBLE. Please tell me she doesn't have a VISION BOARD too...And she totally thought each guy kept getting more and more good looking--Jilly it's the wine silly!

The MOST SHOCKING THING FROM THIS EPISODE:

America is totally sober tonight! Where is all the AMAZING this and AMAZING that? Drinking games just won't be the same unless we get our AMAZING back!

Some Interesting Factoids About The Dudes:

Julien has jumped out of a plane like 500 times!

It's Hello and Goodbye to all the girls in Stephen's life...

Mark's the Pizza Dude!

Sasha is an OIL MAN...

Did you catch that Wes is a country singer?! With a #1 song in Chihuahua Mexico? And they call him...The Rooster! Well COCK-A Doodle that other Dudes!

Bilbro thinks A LOT of himself!

Jake would DIE to make Jillian's dreams come true...Awe. Has anyone spotted him recently?!

Mathue's cowboy hat is his lucky charm! And if he doesn't get too far on the show, he can always sell it for big buckeroos on eBay...

Jesse calls his wine "Love Juice!" (Firestone totally told him to say that cornball line...)

Michael's good at break dancing but he totally needs a GPS tracker to find Jillian!

Kiptyn is a ketchup guy.

Brian's a dude from Alabama. Lives in a Double Wide. Drives a Pick-up. That's just how he rolls...

Tanner P is a bit of a FOOT guy. He NEEDS to get him some foot ACTION. And if you have any corns, calluses, or toe jam then you're a total FREAK. Cause he's not the FREAK. No siree... ;)

The Handy Bachelor Dating Guide

If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING woman with 30 other AMAZING guys, you might find these things come in handy, eh!:

Choice Words for the Lovely Lady:

Hot Tub Harris! Not Hot Dog Harris...

How to Impress a Woman:

Give her a spiffy nickname!

Give her a cute little set of airline wings.

Being a total loss for words for like an hour is apparently appealing to Canuks!

Tell her you want her to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world!

Tell her you're going to make her a special VIP cocktail!...

Show her your best CORNY side.

Play Show & Tell: Show off your spiffy Country Music Star Autographed Cowboy Hat!

Tell her you've heard good things about her.

Two Words: Yes M'am

Share your pizza toppings theory with her!

Bring her a glass of wine (LOVE JUICE!)

Dry her little feeties off. Awe.

How Not to Impress a Woman:

Picking Her Up and "sweeping her off her feet" (unless you're Mathue...)

Ask her to prove her hickness!

Barely greet her and then run off to get your drink on!

Compare a reality TV dating meet and greet party to...PROM!

Wipe off each shoulder of your suit as if you have dandruff...EWE!

Speak English so well you need subtitles following your A around!

Show off your bungling sleuthing skills while seeking the super secret door in plain sight to get inside her home!

Demand her first 5 minutes of party time!

Thank her for going to all that trouble for little old you!

Ask to HUG IT OUT...TWICE!

Stunts That Grab Her Attention:

Wear an "Aspiring Canadian" T-Shirt...

Perform a country song for her!

Breakin' 3: The Bachelorette & Those Dorks Mike-Yo & Bilbro Get Down On It!


Stunts That Just Plain Stink:

Stalking her feet!

Drawing a mustache tattoo on her finger...with a SHARPIE. Chris Harrison like totally spent hours scrubbing that thing off...that is after they all took a round of dorky photos with Jillian and her fake mustache hangin' with the crew after filming ended!

Kicking a water bottle off a tall dude's head. Better luck next time with a lemon...

Dress For Success:

Springy Tan suit
Black and Navy are always slimming...
Homemade T-Shirts

Dress Mess:

The Fonz's Jacket
Velvet
Acid Wash Jeans

And The It Happens Every Season Award
for Thanking the last Dumbass Bach/ette
for dumping the current Jilted Bach/ette Goes To
...


JOHN P!

Some Lovely Parting Words:

John P: He thought she was the GIRL VERSION of him...Oh boy...

Stephen: Totally didn't see it coming. He doesn't know what THEY do in the country. Maybe she doesn't like AWESOME guys?! Barf...

John H: What did I do wrong? I'm in shock. I'm hiding behind my smile. Little tear... AND CUT!

Things To Ponder:

Did Robby ever make her his special VIP drink?! Must have been good cause he got a rose!

What the heck ever happened to the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band?! Haven't heard anything from them in ages...

Since Jillian told Chris Harrison EASY on the HUSBAND word there and let's just look for PRINCE CHARMING, is this a foreshadowing of what's to come...Hmmmm...

If you screw up a first impression, does it really take 17 more tries to fix that hot mess?!

Did any champagne glasses break in the filming of this season?

Jenn:)

1 comment:

Wolverine said...

Hey! I came across your blog just by reading comments on the EW site. I don't usually watch the Bachelorette but did because I heard about the foot dude. Yes, I am one of those dudes with a foot fetish....

I watched as I wanted to see how he was portrayed. Yes, foot guys are often..er, always...portrayed as weird, perverted, etc. Sadly, I guess that is how Tanner P came across. But hey, at least he wasn't a bad looking dude..

Hopefully he can redeem himself and do us foot guys proud, that is what we were hoping, he'd represent! We shall see...

I gather he didn't do much to make you think much of foot guys huh? lol