Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night cat fights a la The Bachelor! Thanks to ABC for bringing us this gem once again--it's like the 13th time! Could that be a charm or a jinx!?
I thought it would be fun to highlight (rather than recap) some tongue-in-cheek memories and "tips" from Bachelor Jason’s whirlwind fairytale as it unfolds each week. For full recaps here are two other blogs that have been around for quite some time: Reality Steve and Lincee:
And Chris Harrison's Blog!:
And share your funny and snarky thoughts with the guys and gals at Jokers--screencaps in this blog are from Dreamer at Jokers, thanks!
Poor Jason was dumped by DeAnna at the end of Bachelorette 4, now it's his turn to choose! On Monday's show we were introduced to these AMAZING or LOVELY (depending on which drinking game you're playing) women: That Hurts My Feelings Erica, Weiner Theorist Jillian, Dorothy from Kansas Kari, I'm Attractive & It's My Birthday Lauren, Idaho Potato Lisa, *&^%$ Megan, Perky Melissa, I Can't Dance Molly, I Want To Feel Him On My Body Naomi, He's Cute Natalie, First Impression Rose Nikki, Raquel from Brazil, Hillbilly Stalker Teeth Shannon, I Quit My Job For Love Sharon, Widow Stephanie, Ann Who?, Tired of Dating Duds With Hammertoes Dom, Still Sleepless in Seattle Emily, Go Home Jackie, Julie Who?, I Forgot To Give Him My Gift So I'm Going Home Nicole, Vision Board Renee, Shelby Who?, Stunned Stacia, and No This Really Isn't My Stage Name Treasure.
In case you're worried that Jason hasn't gotten over MeAnna yet, rest assured, though he wanted to wake up next to her everyday, he's now moved on! She totally made the right choice. Ty is his best friend! And he's ready for love again! And I don't know about y'all but he's definitely not sleepless in seattle, based on all the shots from this episode, more like shirtless in seattle! And he knows these girls are all there for the right reasons! And if you're worried about whether Jason--or Ty have vision boards, rest assured, I managed to wheedle some scans of these handy vision boards (see below...) left behind at the mansion where the Bachelor was filmed thanks to the ABC prop guy...er, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
THE HANDY BACHELORETTE DATING GUIDE:
If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING man with 24 other AMAZING girls, you might find these things come in handy:
Choice Words for the Dude:
Handsome! Gorgeous! Cute! Adorable! Beautiful TEETH!
How to Impress a Man:
Lots of cleavage!
Initiate an alone time stealing war back and forth!
Take his breath away...
Ask to see his golf swing!
How NOT to Impress a Man &/or Appear Stalkerish:
Tell him you quit your job for him!
Tell him (while crazy giggling) that you sound like such a stalker! Translation...You're a Stalker!
Talk about bunions and hammer toes! Eeew!
Stuff That Grabs His Attention:
Check out his hot dog condiments!
Show Initiative by cutting in on his dance partner, even though you can't dance well!
An awkward but cute samba...
Stuff That Just Plain Stinks:
Stealing other people's (Sharon's) samba routines! (Raquel!)
Sporting Hillbilly teeth! Twice! (Tsk Tsk...Shades of teeth made out of orange peel...)
Howling at the sight of him! (Shannon briefly pulls a Gregster minus the ripping off her outfit part!)
Forcing him to go back to 7th grade and name the three branches of government! In the land of Bachelorville, that would be Fleiss, Fleiss and Fleiss! And no checks and balances, no siree!
Oh No She Didn't Really Say That!
"I don't give a $#!% About the Competition!" --Megan
"Enjoying a good hot dog means that you can just enjoy life." --Jillian
"You A$#@&%$!" --Megan
What Gets You Voted Out of the Party (Ooh Snap WITH a rose!):
Drinking too much!
Spilling about your hoochie engagement habits!
Lecturing Others About Single-Mom-Hood. (Ding Ding We Have A Winner!)
Looking Too Hot!
Being Catty About Who You're Voting for!
Dress for Success:
Short and sweet
Sleek Fitting Leopard Prints
Ill-Fitting Leopard Print Just Ripped Down Draperie Dress
A Dress that shows off your oversize shoulder tattoo! Woohoo!
And The Award for Way too Much Boobage Goes To: Nikki, Lauren, Stephanie & Shannon
SUGGESTIONS FOR CHRIS HARRISON IN LIEU OF HIS OLD TIRED GAG: THE ALL-PURPOSE ATTENTION GRABBING CHAMPAGNE GLASS KNIFE BANGING MANEUVER:
Throw a Pie at the most hated in the room!
Hose Them Down With Champagne
Bust a Move on the Dancefloor! You Know He's Got To Have Some Other Moves!
Blow a...Police Whistle
Clang a Triange
Toot a Horn
Bring Back Chandler's Handy Duck Caller
JASON & TY'S VISION BOARDS:
Next time you're interested in a guy, pull out your handy portable hot dog cooker and a batch of weiners--as you know there's nothing more thrilling to a guy than whipping out your weiners! And offer him a choice of special condiments! Here's what these condiments tell you about your guy:
BACHELOR ACTIVITY #1
JILLIAN'S HAWT HOT DOG ACTIVITY:
BACHELOR ACTIVITY #1
JILLIAN'S HAWT HOT DOG ACTIVITY:
Ketchup: Good, loyal, loves his mom
Sauerkraut: The bad boy
Onion: One who never gets married or wants to settle down
Mustard: Guy you want to settle down with, a combination of ketchup and sauerkraut
THINGS TO PONDER...
Did Nicole ever give him her gift and if so, what do you think it was?!
Did Jason ever have any alone time with Melissa? Hmmm...
Who is Ann?! Did I miss something?!
Who is the genius who thought of the bitchy voting ruse to create D-R-A-M-A in the house?!
Was Chris Harrison replaced by a robot 3 season ago!?
What do you think Renee's vision board looks like now!?
***Caps from Dreamer at Jokers, thanks!