Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Would You Like to Give My Kazoo A Whirl & Other Thoughts...


Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night eye candy a la The Bachelorette! Thanks to ABC for bringing us this gem! I thought it would be fun to highlight (rather than recap) some tongue-in-cheek memories and "tips" from Bachelorette DeAhhhna’s whirlwind fairytale as it unfolds each week. For full recaps here are two other blogs that have been around for quite some time: Reality Steve and Lincee:

http://www.realitysteve.com
http://www.ihategreenbeans.com

And share your funny and snarky thoughts with the guys and gals at Jokers--screencaps in this blog are from Dreamer at Jokers, thanks! And Sleuth with the sleuthers at the FORT:

http://www.jokersupdates.com
http://www.fansofrealitytv.com

Poor DeAnna was dumped by Brad in a past season of The Bachelor, now it's her turn to choose! On Monday's show we were introduced to these AMAZING gentlemen: I'm Here for the Right Reasons Brian (Texas), Sweaty Abs Brian (Indiana), Working the Hair Jon, Cheater Pumpkin Eater Chris, I Don't Cuss But I'm Seen in Future Previews Cussing Ryan, Wolfman Greg, Chef of Seduction Robert, Cutie Pie Jason, Booty Shorts Paul, Kazoo Duckie Chandler, Oyster Farmer Luke, Da Bears Fred, Karate Kid Sean, Freaky Jesse, Bada Bing Donato, Sexy Jeremy, Sweet Southern Graham, Silly Twilley, Giant Patrick D. , Wallflower Patrick C., Crazy Glasses Spero, Science Dork Hunk Richard, Who is That Again Jeffrey, Divorcee Ron, and My Big Fat Greek Eric.

The Handy Bachelor Dating Guide

If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING woman with 24 other AMAZING guys, you might find these things come in handy:

Choice Words for the Lovely Lady:

Don’t stutter. Impress her with your vocabulary skills when meeting her! If you’re stumped, remember these: Amazing! Beautiful! Sparkly! A Vision! Bling Bling!

How to Impress a Woman:

Give her a twirl! Better yet, let her give you a twirl! Because there’s nothing more manly than a girl giving a guy a twirl!

Button your jacket awkwardly–while saving face with a big cute smile!

Offer to share campfire stories!

Speak Greek. (Works best with Greek women)

Dress Freaky–it’s the thought that counts!

Reveal your imaginary friend’s name...er...your nickname, for a little added spice!

When she’s overwhelmed, offer to rescue her with a spiffy wink and hug signal.

Telling her a secret in a language she doesn’t know will lend an air of mystery to oneself.

Show off your swanky dance moves.

Don’t let a couch get between you and your woman, climb that mountain!

Know when to be man enough to put down your kazoo!


How Not to Impress a Woman:

Wear eerie dark glasses that make you look like a serial squinter.

Spend an hour adjusting your suit in slow motion before introducing yourself.

When invited to twirl her, twirl yourself and then scamper off quickly.

Offer to teach her math!

When asked to tell her something funny, say with a straight face, “You look great!”

Attempt an awkward salsa maneuver.

Strike a pose, dart a brooding yet suspicious glance off into the distance before first approaching her. (You can always claim later that you spotted a duck in the foliage and wanted to whip out your handy duck calling kazoo!)

Tell her she looks like she’s been working out!

Ask her friend to sit on your lap!

Rip her arm out of its socket while forcing her to grope your sweaty “abs of steel!”

Ask her to give your kazoo a whirl...

Hog a blanket when it’s chilly outside.

Admit you’re a cheater.

Play with another man’s kazoo.

Stunts That Grab Her Attention:

Give her crabs! A crab cocktail you’ve just expertly whipped up, that is, you master of seduction you!

Perform the “Robinhood” and annihilate a lemon off your buddy’s head. Weird, yes, but it will get you noticed!

Pool Stripping and Booty Name Bling!

Stunts That Just Plain Stink:

Duck calling. Period.

Dress For Success:

Speedo with your soon-to-be woman’s name on the back
Stand out from the crowd by going jacketless.
Match your tie to your eye color!
Show her you’re not afraid to wear pastels!

Dress Mess:

A kazoo is not a smart accessory in any setting
Disturbingly Dorky glasses
Ill-fitting suits
A “whoa that’s one too many hits from the bedazzler” sparkly jacket
Donald Trump is calling, he wants his hair back!

Act Appreciative:

If she gives you a rose, a simple yes just doesn’t cut it. Give her a rousing “Heck yeah!”


Some Lovely Parting Words:

And last but not least, parting wisdom from Wolfman Greg for all the guys out there. If you get the boot, get fired up! When the chips are down, never frown, let your mind be sound. Rise from the ashes and dust yourself off. Be one with the fire, don’t expire! Or something like that. And if that isn’t the cherry on top, you can always rip your shirt off and release your inner wolfman while displaying your glorious bevy of chest acne and tats. Woohoo! You might just attract a coyote or two!

Until Next Week...

Jenn:)

1 comment:

acme said...

now we can dish, I FINALLY saw the show!
I don't like DeAnna, I think she's sort of a bitch...and that Jenni with
the stupid laugh, thank god she is engaged to whomever the next guy to come
along was...but she prob was helpful...
OK, the thing about Graham from Texas (was he the basketball player who
owned a bar (JUST LIKE BRAD!! but he obviously hadn't watched the bachelor
bec he was totally surprised that she had tended bar for 9 years...hello?)
anyway, I totally didn't believe that "I want to start a charity for sick
kids" bullshit...ick!
Little Sean Penn surfer dude and the tiny one who jumped into the pool are
both too young and she's not all that hip...she practically started crying
when that guy was a personal trainer from NY.
The guy who has the kid is too sincere and has this deer in headlights look
but I bet is totally her type.
The divorced guy WAY too serious, we should never define ourselves by our
failures...and he's a hairdresser and I thought the best looking of the
bunch, but prob like Warren Beatty in Shampoo he's prob "date"ing every
woman's hair he is doing...
I liked the big doufus guy, Chris, who said he would never wrestle a bear...
and the geeky math teacher was also way too sincere and playing up his
science geekiness for my taste, those guys are a dime a dozen right here in
Silicon Valley...sensitive nerd, bah!
Hmmm, I didn't go nuts about any of them...I kind of liked the duck caller
southerner even tho he cried at the end, shows he was sincere...or
sincerely drunk and I think he did get thrown off by Mr Abs horning in...
and she was so offended that he called her like a duck I wanted to smack
her, get over yourself, you ARE a duck.
Greek guy gave me the willies, seen that type a million times before, total
mama's boy, think he's so handsome (all Greek men are totally stuck on
themselves) plus he said to her "Don't hurt him" I don't know if he was
talking about the rose or his heart, but I'm sure he's broken about 399,000
non-Greeks hearts already whom he sleeps with and then says, I'm sorry it's
not YOU but my mama wants me to marry a Greek girl!
SO I guess i like the slightly used ones...guy with kid (altho what
happened there? divorced? killed his first wife? gay man who adopted? kid
seemed whiny and needy, ick).
Speaking of gay men...hello twilley wanting to do a dance off to West Side
Story...hello??? hello???? Deanna has no gaydar obviously.
I liked the Brian from Texas tall blond stud whom she called last...tho
don't know a thing about him except he coaches football or something.
Loved that that one drunk bastard tried to get Jenni to sit on his lap.
Chef from SF doesn't know how to dress (beige suits look good on NO ONE).
the black guy was cute but she ain't goin' black, her little Greek family
would die...Greeks are the most racist folks in the world. (I lived there for a year) And their
descendants from Turkish Huns or something, not the original Greeks, so
whom do they think they are kidding!!!!!!!!!